A Journey in Vinyl

I grew up in the age of vinyl.  My parents had 8 tracks and a player but I went straight for the vinyl.  I had my own little record player in my room.  I enjoyed listening to my Disney collection, Sesame Street Christmas, and 20 Power Hits albums.  My favorite songs off of the 20 Power Hits were Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Green Eyed Lady by Sugarloaf.  On my parent’s player downstairs, I listened to Creedence Clearwater Revival, Elton John and Wayne Newton.  I developed a crush on Wayne, as I listened to him and stared at his album cover.  This was before Bon Jovi came into the picture.

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I remember the first cassette I bought – Look What the Cat Dragged In by Poison.  I was fascinated because the cassette was clear.  My all time favorite cassette was Def Leppard’s Hysteria.  That was the first album I ever bought the day it came out.  I also bought it on vinyl and I still own it.  By the time CD’s entered the picture, I didn’t own a record player and honestly didn’t think much about vinyl.  They were never in the stores and the only time I ever saw them was at my parent’s house.  The first time my boys saw my parent’s records, they came upstairs exclaiming “Look Mom!  Giant CD’s!”

A few years ago, my husband bought me a Music Hall record player for Christmas.  He also surprised me with a few new vinyls to start out with.  I was ecstatic!

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A few weeks ago, a friend of my husband revealed that he had a large collection of vinyl and he wouldn’t mind lending me a few at a time to listen to.  He had worked in a record store when he was young and since vinyl could be bought for less than $5 during that time, he ended up with quite a collection.  These past few weeks have been a musical journey through time.

I will never forget listening to David Bowie’s Young Americans.  David Bowie’s voice filled every room in my house.  Among the albums I have been blessed to hear so far are The Fox by Elton John, Dire Straits, Face Value by Phil Collins, Flat as a Pancake by Head East, Loggins and Messina, Dr. Hook, Foghat, Foreigner, and my favorite so far – Donald Fagen’s The Nightfly.  He told me Donald Fagen was a huge part of Steely Dan but I didn’t recognize any of the songs.  As soon as the needle dropped, I was almost out of my seat as I.G.Y. started playing.  If you are scatching your head and wondering what song that is, I almost bet if you start playing it on You Tube or Spotify you’ll say “I have heard that song!”  I loved that album so much that I bought a used copy of it from Amazon.

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Nothing compares to the sound of vinyl.  There is a rawness and a richness that I don’t hear when I play songs from my iTunes library.  Sadly, new vinyl is expensive – some albums costing over $30, however it is more worth the cost when they come with a free digital download.

Even if vinyl is not available, it is well worth it to join other people on their musical journeys as they grew up.  You may be surprised to hear a song you loved growing up!

The Resilience of the Spider

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Like a lot of people, I am afraid of spiders.  A tiny spider skittered across my desk only to be crushed by my workpapers as soon as I noticed him out of the corner of my eye.  Every morning when I get into my work car a beautiful, complex spider web stretches from the driver’s side mirror to the door.  Using my key, I slice it right through the middle out of fear of the fella being blown into the vehicle by the wind and landing in my hair.  Despite my efforts to destroy the spider web every morning, I return to find another web built in the same place.

My son knew what he would face each and every day over the last year and a half of his life – routine and pain.  He knew he would have to deal with pain most of the day but he still didn’t complain or become angry.  I rarely remember Christian feeling sorry for himself.  He continued to read until his arm became too tired to hold up his iPhone and he made the best choices he could for his health until the end.  

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Imagine going through all of the effort to create something so complex and beautiful, only to have it destroyed 24 hours later.  Once I really started to think about what this spider was doing, I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen in my own life if I had the same resilience and determination as this little eight legged critter.  Most of the world’s greatest inventions were created out of failures – the telephone, the boardgame Monopoly and cures to diseases.  What about people who have to endure several rounds of chemotherapy, knowing after each one what they have to face and that it can make them feel worse each time?

What are your dreams and goals?  Are there ways you can prepare for these dreams by doing a little each day?  I hope to write a book one day that will hopefully inspire people, especially those living with the daily challenges and heartbreak of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.  Sharing my thoughts and my heart with readers on my blog is one way I am preparing for my dream.  I have wanted to give up more than once – doubt, fear, a tight schedule, or when I just can’t seem to get my sentences straight.   Two things keep me going – hope and love.  I have hope because I know that God helps us become all we can be in life, especially when we can help other people.  I also know that anything that is done with love in our hearts will ultimately succeed, no matter how many attempts it takes.  Love is all that matters and is contained in all things, even the spiders.

*note – I had a little trouble with the caption above but am posting regardless.  I apologize if it looks odd.  We keep on keeping on right?  xoxo

My Camino

A few months ago, my husband asked me to watch a movie with him called The Way starring Martin Sheen and directed by his son, Emilio Estevez.  In the wake of the loss of his son, Thomas Avery decides to walk the Camino de Santiago, a 776 km pilgrimage across Spain also known as The Way of St. James.  The images in the movie were stunning and breathtaking.  After having lost my oldest son in 2014, I really connected to the movie.  Each person takes a stone with them that symbolizes their burdens.  Along their pilgrimage they are able to lay the stones in an area to symbolize leaving their burdens behind.

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The burdens people release have much to do with their reasons for walking the Camino.  It may be the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job or overcoming a physical challenge.
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The images online and in the movie are numerous.  I encourage you to follow a Camino page on Instagram or search online.  I experience peace from many of the images.

The journey ends for most at the Praza Obradoiro Cathedral.  The images of the Cathedral brought tears to our eyes.

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One of the most memorable parts of the movie was seeing the massive incense burners swaying to and fro across the Cathedral. 

The journey takes at least a month and many walk all the way to the ocean.  Some start further into France before reaching Spain.  There are numerous documentaries and one we enjoyed is called Walking the Camino.  This movie affirmed my decision to add this pilgrimage to my bucket list.

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It may be years until I am physically able to complete this journey let alone getting the time off of work, but I decided to start my journey now.  I am not able to actually fly to the beginning of the Camino at St. Jean Pied De Port, but I can walk daily to overcome the physical discomforts of muscular dystrophy, lessen the depression and anxiety of daily life and loss, and strengthen my mind and body for something great which I hope to achieve.  Here are pictures of my Camino:

I walk to the courthouse at least twice a day and always encounter beauty, whether it’s a sparrow in the grass or patterns on the sidewalk.  The flower garden in Gibson Park is full of color.  The River’s Edge Trail by Rainbow Dam is so peaceful and is also my favorite place to walk.

 

My sister and I walked the M trail behind the University of Missoula (go Griz!) and she inspired and encouraged me to keep walking and improving.  Thanks Sis!  I will always be thankful that my husband introduced me to the Camino de Santiago and we both hope to make the journey together one day.  Check out the movie on Netflix and see if you can walk away without being inspired.  Much hugs and love to you all!

The rose or the thorns?

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We celebrated Drew’s 21st birthday at the Allegra in the Wynn.  Chris Myers was eating dinner there and he wished Drew a happy birthday!

Yesterday, Drew had his 6 month checkup with the heart and lung doctors.  Drew has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, a life-threatening form of MD that attacks muscles all over the body, including vital muscles like the heart and muscles that help us breathe.  When we took Drew to see the doctors about 7 months ago, his numbers went down, so naturally we were nervous and afraid.  To our surprise, the doctor came in the room, smiled, and asked me what I am giving Drew because his heart strength went up significantly.  It was a blessing and a relief.

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When the boys were young, they participated in Eaglemount, therapeutic recreation for disabled kids & adults.  Christian wasn’t afraid of the horses.

Not too long after receiving the good news, I kept wanting to ask about Christian.  Why did he have to suffer so much?  Why was his heart so much weaker?  WHAT DID I DO WRONG?  WEREN’T YOU PAYING ATTENTION?   Most of the time, as I have been reluctant to accept, we will never fully understand or even know exactly what happened until we see our loved ones again in heaven.  I believe we will experience so much peace and joy in God’s presence that it will not matter.  Even when things go well and life gives me roses, I still want to hold onto the thorns.  What will happen if I stop being so sad?  Will I forget his voice, his smile or his strong spirit?

Part of healing is being thankful for each day and living each day as I know Christian would want me to live.  I have had my pity parties and it’s normal when we are grieving, but after a while they actually do more harm than good.  Complaining and being negative keep us from being all God created us to be and all Christian would want me to be.  There were so many things Christian was not able to do and he accepted it most of the time.  So many things that are mundane or even grievous to the rest of us were all Christian ever wanted.  He wanted to work, run track and do the same classwork as the rest of the students.  He wrote letters until he could not tolerate sitting up at his computer anymore.  He tried reading the bible from front to back until his pain started and he had to spend most of the day tilted back in his chair.  He did everything he could until his last breath that chilly October morning, which feels like it was yesterday and like it was ages ago at the same time.

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I will focus on the roses in life and not hold onto the thorns.  I will honor my son’s life by thanking God for the new day when my alarm goes off.  I will be thankful that I can work and that I have my health.  I will be thankful for clouds as well as sunshine, Mondays as well as Fridays, unpleasant people and sweet people, sour and sweet.  I will live.

 

 

The Silver Lining

Too many people miss the silver living because they’re expecting gold.  -Maurice Setter

When I got married, my husband and I had it all planned out – we would have careers, at least three kids, and we would be the best parents we could be (supportive, encouraging, and active in our children’s lives).  The career part worked out eventually.  We were young,  moved a lot, and anyone who has been in the military knows how difficult it can be to adjust to civilian life.  We had two sons and always did everything we could to keep the boys active, healthy and happy.

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We took a trip to Fairmont Hot Springs in 2003

When the boys were diagnosed in 2001 with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, our dreams started to shatter.  Our boys never learned to ride a bicycle with two wheels, they were never able to learn how to drive, or able to participate in team sports.  I worked at a title company for a few years before I had to leave to care for the boys due to the progression of their disease.  I watched them lose the ability to walk, stand, raise their arms above their heads and I had to feed my oldest son during the last two years of his life.  We had to constantly adjust to our new “normal” as the boys needed more and more help with the things most of us take for granted.

Towards the end of Christian’s life, I had more and more difficulty finding the silver lining.  It was easier when the boys were younger – so easy to say it would never happen to us.  “A cure will arrive in time.”  “The disease will stop.”  “If I take the best care of the boys that I can, even at the cost of my own health, I can make this monster go away.”

I became miserable because I was focused on the gold that we never found.  I can look back now and see that Christian looked for that silver lining up until the last night of his life.  He asked me that night if we could take a day trip to Lewistown.  He still had hope.

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Christian’s smile will always be a gift to all of us

After losing Christian and continuing to watch Andrew deal with some of the same issues and complications Christian dealt with, you would think that the silver lining would be gone for good.  How can I see anything good come out of losing my son?  What kind of person would that make me?  There isn’t a single cell in my body that could possibly be glad my son passed away.

As hard as it is for me to admit, there is still a silver lining.  There will never be gold, but I’m okay with that.  What is the silver lining?  It is contained in the little things – the things that Christian taught me to appreciate.  Things like music, a bird on the feeder, sunshine on my face, a chance to make someone smile or laugh, the quiet moments during the day, a cup of hot coffee, being able to spend time with an old friend, or watching a good movie with my family.  I can be thankful that Christian is no longer suffering and that he didn’t have to pass away at the hospital, that he will never have to worry about another doctor appointment again, or see fear in my face as I watched him fade, that he is with the Lord, that he is at peace, and that he will only know love.

It is far too easy to focus on what we don’t have instead of what is under our very noses.  The all or nothing approach to life only leads to disappointment.  What if we were to do our very best with what we have?  Why not focus on what a person did right today instead of on what they did wrong last week?  If we expect our lives to be perfect, we will miss the miracles – the miracles that surround us each and every day.

Jump!

A few days ago, my husband had me watch a video clip of a motivational speech by Steve Harvey of the Family Feud.  Steve Harvey video   He starts by saying that every successful person has one thing in common.  They have all jumped.  They took a leap of faith.  They realized what their God given gifts were and they jumped in head first.

I truly believe that when each of us enters this world, God blesses us with certain gifts and talents.  Some of us may have one, others may have 5 or 10.  Once we identify our gifts, we need to jump.  Steve Harvey said that the only way we can soar is to jump and pull the cord.  Once we do, we have to be determined to keep going through the doubt, rejection and pain.  Eventually we will come out on the winning side.

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Think about the inventors of the past and how far they had to jump to create the light bulb, the automobile, plastic, or Apple Computers.  One of the best biographies I have ever read is on Steve Jobs.  Where would we be right now if Bill Gates and Steve Jobs didn’t jump?  I wouldn’t be able to share my heart with you on my MacBook or even find a way to deliver it.  In reality, most of us are not as brilliant as Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking, but we can make a bigger impact than we think.  It wasn’t smooth sailing even for the geniuses of our time.  They jumped, overcame and soared.

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We are all more capable of making a positive impact than we realize.  My son, Christian, wanted to make a difference.  He wrote a good part of a spy novel but stopped when his disease started to accelerate.  He wasn’t able to join the football team or play basketball but he did play his clarinet until he didn’t have the strength to sit up and cope with the pain.  He spent the last 18 months of his life tilted back in his chair but he still hardly ever complained.  His courage and grace impacted everyone he came into contact with.

What about the rest of us?  What are we capable of?  I have come to realize that I have a knack for photography and writing.  My sister overcame great obstacles to earn her G.E.D., becoming a volunteer fire fighter and EMT and is now in the best shape of her life.  How many lives would have been lost if she never jumped?  I encourage you to watch this video and to believe that God fulfills all of his promises.  He wants us to soar.  At some point, we have to ask ourselves if we are living or simply existing.

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Despite the physical limitations of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, the boys earned their GED’s in 2012.
I can hardly think of a time when God did not get me through difficult times.  After we lost Christian, I felt like I was falling, skinning my knees and having my heart ripped out every single day.  It’s still not easy, I still have moments when the reality of his death practically knocks me down, but God has helped me up from day one.  Steve says that our parachute does not open right away.  It most certainly did not for me until recently and it didn’t for my sister either.  I am pretty sure that most olympic athletes skinned their knees many times.

I encourage you to jump.  Stay with it until you soar.  Believe in yourself because God does and I believe in you too.  Do it.  Jump!

 

Just keep swimming!

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I am having one of those days when my body does not want to cooperate with my mind.  Sometimes, despite my best efforts in my diet, I still experience inflammation.  Unfortunately, this does not mean that I can stop moving.  On days like today, I need to motivate myself and Dory from Finding Nemo is always there for me.  Remember when Dory and Marlin were descending into that deep pit in the ocean?  She started to sing “just keep swimming, just keep swimming”.  I used to keep a little plastic toy of Dory close by so I could be reminded to just keep swimming!  I also often have to remind myself that it is all right if I am slow because at least I am moving forward.

Maybe more of us need to be like Dory.  She was curious, joyful and full of life.  I find myself to be like Marlin, fearful of trying new things, a little uptight and sometimes needing someone like her to hold my hand as I swim down into the unknown.

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If I need a good laugh, I can listen to her try to communicate with whales.

thI think that many of us can identify with at least one character in a Pixar movie or any movie and sometimes that can motivate us to keep on trudging towards victory no matter how we may feel!  Is there a cartoon/Pixar/movie character that you can identify with?