bible – The road less traveled

Cheated or Chosen?

Last week I spent a few rare moments scrolling through social media. I was looking for inspiration and ended up seeing people on the beach, at work or outside enjoying nature. Over the years, I have spent less time on social media because I walk away from my phone feeling irritation or sadness.

Last week, I watched a You Tube video by Priscilla Shirer called Let God Restore Your Circumstances https://youtu.be/HHRllMZKmlc?si=KFQ7UlET40QDqI8h. In the video, she talked about a woman who was successful in her job but was led by the Holy Spirit to leave. It was a frustrating, scary time for her and she ended up babysitting for several families. She not only watched over the children, but she shared bible stories with them, brought over casseroles for the families, and formed close bonds with the children and families. After a time, she asked God why she left a successful job to babysit. She was understandably frustrated and confused about her purpose. God answered her prayers by showing her the smiles on the children’s faces when she rang the doorbell and the importance of the moms and dads spending time away – she knew that her purpose was so much deeper than babysitting.

Illustration of a path through spring, summer, autumn, and winter landscapes

I left my job at a Title Insurance Company to take care of my boys. As they were growing older they started having difficulty having their needs met by daycare. They were needing more help getting ready in the mornings which made it increasingly difficult for me to get it all done by 8:00 a.m. Things were a little tight financially but the stress level in our home dropped dramatically.

I stayed home with the boys for over ten years. It was a blessing for us: I was able to meet the boys’ increased needs without hiring any help and I was able to be there 100 percent for all of their surgeries, doctor appointments, and trips out of town for MDA events or visiting family. My husband worked long hours so it was a huge blessing to be able to stay home and take care of the housework and the boys so he could rest. He was diagnosed in 2005 with a genetic heart condition and I wanted to take the load off of him as much as I could.

The boys always enjoyed the River’s Edge Trail

It wasn’t until a few years after my oldest son, Christian, passed away that I began to feel like a prisoner in my own home. All around me my family and friends were traveling to fun destinations and sending me photos or posting them on social media. I have always been genuinely happy for them, but I also began to question my purpose and grew tired of feeling like I was standing still while life continued to move forward for everyone else.

So many of my classmates are grandparents now. I made peace knowing that I would most likely not be a grandmother but I still feel left out when I see people my age spending time with cute wee ones.

Over the years, I have learned to appreciate the small miracles in my daily life. As a result, it doesn’t take much to amuse me. When I went on a walk with my precious friend, she was amazed at how much I noticed as we walked along the river – various birds that I could identify by sight or sound, tiny streams of water bubbling out of the rock or a beautiful wildflower in the middle of a patch of weeds. I am truly thankful for this gift from God. Have I really been cheated?

I have always found great joy taking photos in the flower garden at Gibson Park.

When I went to the funeral home to see my son the day before the service, I sat in the room alone with him and I talked to him. I realized how much of a blessing it was to be able to take care of one of God’s special children. We are all His special children but there is something miraculous in His children who smile and inspire others despite their declining health. I thanked Christian for the honor of being his mother for 21 years. I realized that I was chosen to be a mother of 2 beautiful boys.

Through my experiences in raising 2 sons with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and the experiences I continue to have with my youngest son, Andrew, I want to write a book about their condition that can guide other parents through this difficult journey. I want to take the mistakes I made and the things I have learned to help other families living with this disease as well as any other challenge their children may be facing.

I don’t have to travel the world to know that God has a plan and purpose for my life. All I need to do is look into my son’s eyes and hear the love in his voice when he calls me “Best Mom”. Will the book I want to write take 5 years? 10? What else has God chosen me for? As I walk with Him each day in trust, surrender, prayer, and by reading His Word, He will show me each day what I need to do to remember that I have been chosen.

A New Journey

As I looked at the deep blue sky this morning, I was filled with awe. In the foreground, starlings started to line up on the power line. As I saw them I started to feel sadness. Every year, around Christian’s birthday, starlings gather and they fly around our house in huge masses.

Thousands of birds flock above colorful autumn trees and a park path — Thousands of birds swirl above vivid autumn trees under a dramatic cloudy sky.

I marvel at our ability as humans to feel so much at the same time. This is a blessing and something that I also wish I could turn off like a switch. Why do we have to experience the difficult emotions – grief, loneliness, anguish, fear, anxiety and so on? For years, I avoided feeling sadness and grief as I watched my sons’ health and independence deteriorate. Fear or some other unpleasant feeling would creep in and I would push it aside by keeping busy or looking at my phone.

There is a reason why God gave us the ability to feel. In order to be truly alive, we need to feel. Our emotions are a compass to guide us to what needs attention in our lives. I ignored this internal compass for decades until it began affecting my health – tense muscles, spasms, digestive problems, weakened immunity to name a few. Chronic stress accumulates in our bodies, spirts, and minds creating disruption to our well being.

As I was approaching rock bottom in 2023, my sister reminded me that our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit. “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) We honor God with our bodies by loving others and by loving ourselves enough to honor our emotions. We honor God by serving others out of our overflowing cup. God does not desire for us to be burned out and unfulfilled.

We were bought at a price – the blood of Jesus Christ. God loves us that much!!! Jesus wants us to live a full, abundant life. (John 10:10) By carrying around trauma, grief, and stuck emotions, I have been walking around in life with a backpack full of boulders. My body could only go on that way for so long.

This past spring, I enrolled in the Thriven Functional Medicine Program. I knew I needed help and guidance on the road to wellness. I always considered myself ahead of the curve with my health. I ate as clean as possible for over a decade and learned as much as I could about nutrition while ignoring my fading spirit and the emotions that were accumulating inside of me. I found out that my muscle mass is far lower than normal women my age, my immune system is weakened from chronic stress, and I have adrenal fatigue from…drumroll…chronic stress.

In order to begin on the road to wellness, I had to begin changing habits that have been a part of me for decades. For years, I did the same thing hoping that things would change. I have learned to admit that things in our lives do not change if we remain the same – functioning on too little sleep, people pleasing at the expense of my getting any rest, not getting regular exercise or sunlight, and being isolated. It was when I started making changes that I stopped falling asleep at the table during meals and I started losing weight.

Although Thriven is a seven month program, it’s only the beginning of a journey of healing in my mind, body, soul and spirit. At the root of illness for many of us are things like negative childhood experiences, trauma, loss, and abuse. By not facing these difficult situations, they fester in us like an infected wound. I have been learning what it means to look at my reflection in the mirror and respect the woman looking back, what self-care is and how we cannot give from an empty cup, that what we say and think about ourselves matters, and how important having non-negotiables in life is.

This month will be 12 years since Christian went to be with Jesus. The grieving I went through was only the tip of the iceberg. So much is buried beneath the surface of my made-up face and smile. Over the course of the next year or more, I will be facing the emotions I have buried for far too long and the back pack will slowly become lighter as the rocks will be taken out bit by bit.

This past weekend, Pastor Nate talked about their being “No Useless Tools” in the church family. He talked about the gifts and talents that God gives us and how we are to use them to serve and help others. Just because we are not gifted to play a guitar or sing doesn’t mean we have less meaning. I know a couple of the gifts that God has gifted me with and I look forward to blessing others with them. In order to do so I need to heal and know the truth – that we are worthy and loved more than we can think or imagine!

I am excited to share my journey with you. I posted regularly in this blog until about a year or so after Christian passed away. As I write this post today, I feel happy knowing that I am investing in one of the gifts God has given me. I look forward to what He has to show me. I will be stepping outside of my comfort zone but Jesus will be by my side every step of the way.

The River of Surrender

Complete surrender to God leads us to true freedom!!!

I was just telling Dave yesterday that I felt like the waters of life’s circumstances were about to overtake me and I was struggling to keep them from sweeping me away to oblivion.

This morning in my Freedom study, I read Ezekiel 47:1-12. The Lord is leading him to deeper waters until he reaches a part of the river that is too deep for him to keep his feet firmly on the bottom. At the banks of the river at this point, it is teeming with life – fruit trees bearing fruit year round and life in the waters.

I realized after studying this that I can be in the deep waters and surrender completely to God because this is where He meets us with his healing, amazing blessings, and goodness. Fighting for control for decades led me to burnout, anxiety, and a failed suicide attempt.

It’s time to let go of control, trust God completely, and flow with the current, trusting that where God is taking me is good. This is where I will heal and truly live!

The Threshing Sledge

As I read today’s Our Daily Bread devotion, tears streamed down my face. The author wrote about a bear cub that was rescued and how it did not want to let go of the man who rescued him. I started to reflect on my own journey and how much I have needed Jesus for so much of my life. The more I study God’s Word and learn about Jesus, the more I want to surrender to Him.

In the first few verses of Psalm 55, David is pleading to God: “Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught…My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.” (V. 1-2, 4-6)

After I experienced a nervous breakdown and developed General Anxiety Disorder, I experienced desperation as my body and mind broke down. The enemy used this as an opportunity to destroy me. My thoughts became dark, disturbing and very troubling. I began to experience panic episodes because they scared me and made me feel like I was losing my mind. I was desperate and pleaded with God. I became very fearful, my body trembled, my neck spasms increased and I could not sleep.

Shame from the darkness of my thoughts crept in and I could not read my Bible. I began to feel separate and forsaken by God for the first time in my life. I thought often of fleeing like a dove to find the rest I desperately needed. This eventually lead to a failed suicide attempt.

I didn’t know how much I needed God until He met me at rock bottom. In my darkest moment, when the people around me seemed so cruel and uncaring, God was there. No one really knows what it is like to suffer from extreme anxiety and panic disorder unless they have been there. I do not want anyone else to know the agony and loneliness associated with it.

Once I settled in back home and started the long process of healing, I relied heavily upon Jesus. I got down on my knees and prayed when the anxiety and depression began to feel overwhelming. “Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and He hears my voice.” (v. 17)

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

God heard me and answered me. He brought a caregiver into my life to help with Drew and she has become my best friend and mentor, along with her wonderful husband. The have led me on a faith walk that has catapulted me into places I thought I would never see. She has been alongside of me as I have been on the threshing floor. https://youtu.be/s6CxzZvkUtA?si=8rASA92G9zVK1fyU

I began to learn what it means to surrender my life to God and the Holy Spirit. “Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.” (v. 22) As I have surrendered more, doors have been opening left and right. I have joined a small bible study group, been invited to coffee with new friends, received an outpouring of support and love during the most difficult moments and started serving at church. I have experienced the power of the Holy Spirit as I have given over the reigns of my life to Jesus.

This hasn’t been without pain. I have felt like I have been under the threshing sled, but it has refined me. The trauma and emotion that have been held down for most of my life has surfaced and I have been seeing a therapist to learn how to deal with them.

God knows how long I need to go through this. At the same time, I have felt release from fear that cannot be explained away by medication alone. As I have been taking anxiety medications, I have also had to make lifestyle changes and align my thinking and my life up with the Word of God. I know that God will deliver me, and eventually, I will no longer need them.

If you are suffering from anxiety, depression or suicidal thoughts, please reach out. It may feel like there is no hope but there is – His Name is Jesus. You can call 988, your counselor, a friend or go to your local emergency room. You are not crazy, you will not be put into a padded room. I had to stay at an inpatient unit twice and it was scary. I look back at it now and realize that it saved my life. You are loved more than you can imagine!!!

Your healing is ahead, your dreams are in front of you; they are just obscured by the noise in your head caused by trauma, stress and years of repressed emotions. It’s okay to take medication if you need to because it helps you do the work – praying, studying God’s Word, journaling, talking it out, learning how to process emotions and taking care of yourself. You matter!!! You are LOVED!!!

Light Shines Brighter in the Darkness

What would I say to the part of me that has been in the dark for so many years? What does she need and how did she end up there?

These are questions I am asking after writing in my journal this morning. My therapist and I have been using a method of therapy called Internal Family Systems during my healing journey.

We all have a little family in our hearts and/or minds. This includes our inner child, maybe a teenage version of ourselves, a fearful or insecure version, an angry version of us etc. I will not go into too much detail because I am not a therapist and I don’t want to put myself or you to sleep.

With the help of my therapist, I have been connecting with these parts of myself and finding out what they need. For example, our inner child needs to know she is safe and loved if she didn’t receive this growing up. This video is very moving and perfectly shows our relationship with our inner child and how she eventually can be freed https://youtu.be/V6ui161NyTg?si=oTDTIjRLHTjwJxdz.

A pond is so much more beautiful before the sand on the bottom is stirred up, making the water foggy. In the moment, it feels so much easier to leave everything in the dark – past trauma, mistakes, sins and things that stir up shame. The problem is that leaving them in the dark keeps us in bondage. We cannot be truly free if we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Jesus said in John 8:32: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The energy it takes to haul around the baggage of our past sins, mistakes and trauma wears us down and keeps us from living life to the fullest. Jesus came so that we may have life and live it to the fullest (John 10:10).

By cleaning the dirt off of the windows so light can shine into the dark recesses of my soul, I am giving my body, mind, soul and spirit a chance to heal. Being vulnerable is never comfortable but without it we will never get out of the darkness. Jesus did not hang on the cross so we would live imprisoned by our sins, mistakes or shame. He loves us beyond measure, and wants to have a personal relationship with all of us. By letting the light into every dark corner of our lives we can experience the peace of Christ like never before.

The part of me that has been living in the dark for years upon years is afraid of the light but she is tired of being alone. She also wants to experience peace and joy. There is no lightswitch to turn on an overhead light and deal with it all at once – that isn’t realistic or healthy. Each day, another candle is lit, another window is cleaned and the chains are slowly breaking. Freedom is on the way.

Goodbye is Not the End

Eleven years ago today, my Christian went to be with the Lord. In the days and weeks leading up to today I have experienced sadness, anxiety, dread and other complicated emotions. At the same time, some amazing things have been taking place in my life.

Last weekend I was baptized and yesterday, I made a commitment to New City Church. I have joined a small bible study group and made new friends! I have witnessed leaves floating through the sky and gently rocking back and forth before they land softly on the ground, fall reflections off of the Missouri River, smiles from people I have never met, comfort from friends and the supernatural comfort of Jesus Christ.

Christian at the ocean off of the Florida coast.

Yesterday, I watched a video by Cain called The Commission https://youtu.be/APATH3ea-D0?si=wblR-jf6Lob4hjfx and it filled my heart with joy as tears rolled down my face. There are clips of The Chosen in this video and seeing the smile on Jesus’ face and everything He did for us filled my heart with joy. The lines of this song are so comforting and gives me a renewed purpose in the face of loss. “Goodbye is not the end of the journey, the end of the road. My Spirit is with you wherever you go.” “Go tell the world about me, I was dead and now I live.” This song reminds me that Christian is with Jesus and I will see him again.

Tears roll down my face after watching this video again. The smile on Jesus’ face and when he embraces those he loves just fills my heart with joy and hope that I will be in His arms one day. He was waiting for Christian with open arms and I know he is looking down from heaven and smiling as I begin my journey of surrender, service and fellowship. I love you son.

Holding Two Things at Once

A few months ago, my therapist talked to me about holding two emotions at the same time. I have used this bit of wisdom many times and really began to apply it as the season changed.

My son, Christian, was born on October 12, 1993. He went to be with the Lord on October 27, 2014. As the leaves began to turn and show their brilliance in the sunlight against the backdrop of a deeper, blue sky, I felt two emotions at once. I felt joy as I witnessed God’s amazing creation and the miracle of changing seasons while feeling an ache in my heart. Memories flashed across the canvas of my mind – our last outing with Christian at Gibson Park with the golden leaves and cooler temperatures. I see his hand dangling over the side of his chair, holding a piece of bread for a goose to nibble on. I remember him not wanting me to leave his side and not understanding why he all of a sudden didn’t want me out of his sight.

On his birthday, I vividly remember the purple, yellow and orange leaves scattered all over the front lawn as I took photos of him by his birthday sign. I remember so much of what he said and did during his last few days on this planet.

In my other hand, I hold the remembrance that Christian is with Jesus. He is whole, his body no longer contracted and muscles no longer wasting away. He can breathe fully, he can run with his friends who also passed away from Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, and he is experiencing God in a way none of us will be able to until we go home.

How can my heart ache and be so full of joy at the same time? By knowing that God never leaves us and He cares about our grief, difficulties, anxieties and pain. I feel the grief down to my bones but yet I have hope. “Why are you in despair, O my soul? Why have you become restless and disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him.” (Psalm 42:11)

With God’s strength, we can hold two things at once – sorrow and joy, despair and peace, anger and relief, anxiety and hope. We need to give ourselves some grace to feel, slow down and look around at the miracles in our daily lives, miracles that are present even when our heart aches.

The Light in the Darkness

*Hitting the Rock Bottom* is a painting by Svein Ove Hareide

My last post was in March of 2023 and I want to thank you for being here after such a long gap. On a cloudy day of the same month, my life took a sharp turn that I did not see coming. I started experiencing higher levels of anxiety like never before and I had no idea what was happening. I just thought I was really stressed. I really knew something was wrong when I had my first panic attack.

I had a general feeling of anxiousness the next day and feeling lost that would barely let up and the moments of clarity became few and far between as time went on. The panic attacks increased and so did the fear and feelings of being unsafe. I started seeing a therapist and he did not explain to me why my brain was overreacting to things that slightly bothered me before. He said it was all normal. The panic attacks increased and I became stuck in a pattern of fight or flight that lasted for almost 2 months. I became exhausted in every way and eventually, I was barely able to care for my adult disabled son.

I blamed myself for what had happened to me. I did not know that anxiety disorders stem from years of stress, childhood environments, trauma, repressed grief and so much more. I thought I was letting my family down because my husband had to take time off of work and the stress on them was not healthy.

Things continued to worsen and I eventally ended up at rock bottom. It was the most difficult, painful time of my life. It was at the bottom that I realized that God had been with me the whole time, even when I did not feel worthy of His love. Jesus was there at the bottom with His arms open wide and He saved my life.

Photo by SevenStorm JUHASZIMRUS on Pexels.com

It took some time and hard lessons for me to decide to take the medication they were highly encouraging me to try. For most of my life, I have always looked down on medication for anxiety and depression. I would think things like, why doesn’t so and so get more exercise or eat better. For some people, that’s all they need alongside a good therapist who can teach the patient how to control panic attacks and learn cognitive behavior therapy skills. On the other side of the spectrum are people like me who need medication just to function, gain back strength, and also be able to do the work to heal.

Once the medication helped to get my system out of fight or flight, I started gaining strength little by little and eventually I was able to care for my son again. I prayed throughout the day, started practicing deep breathing techniques and meditation and I continue to practice them daily. I was blessed to find an awesome therapist and prescribing Nurse Practitioner and I started making strides. I have learned that anxiety is not my enemy, but a way for my body to let me know that I need to slow down and empty out that stress bucket that was getting too full. I also started following The Anxiety Guy on You Tube. He posts videos and has two podcasts. He had several anxiety disorders for years and has since healed. He has written four books that I know of that are super helpful and his programs are affordable and have helped thousands to heal from their anxiety disorders instead of just coping. I will always have my tool box but I am learning not to let anxiety run my life. It is a long, difficult journey, but I am learning so many things that I would have never learned on a different path.

God brought several miracles into our lives during my first year of healing and continues to daily. We found an angel of a caregiver to come in and help me get Drew up in the morning and she has become a close friend. Drew received an inheritance from his great grandfather and bought a new van! It wasn’t long before we started taking short little road trips and this past July, we went to Salt Lake City! When I was at rock bottom, I would have never imagined I would be where I am today.

Like any illness or condition a person recovers from, I have good days and bad days – we all do. Each day I am learning something new. My life is so different than it was before I broke and it is so much better in many ways. I have learned to slow down, trust God for EVERYTHING, love myself and the little me that went through some tough times growing up, and forgive myself while practicing self compassion.

If you have ever seen Brené Brown on You Tube or read any of her books, you would be familiar with her famous talk on vulnerability and her talk based on a quote by Teddy Roosevelt called The Man in the Arena https://youtu.be/fE6fa7OpVu0?si=QlcIlLlBQcbpLUzv. By publishing this post, I will be experiencing vulnerability like never before but that’s okay. Like Brené Brown said in her speech on being in the arena with her face marred and covered in blood and sweat, there are seats reserved for those who love and care about her and even for those who criticize her. Unless those who are critical of her are willing to join her in the arena, where life has kicked her up and down, she is not interested in what they have to say.

When I was in the darkness, unsure of my future and what was happening to me, I knew that once I healed I wanted to help others. I want to give my testimony to offer hope and to let others know that they too can heal and God can bring us out of the deepest, darkest places because He loves us unconditionally and cares for us deeply. September is National Suicide Awareness Month and it is so important for everyone to know that they matter, they are loved, and there is help. Like 911 connects us to emergency services, 988 connects you to counselors and people who can help you if you are in a crisis or contemplating suicide. There is help – people love you and care about you. I love you and am so thankful for your time. God bless you and there will be more posts to come. I am not on a timetable but I will continue to work on future posts as I continue this healing journey.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or are experiencing a mental health crisis, you can dial the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention hotline at 988 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.

365 New Beginnings

As I look out the window at the last day of 2017, I am thankful for the beauty and perfection on display. The snow is deep and smooth and it covers everything in a graceful blanket of white. The sky is a soft blue with whispy clouds and the birds gently eat at the feeders.

Like many, I am ready to say goodbye to this year and hello to 2018. I have never been one for resolutions or crash diets, but I do look forward to a new beginning. I am ready to leave the difficulties of this year behind and carry with me the lessons learned and the things God has blessed me with into 2018. God has blessed me with His strength and mercy every single morning that I opened my eyes. His Word has given me guidance through difficulties and challenges and has given me comfort on my most painful days. He has given me a loving, supportive husband and a wonderful son. I was a bride’s maid in my niece’s wedding this past summer, and my husband and I were able to take a long overdue vacation to sunny California. God has given me His comfort when I missed my son the most – if I would wake up dreaming that Christian is still with us or if I dreamt of losing him again. I have learned the importance of balance and rest of the mind, body and soul and how loving ourselves is the foundation to everything in our lives. By loving ourselves, we become more open to receiving the love of God. God pours His love into our hearts until they overflow so we can in turn love others.

What are my intentions for the new year?

To love even more…

To thank God for each new day and for the miracles He so graciously bestows upon us…

To invest in the gifts God has given me so I can bless others with them…

To serve others more…

To do more to brighten another’s day, whether it’s a smile, holding open the door, letting a vehicle go ahead of me in traffic or sending a greeting card or letter…

To keep my thoughts centered on the good things in life while letting go of the rest…

Each day is a new beginning, a chance to enjoy God’s mercy and love while experiencing His goodness which He promises us in His Word. I wish all of you a peaceful, blessed 2018 and that all your hopes and dreams come to life while love flourishes in your hearts and daily lives.

A Year of Blessings

In the book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I am on gift number 548. I started writing down God’s gifts last fall. I have asked myself repeatedly why I haven’t reached 1000. I admit that over the last year I have had a tendency to complain instead of offering praise to the Lord for His many gifts.

I did not fully understand the meaning of bittersweet until we lost our boy. He suffered for the last year of his life and I felt relief (for him) mixed with profound heartache (for me) when he passed away. Christian spent the last year of his life tilted back in his wheelchair to relieve his chronic pain. He was able to read books on his iPhone because it was so lightweight and he played video games for limited amounts of time every day. He lost the ability to play video games the night before he passed away. He drove into the kitchen, held up his hands and said “Mom, my hands are not working.” He didn’t want to be resuscitated or to live with a breathing tube and he hated hospitals. Christian told me weeks before his passing that he wanted to die at home, in his own bed with his bird, Kiwi, in the room.

The pain we endured during the weeks and months that followed was unimaginable. How was it possible that I experienced joy when I looked at the sky as it turned red and orange at sunset? Why did everything look so much more beautiful after I lost my son? It was like a layer was peeled away from my soul and everything that looked beautiful before now brought tears to my eyes.

Being thankful makes the pain more bearable – the pain of losing a loved one, of the violence in the world, the constant stream of negativity in the media – the pain of living in a broken world. God gives us little presents each and every day and if we open our hearts and our eyes we will find them: the chitter of a chickadee, the glint of sunlight on a soapy plate, steam rising from a hot cup of tea or an unexpected call from a loved one.

I have so much to be thankful for and I am making more of an effort to focus on blessings instead of burdens. The Lord has given me strength to put one foot in front of the other on days when the loss feels fresh, He has blessed me with a loving husband and son, with an accessible home for Drew, a wonderful job, and a long awaited trip to California this past summer (thanks to my sister who came up from Wyoming to care for Drew). God continues to bless us with His love, grace and healing. He blesses me with the guidance and strength contained in His Word each and every morning. As we thank the Lord for His goodness we become lights in a dark world and we give hope to those who are suffering.