God – The road less traveled

50 Years

When most of us turn 50, we are not suprised to see grey hairs sprouting out, have more trouble getting up off of the floor, or be added to the AARP mailing list (I was not impressed with this one). What I was not expecting was losing my father. He passed away on November 16th after a lengthy illness and my heart will never be the same.

Dad had so many talents with hunting being one of his favorites.

During the weeks that followed, my husband was a huge source of support. One day when the grief was especially painful, Dave reminded me that as hard as it was to lose him, I had 50 years with him. This changed my perspective dramatically.

For 50 years, I had the most wonderful father I could ask for, a father that always took care of me and my sisters and molded us into what we are today. Some of the most wonderful qualities that I see in my sisters and myself are from him. I have so many wonderful memories that far outweigh the troubling times. Memories of camping, fishing, hunting, archery tournaments, watching Clint Eastwood westerns, goofing off around the house, going on vacation to Arizona and California and driving to many places throughout Montana.

There is so much I want to share but that would make this into a novel-sized blog post. Over the past few months, some memories have been more vivid than others. One memory is when my husband and I got married in 1992. My parents and my youngest sister drove up to Rapid City. At the ceremony, Dad looked so handsome in his Army uniform. As we were getting ready to walk down the aisle, I couldn’t move. I looked down and saw that he was standing on my dress! We both had a good laugh before Dad proceeded to walk me down the aisle to give me away to my future husband.

Another memory is from years before when I was a little girl. I decided one day that I was going to help with the laundry. I threw random clothes into the washer and a good portion of them were Dad’s. I let the water run in, threw in some detergent and grabbed the bleach, which I proceeded to pour directly into the wash. When Mom noticed what I was doing, it was too late. Dad’s jeans and some of his favorite button up shirts were covered with white spots. Needless to say, he was pretty angry! Strangely, I do not remember being punished, but seeing the disappointment on Dad’s face when he saw his clothes was punishment enough.

Dad hung out with me and my sons at the Lewistown fair years ago.

When Dad came to our house to visit during the later years, my husband nicknamed him “Hurricane John”. He would bring his things in and randomly set them all over the house as he walked in. Dad was always an early riser and he made no exceptions when he was away from home. He would wake up not too long after me (I inherited the same quality of getting up early) and he would talk like it was the middle of the day. We would sit at the table with our bibles and talk before I started getting my boys up. I am so blessed to have had those morning chats with Dad.

Dad, Christian and Drew at Lewistown Pioneer Days

After I developed a chronic health condition in 2017, I was unable to travel the 109 miles to see my parents. A few months before Dad passed away, I was able to make the drive! I was able to visit with Dad for a few hours that trip and I was also able to make another trip less than a month later. I bent down and hugged him before I left that last time and it was the first time he didn’t get up from his chair to hug me. After he passed away, I had brief feelings of anger at not being able to see him as much while I was unable to drive down. I quickly replaced those feeling with gratefulness. The Lord’s timing is perfect and he healed me enough to be able to see him before he left us.

These memories, along with countless others, will give me comfort when I feel the loss in my aching heart. Those of us who are blessed to have known Dad and loved him will never stop noticing the hole in the world that symbolizes his passing, but the memories, oh the sweet memories, will make us smile.

My Comeback

I would like to start this post by thanking everyone who hung in there while I was on a nearly 5 year hiatus. I am so happy to be able to start posting again, even if I have to take baby steps. God bless you all and thank you so much!

In May of 2017, I developed a neurological condition called Spasmodic Torticollis, also known as Cervical Dystonia. After trying unsuccessfully to ease the spasms and pulling with Botox, my condition worsened and I became very sick. This condition took a wrecking ball to every area of my life. I was no longer able to use my computer, read, write, apply makeup or do anything that required my head to be still. Even sitting became nearly impossible, as well as being able to relax and lie still.

Thanks to the good Lord, I came across information about the Spasmodic Torticollis Recovery Clinic in New Mexico. I started a remote program of massage, stretches, weight exercises, dietary guidelines, and attitude work over four years ago today. Like many things that we set out to do, my recovery has taken much longer than I thought and been far more difficult than anything I have every done.

Photo by u0410u043du043du0430 u0420u044bu0436u043au043eu0432u0430 on Pexels.com

During the first two years of doing the program, I thought for sure it would only take two years at the most to recover. Boy, was I in for a surprise. It took until recently for me to understand why God is taking so much longer than I thought to help me win this battle of battles. God didn’t just want to heal me physically. God wants me to be whole. He wants to heal my spirit, soul, heart, and mind. I tried many things during the first three years of my journey, like trying to make things happen in my own timing. All that did was prolong the process and even put me on an 18 month long detour.

I look forward to sharing with you the things I have learned. Things such as patience, perseverence, trusting in God’s timing and ways, overcoming fear and others. I would have never learned so many of the things I did if I would not have developed Torticollis

I am excited to report that I am about 95 percent recovered! Once I reach full recovery, I will develop a maintenance routine and continue most of what I currently do; however, on a much smaller, more manageable scale. Next will be stepping back into my life, which I am currently working on in small, baby steps. I am hoping to be able to make more consistent blog posts in the near future, but until then, I will do what I can each day and each week.

Am I the same person I was before I lost my health? I think that anyone who has also had to deal with a chronic illness would say, I am definately not the same, but better. Thank you so much for your time and I look forward to beginning my life again!

Land Ho!

Three years ago I was diagnosed with a chronic health condition called Torticollis, also known as Cervical Dystonia. It took about nine months to even receive that diagnosis. I tried Botox injections hoping they would give me relief, but they ended up making me worse. I left my job, and many parts of my life were left in pieces. The simplest of tasks, such as using a computer, eating, and applying makeup, along with the more difficult task of caring for my son, became increasingly difficult to do. By the following Fall, I was sick and had no answers.

It took me longer to find an answer because all I could see was my life in pieces.

As I was reading Diagnosis Dystonia, by Tom Seaman, I came across a chapter where he talked about the Spasmodic Torticollis Recovery Clinic in New Mexico. This program helped him to recover, as well as many others who stayed faithful to the program all the way through. I was very excited after visiting the website and decided to do the remote distance program.

Finally, I saw rays of hope on the horizon.

As of today, I have been working hard at the program for two and a half years and I can finally see land in the distance! This has been the most difficult battle I have ever faced, and yet I have grown closer to Jesus Christ and learned things I would have never learned without going through this. I have learned many lessons about patience, faith, perseverance, trusting God, and the importance of knowing God’s love. I have also experienced being at one of the lowest points in my life and in the darkest nights of the soul. This battle of battles will become my testimony.

Knowing that God loves us is one of the most important parts of healing.

Sometimes the home stretch is the most difficult and I am working harder than ever on my program to reclaim my life. Just writing in this blog is a huge step towards the finish line! I am so very thankful for all of you for sticking around even though I have not posted for years. My writing is a bit rusty, but I am keeping at it and I know it will be even better in the end.

I look forward to sharing what I have learned and what it means to trust God with everything. I also had to overcome the worst fear I have ever faced. The Lord has given me strength to do the program every day and take care of my adult disabled son. This has not left me with a lot of free time, but in order to achieve victory we have to pay a price for a while. Once I am on the other side of this storm, I will be stronger, healthier and wiser. I will be better able to serve others and be who God created me to be. Like Joyce Meyer said, “Let your test become your testimony.”

We go through difficulties and trials to come out at the other side ready to share our story and give hope to others.

What Faith Can Do

This past week I listened to some great Christian music. The song that has been in my head is What Faith Can Do by Kutlass. This song started playing on my Pandora feed just when I needed to hear it. I was feeling some pain and loneliness as I thought about Christian and I was doubting my strength to do all God had given me to do that day.

Official music video

We all come to places in our lives when we fall on our faces, face health issues or financial uncertainty, or we lose loved ones and face unspeakable heartache. This song is about rising from the ashes to find beauty, never giving up, and not being afraid to take that first step to make a new beginning. God is always by our side and He hears our prayers, even the silent prayer from the heart.

Our valleys may seem deep and unending but the sun will eventually shine. God gives us strength to keep going and because of this we are much stronger than we know. He helps us get through difficulties to get to the side of victory.

Faith gave me courage to get out of bed every morning of the first year after our son passed away. I barely had the strength to pray, but I still did even if it was a simple “God, help me!” Faith gave me the strength to continue caring for my family even though I thought the weight of grief would crush me. Faith helps us see the silver lining during a health challenge and gives us never ending hope. Faith can move the mountains in our lives if we trust God completely.

I hope you enjoy the video. I enjoy almost all of their music and this song will always have a special place in my heart.

Compassionate Critters

I went to Gibson Park today to go for a short walk. The breeze was blowing constantly, as it always does in Great Falls, but it felt invigorating. As I walked on the oval path around the park, I heard baby chickadees above me as I passed under a tree, saw several squirrels prancing across the grass, and I heard yellow warblers and an American goldfinch.

He stood next to me for a few minutes.

First he peeked around the corner at me.

Afterward, I took a seat on a bench on one of the docks over the pond and watched the waves ripple across the water and the geese and ducks gently float past. After a few minutes, I noticed movement in my peripheral vision. First I saw a tiny head and then the neck and body of a Canadian goose. It was comical because it was like he was peering around a corner to see if I would notice him. Even after he realized that I did not have any food, he stood next to me to look out over the pond. He was so close to me that I could see his brown pupils and the softness of his elongated neck. Occasionally, he would turn around and peacefully observe me. I found this to be very comforting because up until I arrived at the park, I was having a difficult day. I truly believe that animals just get it – they know when we need comfort. I am not just referring to dogs – this is the reason why they are “man’s best friend.” I also mean birds, horses, rabbits, and many other furry critters.

Christian had a zebra finch named Kiwi for several years. Kiwi was a ornery, wild, little fella and Christian would park his wheelchair next to his cage every evening before we covered his cage up with his blanket. He referred to Kiwi as his best friend because he was always there. I think that Kiwi waited to die until the year following Christian’s passing because it would have broken his heart. It was a comfort having Kiwi around after our boy passed away because it gave us a tangible connection to Christian. A few days before Kiwi passed away, he kept hopping to the front of his cage and he would park right under the door and wait for us to come in and pet him. It was so strange because Kiwi was always very wild and didn’t want us to get too close to him. I think it was his way of giving us comfort before he died.

In the months following Christian’s passing, several rabbits hopped onto our back deck and they would sit right in front of the sliding glass door, sometimes looking inside. A few days before Christian passed away, there were close to 20 Eurasian collared doves on our back sidewalk. I have experienced a great amount of comfort from God’s critters over the last few years.

At Christian’s graveside service, we released doves. Our youngest son was able to hold one of the white doves, Sirius, before he released her. He was then able to open the lid on the basket so the rest of the doves could fly out. I first read about the doves in a newspaper article about the funeral services of Deputy Joe Dunn, who was killed in the line of duty. They released doves at his graveside service and he is buried just down the slope from our boy.

God gave us animals for comfort and companionship. Whether it is a cat, dog, parakeet, or birds at our feeder, if we take notice we will see that they really do care about us.

Drew holding Sirius a few days after the funeral.

Beautiful Hands

My grandmother of 92 years is in hospice care. I drove over to see her last week and was taken aback by how frail she looked. As I sat next to her and talked to her, I kept looking at her hands. I thought of everything her hands accomplished during her life – raising three boys; taking care of a home; breeding and raising beagles; growing, picking, and canning massive amounts of vegetables every year; shooting and processing deer every year; raising and caring for rabbits; boarding dogs; creating art and building things; and living a full life. Her hands became still on her blanket as she slept, and I watched her hands raising up and down to match her breathing as I thought of everything they accomplished during her life.

July 19, 1980 — Some of my fondest memories are being in grandma’s backyard or in her garden.

Grandma only said what needed to be said and she said it with truth and boldness. I honestly cannot remember her ever making small talk. The funniest thing I remember hearing her say to date was about a woman sitting in the waiting room with her as she waited for the eye doctor: “She talked and talked for 30 minutes and didn’t say a thing.” Grandma listened and I know this because she always had a remedy or an idea for just about anything. When Dave had to go into the hospital for a stomach ulcer, her advice was to have him eat some lamb. When I wrote to her about our finches and the eggs that were being laid, she gave me tips on caring for a female that was having a hard time passing the eggs. I told grandma once how much I enjoyed hearing chickadees and she told me that she always knew when a deer was around because the chickadees would start chirping. I am thankful for every moment I have had with her and I will always try to follow her example in many areas of my life.

Equally amazing is my sister and our good friend, both of whom are caring for my grandma. The sacrifices they are making, the dedication, and the love they are pouring out for her truly humbles me beyond words.

We are not here on this earth just to exist, waiting for Friday every week and dreading Mondays. We are here to love, create, serve, worship, lift others up, and bless one another. One of the greatest gifts God gives us is the opportunity to care for others – whether it is hands on caregiving, offering a smile to a stranger or encouragement to a co-worker, donating our time or resources to people in need or simply being who God created us to be with no fear holding us back – only holy boldness and beautiful hands.

Scars Strengthen Us

I read a story about four seeds in a book by Rev J. Martin called God’s Grace Is On The Way: Let go, embrace love. To sum it up, four seeds were taken up by the wind and dropped into a clearing in the jungle. Their dream was to grow to be beautiful trees, towering over the jungle. Three monkeys also lived in the clearing that liked to amuse themselves by throwing bananas at any plant that tried to grow. This made it very difficult for the seeds to take root. The seeds agreed that it would be better to wait for the group of monkeys to move on before they attempted to grow.

Weeks passed and one seed thought she should at least attempt it. When she tried to grow, the monkeys pelted her with bananas. She tried and tried, even after the other seeds asked her to stop trying. She didn’t give up but kept trying harder and harder as the monkeys continued to attack the plant.

Then, one day, the monkeys hit her with bananas but none made her stoop over. The little tree had taken so many blows that she was now full of hard knots and scars. Her slim trunk had gotten thicker and more resistant and could now withstand the impact of a banana. The monkeys were unable to uproot her. She grew until she became the most majestic tree in the jungle.

When we are dealt a bad hand in life or end up facing all sorts of difficulties, it is easy to give up on our dreams and goals. It could be bad news from the doctor, the loss of a loved one or financial difficulty that puts us in the middle of one of life’s storms. The storms can be so bad that it is difficult to see the other side of the lake and we wonder how we will ever make it across to the other side.

After recently being diagnosed with a chronic illness, I wasn’t sure if I could pursue my dreams any longer. I thought about the loss of my son, Christian, his brother, Andrew, who continues to fight his muscular dystrophy and my husband who lives with a heart condition. After being pelted with several bunches of bananas I set my dreams aside.

When we make it to the other side of life’s storms we become more resilient and strong. God can use us in amazing ways when we let Him give us the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other when life gets hard. We can then be an inspiration to others who are dealing with their own difficulties.

We are all given gifts from God to make the world a better place. Some of us sing, play instruments, serve, sew, write or draw. Some of us are given the gift of inspiration. It is amazing what a kind word or a little encouragement can do for the spirit of another. No matter what difficulties come our way, we must never give up on the gifts that God graces us with. He knows how important our gifts are so He will give us the strength we need to make it through life’s storms.

365 New Beginnings

As I look out the window at the last day of 2017, I am thankful for the beauty and perfection on display. The snow is deep and smooth and it covers everything in a graceful blanket of white. The sky is a soft blue with whispy clouds and the birds gently eat at the feeders.

Like many, I am ready to say goodbye to this year and hello to 2018. I have never been one for resolutions or crash diets, but I do look forward to a new beginning. I am ready to leave the difficulties of this year behind and carry with me the lessons learned and the things God has blessed me with into 2018. God has blessed me with His strength and mercy every single morning that I opened my eyes. His Word has given me guidance through difficulties and challenges and has given me comfort on my most painful days. He has given me a loving, supportive husband and a wonderful son. I was a bride’s maid in my niece’s wedding this past summer, and my husband and I were able to take a long overdue vacation to sunny California. God has given me His comfort when I missed my son the most – if I would wake up dreaming that Christian is still with us or if I dreamt of losing him again. I have learned the importance of balance and rest of the mind, body and soul and how loving ourselves is the foundation to everything in our lives. By loving ourselves, we become more open to receiving the love of God. God pours His love into our hearts until they overflow so we can in turn love others.

What are my intentions for the new year?

To love even more…

To thank God for each new day and for the miracles He so graciously bestows upon us…

To invest in the gifts God has given me so I can bless others with them…

To serve others more…

To do more to brighten another’s day, whether it’s a smile, holding open the door, letting a vehicle go ahead of me in traffic or sending a greeting card or letter…

To keep my thoughts centered on the good things in life while letting go of the rest…

Each day is a new beginning, a chance to enjoy God’s mercy and love while experiencing His goodness which He promises us in His Word. I wish all of you a peaceful, blessed 2018 and that all your hopes and dreams come to life while love flourishes in your hearts and daily lives.

A Year of Blessings

In the book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I am on gift number 548. I started writing down God’s gifts last fall. I have asked myself repeatedly why I haven’t reached 1000. I admit that over the last year I have had a tendency to complain instead of offering praise to the Lord for His many gifts.

I did not fully understand the meaning of bittersweet until we lost our boy. He suffered for the last year of his life and I felt relief (for him) mixed with profound heartache (for me) when he passed away. Christian spent the last year of his life tilted back in his wheelchair to relieve his chronic pain. He was able to read books on his iPhone because it was so lightweight and he played video games for limited amounts of time every day. He lost the ability to play video games the night before he passed away. He drove into the kitchen, held up his hands and said “Mom, my hands are not working.” He didn’t want to be resuscitated or to live with a breathing tube and he hated hospitals. Christian told me weeks before his passing that he wanted to die at home, in his own bed with his bird, Kiwi, in the room.

The pain we endured during the weeks and months that followed was unimaginable. How was it possible that I experienced joy when I looked at the sky as it turned red and orange at sunset? Why did everything look so much more beautiful after I lost my son? It was like a layer was peeled away from my soul and everything that looked beautiful before now brought tears to my eyes.

Being thankful makes the pain more bearable – the pain of losing a loved one, of the violence in the world, the constant stream of negativity in the media – the pain of living in a broken world. God gives us little presents each and every day and if we open our hearts and our eyes we will find them: the chitter of a chickadee, the glint of sunlight on a soapy plate, steam rising from a hot cup of tea or an unexpected call from a loved one.

I have so much to be thankful for and I am making more of an effort to focus on blessings instead of burdens. The Lord has given me strength to put one foot in front of the other on days when the loss feels fresh, He has blessed me with a loving husband and son, with an accessible home for Drew, a wonderful job, and a long awaited trip to California this past summer (thanks to my sister who came up from Wyoming to care for Drew). God continues to bless us with His love, grace and healing. He blesses me with the guidance and strength contained in His Word each and every morning. As we thank the Lord for His goodness we become lights in a dark world and we give hope to those who are suffering.

The Beauty of the Lord

On the evening before Christian passed away he told me that all he wanted was to be able to look at things without being in pain. He wanted to watch his finch, Kiwi, hop around or relax in his cage. He wanted to gaze at birds at the feeder, beautiful sunsets, and stars in the night sky. Little did I know these were some of the last words he would say to me.

Tomorrow marks three years since Christian left this world to be with the Lord. Many think that with time it gets easier, but in some ways that is not so. It adds on another year since I have heard his voice and seen his sweet face. The ache in my heart feels stronger at moments and I remember things I would rather forget.

A few days ago I came across Psalm 27:4 “One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek, inquire for, and require: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold and gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to meditate, consider, and inquire in His temple.” Even though I have read and meditated on this verse before, it moved me to tears. I remembered what Christian said and I wondered if he knew he was going to die.

This scripture, among others, moved me to make more of an effort to gaze at the beauty of God’s creation and capture it in photographs. I find beauty in seeing the dark outline of tree branches against an autumn sunset, a patch of light on the tract books at work, a house finch resting on the shepherd’s hook, flowers on my table, squirrels playing around a tree at the park and Canadian geese lying down in the grass. In honor of my son I encourage you to take a photo of something beautiful and post it on social media. Noticing God’s abundant blessings and sharing them encourages others to focus on the goodness of God and also spreads more joy.