Life – The road less traveled

Cheated or Chosen?

Last week I spent a few rare moments scrolling through social media. I was looking for inspiration and ended up seeing people on the beach, at work or outside enjoying nature. Over the years, I have spent less time on social media because I walk away from my phone feeling irritation or sadness.

Last week, I watched a You Tube video by Priscilla Shirer called Let God Restore Your Circumstances https://youtu.be/HHRllMZKmlc?si=KFQ7UlET40QDqI8h. In the video, she talked about a woman who was successful in her job but was led by the Holy Spirit to leave. It was a frustrating, scary time for her and she ended up babysitting for several families. She not only watched over the children, but she shared bible stories with them, brought over casseroles for the families, and formed close bonds with the children and families. After a time, she asked God why she left a successful job to babysit. She was understandably frustrated and confused about her purpose. God answered her prayers by showing her the smiles on the children’s faces when she rang the doorbell and the importance of the moms and dads spending time away – she knew that her purpose was so much deeper than babysitting.

Illustration of a path through spring, summer, autumn, and winter landscapes

I left my job at a Title Insurance Company to take care of my boys. As they were growing older they started having difficulty having their needs met by daycare. They were needing more help getting ready in the mornings which made it increasingly difficult for me to get it all done by 8:00 a.m. Things were a little tight financially but the stress level in our home dropped dramatically.

I stayed home with the boys for over ten years. It was a blessing for us: I was able to meet the boys’ increased needs without hiring any help and I was able to be there 100 percent for all of their surgeries, doctor appointments, and trips out of town for MDA events or visiting family. My husband worked long hours so it was a huge blessing to be able to stay home and take care of the housework and the boys so he could rest. He was diagnosed in 2005 with a genetic heart condition and I wanted to take the load off of him as much as I could.

The boys always enjoyed the River’s Edge Trail

It wasn’t until a few years after my oldest son, Christian, passed away that I began to feel like a prisoner in my own home. All around me my family and friends were traveling to fun destinations and sending me photos or posting them on social media. I have always been genuinely happy for them, but I also began to question my purpose and grew tired of feeling like I was standing still while life continued to move forward for everyone else.

So many of my classmates are grandparents now. I made peace knowing that I would most likely not be a grandmother but I still feel left out when I see people my age spending time with cute wee ones.

Over the years, I have learned to appreciate the small miracles in my daily life. As a result, it doesn’t take much to amuse me. When I went on a walk with my precious friend, she was amazed at how much I noticed as we walked along the river – various birds that I could identify by sight or sound, tiny streams of water bubbling out of the rock or a beautiful wildflower in the middle of a patch of weeds. I am truly thankful for this gift from God. Have I really been cheated?

I have always found great joy taking photos in the flower garden at Gibson Park.

When I went to the funeral home to see my son the day before the service, I sat in the room alone with him and I talked to him. I realized how much of a blessing it was to be able to take care of one of God’s special children. We are all His special children but there is something miraculous in His children who smile and inspire others despite their declining health. I thanked Christian for the honor of being his mother for 21 years. I realized that I was chosen to be a mother of 2 beautiful boys.

Through my experiences in raising 2 sons with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and the experiences I continue to have with my youngest son, Andrew, I want to write a book about their condition that can guide other parents through this difficult journey. I want to take the mistakes I made and the things I have learned to help other families living with this disease as well as any other challenge their children may be facing.

I don’t have to travel the world to know that God has a plan and purpose for my life. All I need to do is look into my son’s eyes and hear the love in his voice when he calls me “Best Mom”. Will the book I want to write take 5 years? 10? What else has God chosen me for? As I walk with Him each day in trust, surrender, prayer, and by reading His Word, He will show me each day what I need to do to remember that I have been chosen.

A New Journey

As I looked at the deep blue sky this morning, I was filled with awe. In the foreground, starlings started to line up on the power line. As I saw them I started to feel sadness. Every year, around Christian’s birthday, starlings gather and they fly around our house in huge masses.

Thousands of birds flock above colorful autumn trees and a park path — Thousands of birds swirl above vivid autumn trees under a dramatic cloudy sky.

I marvel at our ability as humans to feel so much at the same time. This is a blessing and something that I also wish I could turn off like a switch. Why do we have to experience the difficult emotions – grief, loneliness, anguish, fear, anxiety and so on? For years, I avoided feeling sadness and grief as I watched my sons’ health and independence deteriorate. Fear or some other unpleasant feeling would creep in and I would push it aside by keeping busy or looking at my phone.

There is a reason why God gave us the ability to feel. In order to be truly alive, we need to feel. Our emotions are a compass to guide us to what needs attention in our lives. I ignored this internal compass for decades until it began affecting my health – tense muscles, spasms, digestive problems, weakened immunity to name a few. Chronic stress accumulates in our bodies, spirts, and minds creating disruption to our well being.

As I was approaching rock bottom in 2023, my sister reminded me that our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit. “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) We honor God with our bodies by loving others and by loving ourselves enough to honor our emotions. We honor God by serving others out of our overflowing cup. God does not desire for us to be burned out and unfulfilled.

We were bought at a price – the blood of Jesus Christ. God loves us that much!!! Jesus wants us to live a full, abundant life. (John 10:10) By carrying around trauma, grief, and stuck emotions, I have been walking around in life with a backpack full of boulders. My body could only go on that way for so long.

This past spring, I enrolled in the Thriven Functional Medicine Program. I knew I needed help and guidance on the road to wellness. I always considered myself ahead of the curve with my health. I ate as clean as possible for over a decade and learned as much as I could about nutrition while ignoring my fading spirit and the emotions that were accumulating inside of me. I found out that my muscle mass is far lower than normal women my age, my immune system is weakened from chronic stress, and I have adrenal fatigue from…drumroll…chronic stress.

In order to begin on the road to wellness, I had to begin changing habits that have been a part of me for decades. For years, I did the same thing hoping that things would change. I have learned to admit that things in our lives do not change if we remain the same – functioning on too little sleep, people pleasing at the expense of my getting any rest, not getting regular exercise or sunlight, and being isolated. It was when I started making changes that I stopped falling asleep at the table during meals and I started losing weight.

Although Thriven is a seven month program, it’s only the beginning of a journey of healing in my mind, body, soul and spirit. At the root of illness for many of us are things like negative childhood experiences, trauma, loss, and abuse. By not facing these difficult situations, they fester in us like an infected wound. I have been learning what it means to look at my reflection in the mirror and respect the woman looking back, what self-care is and how we cannot give from an empty cup, that what we say and think about ourselves matters, and how important having non-negotiables in life is.

This month will be 12 years since Christian went to be with Jesus. The grieving I went through was only the tip of the iceberg. So much is buried beneath the surface of my made-up face and smile. Over the course of the next year or more, I will be facing the emotions I have buried for far too long and the back pack will slowly become lighter as the rocks will be taken out bit by bit.

This past weekend, Pastor Nate talked about their being “No Useless Tools” in the church family. He talked about the gifts and talents that God gives us and how we are to use them to serve and help others. Just because we are not gifted to play a guitar or sing doesn’t mean we have less meaning. I know a couple of the gifts that God has gifted me with and I look forward to blessing others with them. In order to do so I need to heal and know the truth – that we are worthy and loved more than we can think or imagine!

I am excited to share my journey with you. I posted regularly in this blog until about a year or so after Christian passed away. As I write this post today, I feel happy knowing that I am investing in one of the gifts God has given me. I look forward to what He has to show me. I will be stepping outside of my comfort zone but Jesus will be by my side every step of the way.

The River of Surrender

Complete surrender to God leads us to true freedom!!!

I was just telling Dave yesterday that I felt like the waters of life’s circumstances were about to overtake me and I was struggling to keep them from sweeping me away to oblivion.

This morning in my Freedom study, I read Ezekiel 47:1-12. The Lord is leading him to deeper waters until he reaches a part of the river that is too deep for him to keep his feet firmly on the bottom. At the banks of the river at this point, it is teeming with life – fruit trees bearing fruit year round and life in the waters.

I realized after studying this that I can be in the deep waters and surrender completely to God because this is where He meets us with his healing, amazing blessings, and goodness. Fighting for control for decades led me to burnout, anxiety, and a failed suicide attempt.

It’s time to let go of control, trust God completely, and flow with the current, trusting that where God is taking me is good. This is where I will heal and truly live!

I Hope there are Art Classes in Heaven

Today my oldest son, Christian, would have turned 31. He passed away almost 2 weeks after his 21st birthday. We are going to the cemetery to clean the headstone and set some gifts out for him. I am also going to take a pottery class, which starts tonight, in his memory.

Even though he had physical limitations, Christian enjoyed making homemade greeting cards, drawing, and working with all sorts of media in art class. When he was in high school, his art teacher nominated him for an award in honor of a Zach Culliton who also overcame his disability to create a beautiful painting of a fish. Christian’s name remains listed to this day.

Christian took a lot of time and effort in making the picture which earned him the award. It was a very exciting evening and so many of our friends and family showed up to celebrate. I even met Zach’s mother and she was very kind. Zach passed away not too long before I met her. I hope to see her again.

Christian was always focused on his abilities instead of his limitations. He made numerous Star Wars lego models, enjoyed doing puzzles, and put his best effort into everything he did. On one particular project when he was in high school, he had to draw a creature made from three different real animals or insects. He then did a ceramic rendering of it. I have it sitting on the table today to remind me of his beautiful art and to give me strength to step outside of my comfort zone for 6 weeks on Saturdays for a couple of hours. I really hope I enjoy it and that pottery will be one of my gifts.

Like many of the hand made greeting cards Christian made for me over the years, I want to make some beautiful pottery for him. I want to picture him smiling down from Heaven. My heart is heavy and I would rather have Christian here to bake his favorite chocolate cake and order him pizza for dinner. I imagine he is doing something far better than anything this earth could ever provide. Happy Birthday my dear son. I know you are having the best time building unlimited lego models and making beautiful pottery because in Heaven, you are not sick. I love you and miss you with all of my heart and soul.

img_0385-1 — This was drawn by my dad shortly after Christian passed away.

The Light in the Darkness

*Hitting the Rock Bottom* is a painting by Svein Ove Hareide

My last post was in March of 2023 and I want to thank you for being here after such a long gap. On a cloudy day of the same month, my life took a sharp turn that I did not see coming. I started experiencing higher levels of anxiety like never before and I had no idea what was happening. I just thought I was really stressed. I really knew something was wrong when I had my first panic attack.

I had a general feeling of anxiousness the next day and feeling lost that would barely let up and the moments of clarity became few and far between as time went on. The panic attacks increased and so did the fear and feelings of being unsafe. I started seeing a therapist and he did not explain to me why my brain was overreacting to things that slightly bothered me before. He said it was all normal. The panic attacks increased and I became stuck in a pattern of fight or flight that lasted for almost 2 months. I became exhausted in every way and eventually, I was barely able to care for my adult disabled son.

I blamed myself for what had happened to me. I did not know that anxiety disorders stem from years of stress, childhood environments, trauma, repressed grief and so much more. I thought I was letting my family down because my husband had to take time off of work and the stress on them was not healthy.

Things continued to worsen and I eventally ended up at rock bottom. It was the most difficult, painful time of my life. It was at the bottom that I realized that God had been with me the whole time, even when I did not feel worthy of His love. Jesus was there at the bottom with His arms open wide and He saved my life.

Photo by SevenStorm JUHASZIMRUS on Pexels.com

It took some time and hard lessons for me to decide to take the medication they were highly encouraging me to try. For most of my life, I have always looked down on medication for anxiety and depression. I would think things like, why doesn’t so and so get more exercise or eat better. For some people, that’s all they need alongside a good therapist who can teach the patient how to control panic attacks and learn cognitive behavior therapy skills. On the other side of the spectrum are people like me who need medication just to function, gain back strength, and also be able to do the work to heal.

Once the medication helped to get my system out of fight or flight, I started gaining strength little by little and eventually I was able to care for my son again. I prayed throughout the day, started practicing deep breathing techniques and meditation and I continue to practice them daily. I was blessed to find an awesome therapist and prescribing Nurse Practitioner and I started making strides. I have learned that anxiety is not my enemy, but a way for my body to let me know that I need to slow down and empty out that stress bucket that was getting too full. I also started following The Anxiety Guy on You Tube. He posts videos and has two podcasts. He had several anxiety disorders for years and has since healed. He has written four books that I know of that are super helpful and his programs are affordable and have helped thousands to heal from their anxiety disorders instead of just coping. I will always have my tool box but I am learning not to let anxiety run my life. It is a long, difficult journey, but I am learning so many things that I would have never learned on a different path.

God brought several miracles into our lives during my first year of healing and continues to daily. We found an angel of a caregiver to come in and help me get Drew up in the morning and she has become a close friend. Drew received an inheritance from his great grandfather and bought a new van! It wasn’t long before we started taking short little road trips and this past July, we went to Salt Lake City! When I was at rock bottom, I would have never imagined I would be where I am today.

Like any illness or condition a person recovers from, I have good days and bad days – we all do. Each day I am learning something new. My life is so different than it was before I broke and it is so much better in many ways. I have learned to slow down, trust God for EVERYTHING, love myself and the little me that went through some tough times growing up, and forgive myself while practicing self compassion.

If you have ever seen Brené Brown on You Tube or read any of her books, you would be familiar with her famous talk on vulnerability and her talk based on a quote by Teddy Roosevelt called The Man in the Arena https://youtu.be/fE6fa7OpVu0?si=QlcIlLlBQcbpLUzv. By publishing this post, I will be experiencing vulnerability like never before but that’s okay. Like Brené Brown said in her speech on being in the arena with her face marred and covered in blood and sweat, there are seats reserved for those who love and care about her and even for those who criticize her. Unless those who are critical of her are willing to join her in the arena, where life has kicked her up and down, she is not interested in what they have to say.

When I was in the darkness, unsure of my future and what was happening to me, I knew that once I healed I wanted to help others. I want to give my testimony to offer hope and to let others know that they too can heal and God can bring us out of the deepest, darkest places because He loves us unconditionally and cares for us deeply. September is National Suicide Awareness Month and it is so important for everyone to know that they matter, they are loved, and there is help. Like 911 connects us to emergency services, 988 connects you to counselors and people who can help you if you are in a crisis or contemplating suicide. There is help – people love you and care about you. I love you and am so thankful for your time. God bless you and there will be more posts to come. I am not on a timetable but I will continue to work on future posts as I continue this healing journey.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or are experiencing a mental health crisis, you can dial the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention hotline at 988 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.

Land Ho!

Three years ago I was diagnosed with a chronic health condition called Torticollis, also known as Cervical Dystonia. It took about nine months to even receive that diagnosis. I tried Botox injections hoping they would give me relief, but they ended up making me worse. I left my job, and many parts of my life were left in pieces. The simplest of tasks, such as using a computer, eating, and applying makeup, along with the more difficult task of caring for my son, became increasingly difficult to do. By the following Fall, I was sick and had no answers.

It took me longer to find an answer because all I could see was my life in pieces.

As I was reading Diagnosis Dystonia, by Tom Seaman, I came across a chapter where he talked about the Spasmodic Torticollis Recovery Clinic in New Mexico. This program helped him to recover, as well as many others who stayed faithful to the program all the way through. I was very excited after visiting the website and decided to do the remote distance program.

Finally, I saw rays of hope on the horizon.

As of today, I have been working hard at the program for two and a half years and I can finally see land in the distance! This has been the most difficult battle I have ever faced, and yet I have grown closer to Jesus Christ and learned things I would have never learned without going through this. I have learned many lessons about patience, faith, perseverance, trusting God, and the importance of knowing God’s love. I have also experienced being at one of the lowest points in my life and in the darkest nights of the soul. This battle of battles will become my testimony.

Knowing that God loves us is one of the most important parts of healing.

Sometimes the home stretch is the most difficult and I am working harder than ever on my program to reclaim my life. Just writing in this blog is a huge step towards the finish line! I am so very thankful for all of you for sticking around even though I have not posted for years. My writing is a bit rusty, but I am keeping at it and I know it will be even better in the end.

I look forward to sharing what I have learned and what it means to trust God with everything. I also had to overcome the worst fear I have ever faced. The Lord has given me strength to do the program every day and take care of my adult disabled son. This has not left me with a lot of free time, but in order to achieve victory we have to pay a price for a while. Once I am on the other side of this storm, I will be stronger, healthier and wiser. I will be better able to serve others and be who God created me to be. Like Joyce Meyer said, “Let your test become your testimony.”

We go through difficulties and trials to come out at the other side ready to share our story and give hope to others.

Oh My Hair!

Great Falls is a windy city. When the wind is not blowing, one is liable to tip over from not having that constant head wind holding them up straight. Last summer was one of the worst fire seasons in the state of Montana. During the span of two months, the wind barely blew. It was hot, smokey, and most of us had to stay indoors most of the summer. I have never missed wind as much as I did during the summer of 2017.

We do not live very far from an oil refinery. Most days it smells like sulfur, oil, and all kinds of offensive things. Thanks to the wind, the smell does not carry over to our neighborhood most days. The wastewater treatment plant is a little further than the refinery but on days when the wind doesn’t blow and they are cleaning up some extra nasty waste, the smell makes its way over. Eww.

d928fafd2a2872bc10e918623c9a3ae5 — Lipglossip

When I was young, I used to complain about the wind because it messed up my hair. Thank goodness for Aqua Net. I used loads of it. We went on a picnic the other day and with each bite of food I took, I about ate a mouthful of hair too. It’s easy to complain about wind but most of the time I think about what it does for us.

Wind is a clean source of power, it cleans the air and makes the sky look bluer, it helps ships to sail, gives birds a break as they fly in place, flies kites, allows us to paraglide and surf, makes leaves rustle on trees, and helps us to cool off after a hot, summer day.

The-Shipping-Industry-Could-Re-evaluate-the-Benefits-of-Wind-Power-2 — Softpedia News

I don’t use Aqua Net anymore but I am also older and I accept that a perfect hair day is a rarity. I am thankful for tumbleweeds blowing across the prairie in the wind, hair in my face as we drive down the highway, and swaying trees so long as we do not blow away to Oz like Dorothy and Toto. Next time my hairstyle is ruined by the wind or I end up with dirt it my eye I will think about the positive side of wind.

All In!

Several years ago, my husband started playing Texas Hold ‘Em. We played poker in the past but it was always Five Card Draw and we gambled with pinto beans or pennies. He started watching the WSOP and playing small wager cash games. He would come home and talk about some of the hands and most of it went over my head.

When poker was on television and I happened to be sitting on the couch with a book in front of me, I would occasionally look up to see who Dave was talking about. In 2011 Pius Heinz was the WSOP Main Event winner. I started paying attention to the players that year because I enjoyed seeing Ben Lamb stare at the other players in the hands.

Christian had no interest in poker whatsoever but for some reason, he liked the way Pius Heinz dressed. One day, he even put on one of his hoodies and imitated him. That is the closest Christian ever came to being interested in poker. When Dave and Drew started talking about poker hands, Christian would always say “Mom, Dad and Drew are being boring again.”

Christian dressed like Pius Heinz

Poker Listings

Dave has been fortunate enough to play in some of the smaller events during the WSOP. Over the years, I have learned about several of the players. When Dave told me he played a hand with Antonio Esfandiari I was very excited for him. In 2016, Dave made it to day two of his event and had his picture taken with Fedor Holz. I was thrilled for him, especially since I had watched Fedor play against Phil Helmuth on television recently. I remember watching this because Phil was becoming aggravated and started repeating that he was “on a rampage.” Fedor told Phil he reminded him of an angry Bob Ross. If you are familiar with Phil Helmuth’s reputation of being a Poker Brat, you would find a lot of humor in it also.

Dave with Fedor Holz, who happened to win over $18 million that summer

As much as I have tried to distance myself from poker, I have been learning to play at home. Since I am starting to understand the rules of Hold ‘Em and some of the strategies, I watched some of the Super High Roller Bowl, a $300,000 entry tournament, with Dave and enjoyed it. Dave asked me if I was ready to play in one of the monthly tournaments he plays in, and I replied “No way.” I do not understand the rules and strategies enough to feel comfortable playing in organized events. I would rather start by playing in cash games with friends and family.

Dave dreams of playing in the WSOP Main Event one day and I really do hope it becomes true. Even if it doesn’t, not many of us can say that we met Ray Romano while playing at a cash game at the Venetian or that we played hands with poker champions. I will continue learning and hopefully one day I will play in a tournament of my own.

Could Have Been Me

Today’s song of the day is Could Have Been Me by The Struts. When I listened to the lyrics, I wanted to jump up and shout the lyrics along with the song.

Don’t wanna live as an untold story
Rather go out in a blaze of glory
I can’t hear you, I don’t fear you
I’ll live now cause the bad die last
Dodging bullets with your broken past
I can’t hear you, I don’t fear you now

Wrapped in your regret
What a waste of blood and sweat
Oh oh oh

I wanna taste love and pain
Wanna feel pride and shame
I don’t wanna take my time
Don’t wanna waste one line
I wanna live better days
Never look back and say
Could have been me
It could have been me
Yeah

Don’t wanna live as an unsung melody
I’d rather listen to the silence telling me
I can’t hear you, I won’t fear you
Don’t wanna wake up on Monday morning
The thought of work’s getting my skin crawling
I can’t fear you, I don’t hear you now

We all have songs that speak to our hearts. This particular song has since the first time I heard it. I think that three of the worst phrases along with “I can’t” are phrases that include the words coulda, woulda and shoulda. I use these words far more than I ought to and I want to say them less. If I live to be an old woman, I want to look back and know that I lived the best days I could in service and love. I hope to be able to look back and know that I changed the world in some way, even by encouraging and uplifting others.

We all have a song in our hearts and many of us are afraid to live out the melodies that God places in us. Fear can only keep us from living with purpose and without regret if we allow it to. Our pasts cannot keep us from having an excellent finish. When we refuse to allow fear and mistakes of our past to keep us from pursuing our dreams and showing up each and every day as our best selves, then we will not have to say “It could have been me.”

Goodbye Summer

Fall is by far my favorite season. It brings golden leaves, bluer skies, and cool breezes. After a summer dominated by smoke and fire, it was a great relief to see two days of rain and cooler temperatures. I looked out the window and noticed something different along with seeing a blue sky – the trees were swaying. It took me a while to realize that we barely had any wind since the heat and drought set in late June. The wind usually blows so much that we practically fall over when it doesn’t, so welcome back wind! I will try not to complain when you blow my hair all over the place!

With summer coming to a close and fall approaching fast, I wanted to share the highlights of my summer in photos. I went for a visit to Lewistown in June and enjoyed taking Mom to dinner at the local Mexican restaurant. I enjoyed several walks with my family, before the smoke rolled in, on the River’s Edge Trail. My husband and I celebrated our 25th anniversary by taking a trip to San Jose and San Francisco. We crossed the Golden Gate Bridge on foot and it was exhilarating. Finally, in August I was thrilled to see Drew in a tuxedo for the first time for my niece’s wedding.

I admit that the smokey skies made their way into my spirit. I forgot that the smallest of gifts are the most important: a mourning dove perched outside of the dining room window, the chatter of chickadees on my way back to the office, golden spots of sun on the floor, ceramic pigs strategically placed around my house by my neighbor for me to find, time with my husband on the couch watching Suits, and a smile from a coworker.

I came across the quote in the picture above during one of my morning meditation sessions. When we live in our heads, our lives can pass by unnoticed. We miss the bird placed on a branch in the perfect place for us to look up and see him. We miss the cloud in the sky shaped like a heart or the uplifting lyrics of a song. It’s better to let our fearful thoughts pass by like clouds in the sky than to end up underneath them for months, even years. Remember the cartoons when a character had a raining cloud over his head wherever he went? That is exactly what it is like to live in our heads. This is something I am guilty of and I have realized that life is far too precious to go by unnoticed for even a moment.

Next month will be three years since Christian passed away. The turning leaves take me back to the months before his passing and it can be very painful – like it just happened. As the day approaches I want to see the world as I would want Christian to see it – a miracle in process, given to us by a God who loves us.