Don’t Give Up

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I have a dream of writing a book that will inspire and guide families living with the daily battle of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.  I also have simpler dreams.  I think that many of us do without realizing it.  A simple dream can be to wake up each and every day filled with gratitude for another glorious day of life and going to bed each night feeling fulfilled and knowing that we loved and learned something knew.

The key to reaching our dreams and goals, despite the bumps in the road, is to never give up and to keep moving forward even when we feel afraid.  I have heard it said over and over that courage is feeling fear but moving ahead anyway.  Courage is overcoming our past and our imperfections and believing in ourselves no matter how many times we may fall and skin our knees.

When I think of courage and determination, I think of Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou, Steve Jobs, my mother who raised all three of us girls with little to no help, my grandmother who came to a new country and raised her children on her own, my sisters and my boys.  I think of parents who put a smile on their faces and do the best they can for their families even though they feel afraid of a life threatening diagnoses.

No dream is ever too small because we are all part of a greater whole.  Our contributions may be as small as bringing a smile to someone’s face, holding the door open for the person behind you or as big as inspiring millions like Martin Luther King, Jr.  During his life, Christian was not able to join the football team or shovel the neighbor’s driveway (he had such a kind heart that I know he would have if he was physically capable) but he brought a smile to my face when I was most afraid.  He inspired teachers and fellow students by going to class every day and completing his homework.  No matter how much fear he felt he always smiled, loved and showed kindness.

I encourage you to never give up on your dreams.  If enough of us do something every day that will make a positive impact on the life of another, we will truly change the world.

 

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New Roads Ahead

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As 2016 came to a close, I made a choice to let go of the past and keep my sights on what lies ahead.  I decided to do my best to only look back if I needed to smile or laugh.  I always love the prospect of a new beginning, a fresh start to the new year.  I have never been one to make New Year’s resolutions; however, I believe in the power of intention and adopting new and empowering beliefs.

When we make a resolution for the new year or a new intention, what if we were to begin by believing that we are enough just as we are, that we are loved more than we could ever imagine or that we are worthy of the best things in life?

Rather than focus on the pain and difficulty of 2016, I want to take the lessons learned as well as the joyful memories.  I have learned the importance of gratitude, acceptance and compassion.  With each passing day without my son, I realize more and more how precious life is – a gift to be cherished and enjoyed.

The other morning, I came across the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi.  I decided that the words of this prayer would mirror my New Year’s resolution.

francis-of-assisi_lr-2-900This prayer is an antidote to depression because it helps us to look outside of ourselves and in doing so, we may realize that our problems are not as monumental as they seem.  It also reminds us that by serving and loving others, we become God’s hands and feet.

Thank you for reading my blog in 2016.  I hope to post more frequently and most of all I hope to bring a ray of sunshine to someone’s day.  I hope you had a wonderful New Years and wish you a prosperous 2017!

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God’s Love

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It is one of the most humbling yet empowering experiences ever to truly open our hearts and receive God’s love for us.  Sending His Son to us on Christmas day so long ago is ultimate proof of God’s love.

Why do our hearts break?  Because we have loved.  We love so much that our hearts feel that they could burst.  After Christian passed away, I felt my heart break.  Anyone who has lost a loved one or who has been separated from someone they love knows this pain.

When we accept God’s love for us, our hearts fill and when they break, perhaps this is how our love can flow out of our hearts to others.  We love others and ourselves with the love God gives to us so abundantly.  How would we live our lives if we truly accepted God’s love?  How much more would we be willing to serve others?  How much more would we invest in our God given talents and eventually use them to bless others?

God loves us for who we are.  God loves us despite our mistakes and failures.

The greatest gift we can receive this Christmas and every single day of our lives is God’s love.  The greatest gift we can give back is our hearts.

 

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A Journey in Vinyl

I grew up in the age of vinyl.  My parents had 8 tracks and a player but I went straight for the vinyl.  I had my own little record player in my room.  I enjoyed listening to my Disney collection, Sesame Street Christmas, and 20 Power Hits albums.  My favorite songs off of the 20 Power Hits were Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Green Eyed Lady by Sugarloaf.  On my parent’s player downstairs, I listened to Creedence Clearwater Revival, Elton John and Wayne Newton.  I developed a crush on Wayne, as I listened to him and stared at his album cover.  This was before Bon Jovi came into the picture.

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I remember the first cassette I bought – Look What the Cat Dragged In by Poison.  I was fascinated because the cassette was clear.  My all time favorite cassette was Def Leppard’s Hysteria.  That was the first album I ever bought the day it came out.  I also bought it on vinyl and I still own it.  By the time CD’s entered the picture, I didn’t own a record player and honestly didn’t think much about vinyl.  They were never in the stores and the only time I ever saw them was at my parent’s house.  The first time my boys saw my parent’s records, they came upstairs exclaiming “Look Mom!  Giant CD’s!”

A few years ago, my husband bought me a Music Hall record player for Christmas.  He also surprised me with a few new vinyls to start out with.  I was ecstatic!

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A few weeks ago, a friend of my husband revealed that he had a large collection of vinyl and he wouldn’t mind lending me a few at a time to listen to.  He had worked in a record store when he was young and since vinyl could be bought for less than $5 during that time, he ended up with quite a collection.  These past few weeks have been a musical journey through time.

I will never forget listening to David Bowie’s Young Americans.  David Bowie’s voice filled every room in my house.  Among the albums I have been blessed to hear so far are The Fox by Elton John, Dire Straits, Face Value by Phil Collins, Flat as a Pancake by Head East, Loggins and Messina, Dr. Hook, Foghat, Foreigner, and my favorite so far – Donald Fagen’s The Nightfly.  He told me Donald Fagen was a huge part of Steely Dan but I didn’t recognize any of the songs.  As soon as the needle dropped, I was almost out of my seat as I.G.Y. started playing.  If you are scatching your head and wondering what song that is, I almost bet if you start playing it on You Tube or Spotify you’ll say “I have heard that song!”  I loved that album so much that I bought a used copy of it from Amazon.

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Nothing compares to the sound of vinyl.  There is a rawness and a richness that I don’t hear when I play songs from my iTunes library.  Sadly, new vinyl is expensive – some albums costing over $30, however it is more worth the cost when they come with a free digital download.

Even if vinyl is not available, it is well worth it to join other people on their musical journeys as they grew up.  You may be surprised to hear a song you loved growing up!

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The Small Things

When I was a youngster, Thanksgiving meant Ritz crackers and cheese, mince meat and pumpkin pie made from scratch by my grandma, cranberry sauce, yams, turkey, rolls, olives and movie marathons.  I always looked forward to my grandpa stopping by to drop off the pies and chatting with my mom over a cup of coffee.  We never had any large family get togethers but it always included mom, dad, myself and my two younger sisters.

Over the years, as my nieces and nephews have grown and my sisters have moved away, we have had a few big gatherings.  We would have a houseful – people sleeping in the spare bedroom, on the couch, air mattress and the floor.  These were Christian’s favorite Thanksgivings.

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The boys’ favorite Thanksgivings were spent with their cousins.

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Not even a month after he lost his older brother, Drew found comfort in spending time with his cousins during Thanksgiving.

For the last 2 years, the three of us have had a quiet meal while the fourth chair remains empty.  We will visit the cemetery tomorrow morning and do our best to enjoy another Thanksgiving without our boy.  Christian always loved and appreciated his Thanksgiving meal.  He also remained thankful for the smallest of things until his last breath.

Every time I see something beautiful, I wonder if Christian is showing me what he always appreciated while he was on this earth.

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I am thankful each and every day that I was able to take care of Christian for 21 years.  I am thankful for the conversations we had while I cared for him, the things he did to make me smile and for the strength I had to care for my boys with little to no help.  I am thankful for everything Christian taught me and for the things I continue to learn as I care for Andrew.  When you care for someone who cannot leave the house because of their failing health, you learn just what we should truly be thankful for – a dove on the sidewalk, the warmth of a blanket fresh out of the dryer, a short visit from a dear friend, music, hugs, a birdsong, the smell of fresh coffee, a clean house or hearing the sound of the warm air flowing through the vents on a chilly winter night.  The more I become thankful for, the more reasons I find to praise God.  Praising God for the small miracles opens our hearts to the bigger gifts.  Our lives become filled with peace and unexplainable joy as we carry Thankgiving into our everyday lives.

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1000 Miracles

Two years ago today, we laid our son to rest.  We witnessed the love and support of many – our loving family, friends we hadn’t seen in years, and friends who traveled over mountain passes to say goodbye to our boy.  A bouquet of flowers sits on my kitchen table – an array of orange roses along with white, orange and purple flowers I cannot name.  When I awoke and walked into the dining room, the scent of the flowers made a picture of Christian’s room filled with flowers after the funeral flash into my mind.  I felt the hollowness and the ache of my boy being away from this earth.

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I took on a challenge of sorts and decided to begin this last Thursday – the day our boy passed away.  I am writing down at least 10 things a day that I am thankful for along with reading and reflecting on a devotional by Ann Voskamp called One Thousand Gifts.  After 3 days, I have learned more than I have in months, maybe even years.

I learned why my mind darkened and my heart closed to God’s grace.

My husband and I went through some old photographs – pictures of my sons when they could walk and stand.  Swimming, vacations to Disneyworld and Las Vegas, horseback riding and spending time doing so many fun, simple things in Lewistown with my parents, sisters, brother-in-law and cousins.  Those were the days when my heart was full of light.  I felt, witnessed and lived God’s grace.

As the boys lost the ability to walk, brush their teeth or even feed themselves, my heart slowing darkened.  When I needed God’s grace the most I closed myself off from it.  I didn’t realize at the time why it became harder for me to notice the miracles I always noticed before Christian’s health really started to decline.

Yesterday, I read these verses:

“For that which is known about God is evident to them and made plain to their inner consciousness…For ever since the creation of the world His invisible nature and attributes, that is, His eternal power and divinity, have been made intelligible and clearly discernible in and through the things that have been made.  So men are without excuse…they did not honor and glorify Him as God or give Him thanks…and their senseless minds were darkened.” -Romans 1:19-21

My heart began to hollow out when I stopped expressing my thankfulness to God for His gifts big and small.  He gave us so much to praise Him for and continues to each and every day.  When we notice and confess the goodness He so readily gives to us, our eyes open to His divinity which surrounds us all of the time.  I know now why I began to see an extra layer to life after Christian passed away.  I began to notice things that made my heart want to burst – colors in the sky I hadn’t noticed before, sunlight on a sparrow’s face as he enjoyed seeds from my feeder, the sounds of the wind blowing autumn leaves still attached to a cottonwood.

I went on a walk yesterday and noticed things I had not noticed weeks ago.  I am sure I looked funny because I stared in amazement at the Missouri River and the way the moving lines in the water reminded me of an orchestra, the golden leaves gently fluttering on the trees, and dogs with happy faces running in the dog park.

The more thankful I become, the more I see, feel and live God’s grace.

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Remembering God’s Grace

Fall had always been my favorite season.  The beauty of the changing leaves and the flight of the starlings amazed me.  Since losing my son however, the arrival of Fall has brought with it a sense of dread.  Now, seeing the flowers wilt and the branches become bare make my heart ache.  This Thursday will be 2 years since we lost Christian.  As the yellow and orange leaves scattered my front lawn, I remembered going outside to take his photo on his last birthday.

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When they came to pick up the signs we rented for Christian’s birthday, I felt an ache in my heart and I didn’t know why.  The fact that we would lose him 15 days later was the furthest thing from my mind.

As the 27th approaches, I want to remember God’s grace.  I want to remember the kind things people did and said after Christian passed away.  Sure, the pain will be there but God’s grace can be in my heart too.  We literally had a roomful of flowers and a stack of sympathy cards – some from people I had never met such as a woman in Lewistown who gave us $100.  I remember my friends, Tracy and Amanda, coming over to the house and offering to help with the food after the services.  A woman from Kalispell who lost her son to the same disease just weeks prior drew me a picture of Christian.  My dad drew a picture and my mother helped as much as she could.  Another woman who lost her son to Duchenne MD flew in from Columbia Falls to attend the services.  Sara from Infinity Lofts set up a dove release for us at the graveside and let my son Andrew hold and release the first dove.  My good friend Michelle drove up from Lewistown and brought me something vegan to eat.  Our friends Mike and Monica brought us our groceries for a couple of months until I was ready to go to the store myself.  We received care packages from friends in Wyoming and Hawaii as well as family in Montana.

 

 

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We went back up to the cemetery a few days later to release more doves.  Drew was able to hold and release Sirius again.

The pain was unimaginable but God’s grace kept us from completely breaking.  Remembering the love and kindness of others makes the pain a little more bearable and gives me comfort even today.

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