love – The road less traveled

Cheated or Chosen?

Last week I spent a few rare moments scrolling through social media. I was looking for inspiration and ended up seeing people on the beach, at work or outside enjoying nature. Over the years, I have spent less time on social media because I walk away from my phone feeling irritation or sadness.

Last week, I watched a You Tube video by Priscilla Shirer called Let God Restore Your Circumstances https://youtu.be/HHRllMZKmlc?si=KFQ7UlET40QDqI8h. In the video, she talked about a woman who was successful in her job but was led by the Holy Spirit to leave. It was a frustrating, scary time for her and she ended up babysitting for several families. She not only watched over the children, but she shared bible stories with them, brought over casseroles for the families, and formed close bonds with the children and families. After a time, she asked God why she left a successful job to babysit. She was understandably frustrated and confused about her purpose. God answered her prayers by showing her the smiles on the children’s faces when she rang the doorbell and the importance of the moms and dads spending time away – she knew that her purpose was so much deeper than babysitting.

Illustration of a path through spring, summer, autumn, and winter landscapes

I left my job at a Title Insurance Company to take care of my boys. As they were growing older they started having difficulty having their needs met by daycare. They were needing more help getting ready in the mornings which made it increasingly difficult for me to get it all done by 8:00 a.m. Things were a little tight financially but the stress level in our home dropped dramatically.

I stayed home with the boys for over ten years. It was a blessing for us: I was able to meet the boys’ increased needs without hiring any help and I was able to be there 100 percent for all of their surgeries, doctor appointments, and trips out of town for MDA events or visiting family. My husband worked long hours so it was a huge blessing to be able to stay home and take care of the housework and the boys so he could rest. He was diagnosed in 2005 with a genetic heart condition and I wanted to take the load off of him as much as I could.

The boys always enjoyed the River’s Edge Trail

It wasn’t until a few years after my oldest son, Christian, passed away that I began to feel like a prisoner in my own home. All around me my family and friends were traveling to fun destinations and sending me photos or posting them on social media. I have always been genuinely happy for them, but I also began to question my purpose and grew tired of feeling like I was standing still while life continued to move forward for everyone else.

So many of my classmates are grandparents now. I made peace knowing that I would most likely not be a grandmother but I still feel left out when I see people my age spending time with cute wee ones.

Over the years, I have learned to appreciate the small miracles in my daily life. As a result, it doesn’t take much to amuse me. When I went on a walk with my precious friend, she was amazed at how much I noticed as we walked along the river – various birds that I could identify by sight or sound, tiny streams of water bubbling out of the rock or a beautiful wildflower in the middle of a patch of weeds. I am truly thankful for this gift from God. Have I really been cheated?

I have always found great joy taking photos in the flower garden at Gibson Park.

When I went to the funeral home to see my son the day before the service, I sat in the room alone with him and I talked to him. I realized how much of a blessing it was to be able to take care of one of God’s special children. We are all His special children but there is something miraculous in His children who smile and inspire others despite their declining health. I thanked Christian for the honor of being his mother for 21 years. I realized that I was chosen to be a mother of 2 beautiful boys.

Through my experiences in raising 2 sons with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and the experiences I continue to have with my youngest son, Andrew, I want to write a book about their condition that can guide other parents through this difficult journey. I want to take the mistakes I made and the things I have learned to help other families living with this disease as well as any other challenge their children may be facing.

I don’t have to travel the world to know that God has a plan and purpose for my life. All I need to do is look into my son’s eyes and hear the love in his voice when he calls me “Best Mom”. Will the book I want to write take 5 years? 10? What else has God chosen me for? As I walk with Him each day in trust, surrender, prayer, and by reading His Word, He will show me each day what I need to do to remember that I have been chosen.

A New Journey

As I looked at the deep blue sky this morning, I was filled with awe. In the foreground, starlings started to line up on the power line. As I saw them I started to feel sadness. Every year, around Christian’s birthday, starlings gather and they fly around our house in huge masses.

Thousands of birds flock above colorful autumn trees and a park path — Thousands of birds swirl above vivid autumn trees under a dramatic cloudy sky.

I marvel at our ability as humans to feel so much at the same time. This is a blessing and something that I also wish I could turn off like a switch. Why do we have to experience the difficult emotions – grief, loneliness, anguish, fear, anxiety and so on? For years, I avoided feeling sadness and grief as I watched my sons’ health and independence deteriorate. Fear or some other unpleasant feeling would creep in and I would push it aside by keeping busy or looking at my phone.

There is a reason why God gave us the ability to feel. In order to be truly alive, we need to feel. Our emotions are a compass to guide us to what needs attention in our lives. I ignored this internal compass for decades until it began affecting my health – tense muscles, spasms, digestive problems, weakened immunity to name a few. Chronic stress accumulates in our bodies, spirts, and minds creating disruption to our well being.

As I was approaching rock bottom in 2023, my sister reminded me that our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit. “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) We honor God with our bodies by loving others and by loving ourselves enough to honor our emotions. We honor God by serving others out of our overflowing cup. God does not desire for us to be burned out and unfulfilled.

We were bought at a price – the blood of Jesus Christ. God loves us that much!!! Jesus wants us to live a full, abundant life. (John 10:10) By carrying around trauma, grief, and stuck emotions, I have been walking around in life with a backpack full of boulders. My body could only go on that way for so long.

This past spring, I enrolled in the Thriven Functional Medicine Program. I knew I needed help and guidance on the road to wellness. I always considered myself ahead of the curve with my health. I ate as clean as possible for over a decade and learned as much as I could about nutrition while ignoring my fading spirit and the emotions that were accumulating inside of me. I found out that my muscle mass is far lower than normal women my age, my immune system is weakened from chronic stress, and I have adrenal fatigue from…drumroll…chronic stress.

In order to begin on the road to wellness, I had to begin changing habits that have been a part of me for decades. For years, I did the same thing hoping that things would change. I have learned to admit that things in our lives do not change if we remain the same – functioning on too little sleep, people pleasing at the expense of my getting any rest, not getting regular exercise or sunlight, and being isolated. It was when I started making changes that I stopped falling asleep at the table during meals and I started losing weight.

Although Thriven is a seven month program, it’s only the beginning of a journey of healing in my mind, body, soul and spirit. At the root of illness for many of us are things like negative childhood experiences, trauma, loss, and abuse. By not facing these difficult situations, they fester in us like an infected wound. I have been learning what it means to look at my reflection in the mirror and respect the woman looking back, what self-care is and how we cannot give from an empty cup, that what we say and think about ourselves matters, and how important having non-negotiables in life is.

This month will be 12 years since Christian went to be with Jesus. The grieving I went through was only the tip of the iceberg. So much is buried beneath the surface of my made-up face and smile. Over the course of the next year or more, I will be facing the emotions I have buried for far too long and the back pack will slowly become lighter as the rocks will be taken out bit by bit.

This past weekend, Pastor Nate talked about their being “No Useless Tools” in the church family. He talked about the gifts and talents that God gives us and how we are to use them to serve and help others. Just because we are not gifted to play a guitar or sing doesn’t mean we have less meaning. I know a couple of the gifts that God has gifted me with and I look forward to blessing others with them. In order to do so I need to heal and know the truth – that we are worthy and loved more than we can think or imagine!

I am excited to share my journey with you. I posted regularly in this blog until about a year or so after Christian passed away. As I write this post today, I feel happy knowing that I am investing in one of the gifts God has given me. I look forward to what He has to show me. I will be stepping outside of my comfort zone but Jesus will be by my side every step of the way.

As the Leaves Fall

Dried up leaves litter the ground

Yellow, orange, and brown.

Sadness engulfs my heart.

The tree above stands strong and tall.

The leaves left on the branches resemble a stained glass window,

As the sun kisses them from above.

A memory comes to light, a dove

Held in my son’s lap

As we say goodbye to my sweet boy.

I watch the dove fly back home,

Going home like it says on the top

Of the casket decorated in blue

With seagulls flying away.

Oh how I wanted to stay

But, alas, leaving knowing there will be a day

When I hold you in my arms again.

Unimaginable Love

In my therapy session yesterday, we talked about self-worth. My therapist said that when a baby is born, he or she has self-worth. We are all born with it. When the baby poops, she is not concerned about the smell and the mess. When he is hungry at 3 a.m., he is not concerned about waking up his parents.

As we all know, we go through our childhood and adulthood experiencing things that question and undermine our worth. For some of us, it can be traumatic – abuse, alcoholism in the home or neglect. For others it can be bullying at school or an adult figure who says something hurtful. Most of us are unaware of the strongholds and bondage that starts to form in our hearts and minds as we face situations over and over that undermine our feelings of worthiness.

For myself, there was not any love or validation in the home as I grew up. I do not harbor feelings of resentment towards my parents or grandparents because they were not able to give out what they did not have. They did the best they could with what they had at the time. I love them and am thankful that they made sure I had clothes, plenty to eat and for the things we did together as a family – camping, fishing, watching movies etc.

In school, being dark-skinned and looking a little different than the other kids, I was made fun of into my high school years. Kids made slanted eyes at me and chanted hurtful songs, excluded me, and were mean to me. In high school, my coach made a comment about me being a joke. This only made me work harder and become more successful in the sports I was involved in. I developed a rebellious streak and drank alcohol, violated curfew, and destroyed property, to name a few of the things I did to relieve the anxiety I was feeling.

I carried this into my adulthood and it manifested into a deep sense of insecurity. I cared way too much about what people thought and I became a professional people pleaser. I went to bars and partied to be accepted and I worked entirely too hard at home and at work. My worth became tied to receiving approval from others and in tangible accomplishments.

I recently joined New City Church and as I have surrendered my life to Jesus, doors have been opening left and right. I now enjoy fellowship with other women and am making friends. I am part of a church body full of the most loving, genuine people I have ever met along with leaders who truly care about the congregation! I am humbled to the point of tears for these blessings being poured out.

Even with all of these blessings, in church of all places, the enemy has been lying to me. He has been telling me I don’t belong and there is something wrong with me. He told me that if they knew the things I have done and the thoughts that go through my head they would reject me. The enemy is very patient (I learned from Joyce Meyer) and he starts to plant seeds in us at a very young age. These seeds eventually become chains of bondage, also known as strongholds.

In a conversation with my best friend yesterday, she pointed out to me that my low feelings of worthiness have become a stronghold in my life. When we have these areas of bondage in our lives, it gives the devil access to our soul. It’s only when we break free and learn the truth that we can kick him out and send him packing.

I started studying scriptures on our God-given worth. I read Isaiah 43:4. This scripture went deep into my core and I broke down in tears: “Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for you life.” Something came loose in my soul and my heart opened to God’s love like never before. A song by Cory Asbury called Reckless Love https://youtu.be/Sc6SSHuZvQE?si=3Onwe7b5XnqFeBF5 came to my mind and I was truly humbled.

From Genesis to Revelation, God’s love is written all over His Word. By sending His Son to die on the cross so we can have relationship with Him is the ultimate expression of God’s Love:

John 3:16 NIV
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

When we open our hearts to His love and accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, our life will be transformed. His love heals us, brings joy and miracles into our lives and opens doors we never imagined would open. We see our worth in Him and not in what man says about us. We become who God created us to be and begin living out a love walk that becomes an example to others and gives them hope. Revealing God’s love to others becomes our mission and discipleship. Chains are broken and we become free!