birds – The road less traveled

Cheated or Chosen?

Last week I spent a few rare moments scrolling through social media. I was looking for inspiration and ended up seeing people on the beach, at work or outside enjoying nature. Over the years, I have spent less time on social media because I walk away from my phone feeling irritation or sadness.

Last week, I watched a You Tube video by Priscilla Shirer called Let God Restore Your Circumstances https://youtu.be/HHRllMZKmlc?si=KFQ7UlET40QDqI8h. In the video, she talked about a woman who was successful in her job but was led by the Holy Spirit to leave. It was a frustrating, scary time for her and she ended up babysitting for several families. She not only watched over the children, but she shared bible stories with them, brought over casseroles for the families, and formed close bonds with the children and families. After a time, she asked God why she left a successful job to babysit. She was understandably frustrated and confused about her purpose. God answered her prayers by showing her the smiles on the children’s faces when she rang the doorbell and the importance of the moms and dads spending time away – she knew that her purpose was so much deeper than babysitting.

Illustration of a path through spring, summer, autumn, and winter landscapes

I left my job at a Title Insurance Company to take care of my boys. As they were growing older they started having difficulty having their needs met by daycare. They were needing more help getting ready in the mornings which made it increasingly difficult for me to get it all done by 8:00 a.m. Things were a little tight financially but the stress level in our home dropped dramatically.

I stayed home with the boys for over ten years. It was a blessing for us: I was able to meet the boys’ increased needs without hiring any help and I was able to be there 100 percent for all of their surgeries, doctor appointments, and trips out of town for MDA events or visiting family. My husband worked long hours so it was a huge blessing to be able to stay home and take care of the housework and the boys so he could rest. He was diagnosed in 2005 with a genetic heart condition and I wanted to take the load off of him as much as I could.

The boys always enjoyed the River’s Edge Trail

It wasn’t until a few years after my oldest son, Christian, passed away that I began to feel like a prisoner in my own home. All around me my family and friends were traveling to fun destinations and sending me photos or posting them on social media. I have always been genuinely happy for them, but I also began to question my purpose and grew tired of feeling like I was standing still while life continued to move forward for everyone else.

So many of my classmates are grandparents now. I made peace knowing that I would most likely not be a grandmother but I still feel left out when I see people my age spending time with cute wee ones.

Over the years, I have learned to appreciate the small miracles in my daily life. As a result, it doesn’t take much to amuse me. When I went on a walk with my precious friend, she was amazed at how much I noticed as we walked along the river – various birds that I could identify by sight or sound, tiny streams of water bubbling out of the rock or a beautiful wildflower in the middle of a patch of weeds. I am truly thankful for this gift from God. Have I really been cheated?

I have always found great joy taking photos in the flower garden at Gibson Park.

When I went to the funeral home to see my son the day before the service, I sat in the room alone with him and I talked to him. I realized how much of a blessing it was to be able to take care of one of God’s special children. We are all His special children but there is something miraculous in His children who smile and inspire others despite their declining health. I thanked Christian for the honor of being his mother for 21 years. I realized that I was chosen to be a mother of 2 beautiful boys.

Through my experiences in raising 2 sons with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and the experiences I continue to have with my youngest son, Andrew, I want to write a book about their condition that can guide other parents through this difficult journey. I want to take the mistakes I made and the things I have learned to help other families living with this disease as well as any other challenge their children may be facing.

I don’t have to travel the world to know that God has a plan and purpose for my life. All I need to do is look into my son’s eyes and hear the love in his voice when he calls me “Best Mom”. Will the book I want to write take 5 years? 10? What else has God chosen me for? As I walk with Him each day in trust, surrender, prayer, and by reading His Word, He will show me each day what I need to do to remember that I have been chosen.

A New Journey

As I looked at the deep blue sky this morning, I was filled with awe. In the foreground, starlings started to line up on the power line. As I saw them I started to feel sadness. Every year, around Christian’s birthday, starlings gather and they fly around our house in huge masses.

Thousands of birds flock above colorful autumn trees and a park path — Thousands of birds swirl above vivid autumn trees under a dramatic cloudy sky.

I marvel at our ability as humans to feel so much at the same time. This is a blessing and something that I also wish I could turn off like a switch. Why do we have to experience the difficult emotions – grief, loneliness, anguish, fear, anxiety and so on? For years, I avoided feeling sadness and grief as I watched my sons’ health and independence deteriorate. Fear or some other unpleasant feeling would creep in and I would push it aside by keeping busy or looking at my phone.

There is a reason why God gave us the ability to feel. In order to be truly alive, we need to feel. Our emotions are a compass to guide us to what needs attention in our lives. I ignored this internal compass for decades until it began affecting my health – tense muscles, spasms, digestive problems, weakened immunity to name a few. Chronic stress accumulates in our bodies, spirts, and minds creating disruption to our well being.

As I was approaching rock bottom in 2023, my sister reminded me that our bodies are a temple of the Holy Spirit. “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) We honor God with our bodies by loving others and by loving ourselves enough to honor our emotions. We honor God by serving others out of our overflowing cup. God does not desire for us to be burned out and unfulfilled.

We were bought at a price – the blood of Jesus Christ. God loves us that much!!! Jesus wants us to live a full, abundant life. (John 10:10) By carrying around trauma, grief, and stuck emotions, I have been walking around in life with a backpack full of boulders. My body could only go on that way for so long.

This past spring, I enrolled in the Thriven Functional Medicine Program. I knew I needed help and guidance on the road to wellness. I always considered myself ahead of the curve with my health. I ate as clean as possible for over a decade and learned as much as I could about nutrition while ignoring my fading spirit and the emotions that were accumulating inside of me. I found out that my muscle mass is far lower than normal women my age, my immune system is weakened from chronic stress, and I have adrenal fatigue from…drumroll…chronic stress.

In order to begin on the road to wellness, I had to begin changing habits that have been a part of me for decades. For years, I did the same thing hoping that things would change. I have learned to admit that things in our lives do not change if we remain the same – functioning on too little sleep, people pleasing at the expense of my getting any rest, not getting regular exercise or sunlight, and being isolated. It was when I started making changes that I stopped falling asleep at the table during meals and I started losing weight.

Although Thriven is a seven month program, it’s only the beginning of a journey of healing in my mind, body, soul and spirit. At the root of illness for many of us are things like negative childhood experiences, trauma, loss, and abuse. By not facing these difficult situations, they fester in us like an infected wound. I have been learning what it means to look at my reflection in the mirror and respect the woman looking back, what self-care is and how we cannot give from an empty cup, that what we say and think about ourselves matters, and how important having non-negotiables in life is.

This month will be 12 years since Christian went to be with Jesus. The grieving I went through was only the tip of the iceberg. So much is buried beneath the surface of my made-up face and smile. Over the course of the next year or more, I will be facing the emotions I have buried for far too long and the back pack will slowly become lighter as the rocks will be taken out bit by bit.

This past weekend, Pastor Nate talked about their being “No Useless Tools” in the church family. He talked about the gifts and talents that God gives us and how we are to use them to serve and help others. Just because we are not gifted to play a guitar or sing doesn’t mean we have less meaning. I know a couple of the gifts that God has gifted me with and I look forward to blessing others with them. In order to do so I need to heal and know the truth – that we are worthy and loved more than we can think or imagine!

I am excited to share my journey with you. I posted regularly in this blog until about a year or so after Christian passed away. As I write this post today, I feel happy knowing that I am investing in one of the gifts God has given me. I look forward to what He has to show me. I will be stepping outside of my comfort zone but Jesus will be by my side every step of the way.

Compassionate Critters

I went to Gibson Park today to go for a short walk. The breeze was blowing constantly, as it always does in Great Falls, but it felt invigorating. As I walked on the oval path around the park, I heard baby chickadees above me as I passed under a tree, saw several squirrels prancing across the grass, and I heard yellow warblers and an American goldfinch.

First he peeked around the corner at me.

He stood next to me for a few minutes.

Afterward, I took a seat on a bench on one of the docks over the pond and watched the waves ripple across the water and the geese and ducks gently float past. After a few minutes, I noticed movement in my peripheral vision. First I saw a tiny head and then the neck and body of a Canadian goose. It was comical because it was like he was peering around a corner to see if I would notice him. Even after he realized that I did not have any food, he stood next to me to look out over the pond. He was so close to me that I could see his brown pupils and the softness of his elongated neck. Occasionally, he would turn around and peacefully observe me. I found this to be very comforting because up until I arrived at the park, I was having a difficult day. I truly believe that animals just get it – they know when we need comfort. I am not just referring to dogs – this is the reason why they are “man’s best friend.” I also mean birds, horses, rabbits, and many other furry critters.

Christian had a zebra finch named Kiwi for several years. Kiwi was a ornery, wild, little fella and Christian would park his wheelchair next to his cage every evening before we covered his cage up with his blanket. He referred to Kiwi as his best friend because he was always there. I think that Kiwi waited to die until the year following Christian’s passing because it would have broken his heart. It was a comfort having Kiwi around after our boy passed away because it gave us a tangible connection to Christian. A few days before Kiwi passed away, he kept hopping to the front of his cage and he would park right under the door and wait for us to come in and pet him. It was so strange because Kiwi was always very wild and didn’t want us to get too close to him. I think it was his way of giving us comfort before he died.

In the months following Christian’s passing, several rabbits hopped onto our back deck and they would sit right in front of the sliding glass door, sometimes looking inside. A few days before Christian passed away, there were close to 20 Eurasian collared doves on our back sidewalk. I have experienced a great amount of comfort from God’s critters over the last few years.

At Christian’s graveside service, we released doves. Our youngest son was able to hold one of the white doves, Sirius, before he released her. He was then able to open the lid on the basket so the rest of the doves could fly out. I first read about the doves in a newspaper article about the funeral services of Deputy Joe Dunn, who was killed in the line of duty. They released doves at his graveside service and he is buried just down the slope from our boy.

God gave us animals for comfort and companionship. Whether it is a cat, dog, parakeet, or birds at our feeder, if we take notice we will see that they really do care about us.

Drew holding Sirius a few days after the funeral.

Goodbye Old Cottonwood

When I went to visit Mom last month she asked me, “Did you see out back yet?” I said no and asked her why. “They finally cut that tree down,” she stated.

“What tree?” I asked as a feeling of dread began to bloom in my chest.

“The big one in the alley,” she replied, after which I went out the door to the backyard and all I could do was stare into the empty space of sky that was occupied by a massive cottonwood that towered over the houses at the top of the hill.

One of my favorite things about visiting Mom, along with talking with her over coffee of course, was listening the wind rustle the leaves of the cottonwood tree out back. I would sleep with the window open in the back room so I could wake up to the sound in the morning. If you do not have cottonwood trees in your area you may be able to find sound bits on YouTube of the wind fluttering the thick, sturdy leaves of the cottonwood tree.

Mom was relieved, along with her neighbors, to not have to clean up the leaves anymore. Being as hardy as they are, the leaves of a cottonwood do not curl up and fall apart like other leaves in the fall. They become flexible from moisture but do not disappear as easily as other leaves. I understand her decision when it came to the mess, but what about the shade it provided? Many trees still remain in her neighborhood but I did enjoy listening to the chickadees as they hopped from branch to branch overhead. “Doesn’t the beauty and shade of the tree outweigh the fall mess?” I thought.

Over the years, many trees have disappeared from our neighborhood. I do not judge however, because I have no idea how it is to be a senior and having to deal with the mess. I can be disappointed in the trees being gone, however. I went out front to sip on my coffee on the front steps and the sun blasted my face with it’s heat. A massive pine tree next door used to cover that area. This pine tree was so large and full of birds that my dad called it the “Bird Hotel.” Sparrows, finches, chickadees, robins, and doves lived there along with a few squirrels. Our neighbors were kind enough to wait until the fledglings were gone before they had the tree removed. The tree was gone in less than an hour. I was furious of course – not at my neighbors but at how short of a period of time something so massive could be destroyed.

We planted three trees in our yard in the summer of 2014. I am happy to say that they are growing quickly and we have a robin’s nest in one of them. We are able to enjoy the scent and beauty of the blooms every spring and the birds enjoy perching in them. With the summers becoming increasingly hotter I wanted to grow some shade for our home and provide a place for my feathered friends.

I don’t think we can ever plant too many trees. They are beautiful to look at and give us a place to sit under on sunny days. I am not a treehugger but I am thankful for God’s creation and the comfort and joy it provides man and bird alike.