365 New Beginnings

As I look out the window at the last day of 2017, I am thankful for the beauty and perfection on display.  The snow is deep and smooth and it covers everything in a graceful blanket of white.  The sky is a soft blue with whispy clouds and the birds gently eat at the feeders.

Like many, I am ready to say goodbye to this year and hello to 2018.  I have never been one for resolutions or crash diets, but I do look forward to a new beginning.  I am ready to leave the difficulties of this year behind and carry with me the lessons learned and the things God has blessed me with into 2018.  God has blessed me with His strength and mercy every single morning that I opened my eyes.  His Word has given me guidance through difficulties and challenges and has given me comfort on my most painful days.  He has given me a loving, supportive husband and a wonderful son.  I was a bride’s maid in my niece’s wedding this past summer, and my husband and I were able to take a long overdue vacation to sunny California.  God has given me His comfort when I missed my son the most – if I would wake up dreaming that Christian is still with us or if I dreamt of losing him again.  I have learned the importance of balance and rest of the mind, body and soul and how loving ourselves is the foundation to everything in our lives.  By loving ourselves, we become more open to receiving the love of God.  God pours His love into our hearts until they overflow so we can in turn love others.

What are my intentions for the new year?

To love even more…

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To thank God for each new day and for the miracles He so graciously bestows upon us…

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To invest in the gifts God has given me so I can bless others with them…

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To serve others more…

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To do more to brighten another’s day, whether it’s a smile, holding open the door, letting a vehicle go ahead of me in traffic or sending a greeting card or letter…

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To keep my thoughts centered on the good things in life while letting go of the rest…

Each day is a new beginning, a chance to enjoy God’s mercy and love while experiencing His goodness which He promises us in His Word.  I wish all of you a peaceful, blessed 2018 and that all your hopes and dreams come to life while love flourishes in your hearts and daily lives.

 

 

A Year of Blessings

 

In the book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I am on gift number 548.  I started writing down God’s gifts last fall.  I have asked myself repeatedly why I haven’t reached 1000.  I admit that over the last year I have had a tendency to complain instead of offering praise to the Lord for His many gifts.

I did not fully understand the meaning of bittersweet until we lost our boy.  He suffered for the last year of his life and I felt relief (for him) mixed with profound heartache (for me) when he passed away.  Christian spent the last year of his life tilted back in his wheelchair to relieve his chronic pain.  He was able to read books on his iPhone because it was so lightweight and he played video games for limited amounts of time every day.  He lost the ability to play video games the night before he passed away.  He drove into the kitchen, held up his hands and said “Mom, my hands are not working.”  He didn’t want to be resuscitated or to live with a breathing tube and he hated hospitals.  Christian told me weeks before his passing that he wanted to die at home, in his own bed with his bird, Kiwi, in the room.

The pain we endured during the weeks and months that followed was unimaginable.  How was it possible that I experienced joy when I looked at the sky as it turned red and orange at sunset?  Why did everything look so much more beautiful after I lost my son?  It was like a layer was peeled away from my soul and everything that looked beautiful before now brought tears to my eyes.

Being thankful makes the pain more bearable – the pain of losing a loved one, of the violence in the world, the constant stream of negativity in the media – the pain of living in a broken world.  God gives us little presents each and every day and if we open our hearts and our eyes we will find them:  the chitter of a chickadee, the glint of sunlight on a soapy plate, steam rising from a hot cup of tea or an unexpected call from a loved one.

I have so much to be thankful for and I am making more of an effort to focus on blessings instead of burdens.  The Lord has given me strength to put one foot in front of the other on days when the loss feels fresh, He has blessed me with a loving husband and son, with an accessible home for Drew, a wonderful job, and a long awaited trip to California this past summer (thanks to my sister who came up from Wyoming to care for Drew).  God continues to bless us with His love, grace and healing.  He blesses me with the guidance and strength contained in His Word each and every morning.  As we thank the Lord for His goodness we become lights in a dark world and we give hope to those who are suffering.

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Lessons from loss

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I would like to start today’s post by sharing a bible verse with you.  “Lord, help me to realize how brief my time on earth will be.  Help me to know that I am here for but a moment more.  We are like grass that is green in the morning but mowed down and withered before the evening shadows fall.  Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; help us to spend them as we should.” (Psalms 39:4; 90:5, 12 TLB)

When we lose someone we love, we are never the same.  Not too long after losing Christian, I would look out the window every morning and watch the sky change colors as the sun came up.  I still do.  At sunset, although my heart aches as daylight fades, I do the same thing.  I stand in my kitchen in the last light of the day and close my eyes, appreciating the warmth.  I am going to share with you something that Christian said to me the night before he passed away.  It felt like a knife going into my heart hearing it, but his words have changed me.  He said “Mom, I wish my pain would stop long enough so I could really look at and appreciate things.”  He said this as I was covering up his finch, Kiwi, for the night.  I think he wanted to look at him just a little bit longer.

During the years before Christian passed away, due to burnout mostly, I went through many days like a robot.  I would notice things but not REALLY notice.  I would see with my eyes but not with my heart.  Now, it’s like seeing everything through a new set of eyes.  I see the blueness of the sky and the red tints in the clouds and my heart stirs.  I hear a line in a song or a certain tune and I feel an inner stirring in my soul that I forgot was even there.

I read somewhere that we can take beauty for ashes.  We can take the soil, which is fertile with grief and watered with tears, and plant seeds which will slowly begin to grow into a beautiful flower.  This flower represents the beginning of spending life in a way that honors our loved one.  This may mean different things to different people such as appreciating the preciousness of each day, each moment or serving others.  This can also mean finding out who we are again and taking steps to rediscover our talents.  This may mean taking up a musical instrument we may have given up on years ago, picking up a drawing pencil again or going back to the gym.  For myself, I have drawn a couple of pictures and started working with my photos.  I have also cherished my reading time even more.  Christian and I shared a passion for books and I will keep on reading for him.

All I know is that life is too precious, too brief, to spend it being grouchy every Monday or to let our loved one go out the door without telling them we love them.  I look back on my life and see far too many moments that were taken for granted and I intend on living my life to its fullest, for Christian and for everyone I love.

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My son

DSCN0086It has been well over a year since my last post.  So much has changed, especially of late.  On October 27, in the early hours of the morning, my oldest son, Christian, went to heaven.  My heart broke into a million pieces that day.

These past weeks have been a blur.  I have felt more pain and emotion than I ever thought possible, sometimes in the span of 5 minutes. I have also felt parts of my soul stir that I didn’t even know existed.  For the first few days, I couldn’t even think straight enough to pray or read scripture.  Thankfully I have been able to focus more and I have made sure to keep God’s Word close by.  I have relied on God more heavily than I have ever before and prayed more than ever.

They say that when we lose someone we love, we are never the same.  We have to adjust to a new normal.  I can honestly say I am not the same. I am broken, tired, confused, angry and lost.  On the other hand, I have felt love grow in my heart – love for Christian, God, my husband and my younger son, Andrew.  You see, Christian was more than a son.  He was my best friend (wow, I just cried for the first time in public).  He was also my rock, my inspiration.  He left me everything that was good about him – good and perfect.  He left me his courage, love, more love, his beautiful smile, his humor and his love of music.  I can hardly listen to a song without thinking of him.

The past year has been difficult but I am thankful for all of it – the constant caregiving, sore legs and feet from standing all day, the fear, aggravation.  It all made me a better person and taught me to enjoy the little, often overlooked things in life – a sparrow on the feeder, the full moon, a funny shaped cloud in the sky or sunlight on the wall.  Christian made me realize that I do not need material possessions to be happy and satisfied.  In Christian’s last year of his life, he only spent less than $100 on himself.  He enjoyed buying gifts for others and watching their expressions when they opened them.  Christian was in a lot of pain the last year and a half of his life and wasn’t able to go out of the house much.  As a result, he read books on his iPhone, played video games (Metroid and racing games were his favorites), listened to some good music and watched movies.  Tom Cruise was his favorite actor and he watched Live, Die, Repeat the weekend before he passed.  His love of NASCAR inspired me to love it too.  I so wanted his favorite driver, Jeff Gordon, to win the Chase but instead I bawled as he duked it out with my driver, Brad Keslowski.  What a mess.

I know that eventually, I will cross the stormy sea of grief and I will surely lean into the storm so I can keep moving ahead.  God will be with me every step of the way.  As I heal, I will be inspired by Christian.  He will always be with me until I see him again.  He is inspiring me to keep listening to music, especially vinyl, start drawing and painting and play the piano again.  He inspires me to continue taking care of myself and my husband and son.  He inspires me to help others and bless others, just as he did every single day of his life.  Not a person came away from Christian without being moved my his love, grace and smile.  I will love him for all time.  I will be posting on my blog more and I hope I will inspire you and move you.  I love you and thank you for reading and I hope a part of Christian will also be with you.