I would like to start today’s post by sharing a bible verse with you. “Lord, help me to realize how brief my time on earth will be. Help me to know that I am here for but a moment more. We are like grass that is green in the morning but mowed down and withered before the evening shadows fall. Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; help us to spend them as we should.” (Psalms 39:4; 90:5, 12 TLB)
When we lose someone we love, we are never the same. Not too long after losing Christian, I would look out the window every morning and watch the sky change colors as the sun came up. I still do. At sunset, although my heart aches as daylight fades, I do the same thing. I stand in my kitchen in the last light of the day and close my eyes, appreciating the warmth. I am going to share with you something that Christian said to me the night before he passed away. It felt like a knife going into my heart hearing it, but his words have changed me. He said “Mom, I wish my pain would stop long enough so I could really look at and appreciate things.” He said this as I was covering up his finch, Kiwi, for the night. I think he wanted to look at him just a little bit longer.
During the years before Christian passed away, due to burnout mostly, I went through many days like a robot. I would notice things but not REALLY notice. I would see with my eyes but not with my heart. Now, it’s like seeing everything through a new set of eyes. I see the blueness of the sky and the red tints in the clouds and my heart stirs. I hear a line in a song or a certain tune and I feel an inner stirring in my soul that I forgot was even there.
I read somewhere that we can take beauty for ashes. We can take the soil, which is fertile with grief and watered with tears, and plant seeds which will slowly begin to grow into a beautiful flower. This flower represents the beginning of spending life in a way that honors our loved one. This may mean different things to different people such as appreciating the preciousness of each day, each moment or serving others. This can also mean finding out who we are again and taking steps to rediscover our talents. This may mean taking up a musical instrument we may have given up on years ago, picking up a drawing pencil again or going back to the gym. For myself, I have drawn a couple of pictures and started working with my photos. I have also cherished my reading time even more. Christian and I shared a passion for books and I will keep on reading for him.
All I know is that life is too precious, too brief, to spend it being grouchy every Monday or to let our loved one go out the door without telling them we love them. I look back on my life and see far too many moments that were taken for granted and I intend on living my life to its fullest, for Christian and for everyone I love.