Fall is by far my favorite season. It brings golden leaves, bluer skies, and cool breezes. After a summer dominated by smoke and fire, it was a great relief to see two days of rain and cooler temperatures. I looked out the window and noticed something different along with seeing a blue sky – the trees were swaying. It took me a while to realize that we barely had any wind since the heat and drought set in late June. The wind usually blows so much that we practically fall over when it doesn’t, so welcome back wind! I will try not to complain when you blow my hair all over the place!
With summer coming to a close and fall approaching fast, I wanted to share the highlights of my summer in photos. I went for a visit to Lewistown in June and enjoyed taking Mom to dinner at the local Mexican restaurant. I enjoyed several walks with my family, before the smoke rolled in, on the River’s Edge Trail. My husband and I celebrated our 25th anniversary by taking a trip to San Jose and San Francisco. We crossed the Golden Gate Bridge on foot and it was exhilarating. Finally, in August I was thrilled to see Drew in a tuxedo for the first time for my niece’s wedding.
I admit that the smokey skies made their way into my spirit. I forgot that the smallest of gifts are the most important: a mourning dove perched outside of the dining room window, the chatter of chickadees on my way back to the office, golden spots of sun on the floor, ceramic pigs strategically placed around my house by my neighbor for me to find, time with my husband on the couch watching Suits, and a smile from a coworker.
I came across the quote in the picture above during one of my morning meditation sessions. When we live in our heads, our lives can pass by unnoticed. We miss the bird placed on a branch in the perfect place for us to look up and see him. We miss the cloud in the sky shaped like a heart or the uplifting lyrics of a song. It’s better to let our fearful thoughts pass by like clouds in the sky than to end up underneath them for months, even years. Remember the cartoons when a character had a raining cloud over his head wherever he went? That is exactly what it is like to live in our heads. This is something I am guilty of and I have realized that life is far too precious to go by unnoticed for even a moment.
Next month will be three years since Christian passed away. The turning leaves take me back to the months before his passing and it can be very painful – like it just happened. As the day approaches I want to see the world as I would want Christian to see it – a miracle in process, given to us by a God who loves us.
As a child, I remember the purple banners hanging up in the church in the weeks before Easter and people giving up bad habits for Lent. I would watch Jesus of Nazareth every year without fully comprehending what was unfolding on the screen. I squirmed as Jesus was whipped and nailed to the cross. As I became older, I had a difficult time with the violence and stopped watching movies based on His crucifixion. Today, my devotionals have led me to the crucifixion in God’s Word and what it means in my life. Admittedly, I become emotional when I read of His grief leading up to His arrest, the flogging and how the soldiers cast lots over His garments. It took the loss of my oldest son to fully comprehend the impact of the crucifixion and resurrection of our Lord on our lives today.
Jesus died so we could live. He took the guilt and sin of the world upon His shoulders because He loved us deeply and so we can enjoy eternal life with Him after we die. Until recently, I didn’t fully know the power and significance of His resurrection because I have been stuck on the crucifixion – not only His but my own. I have focused on the negative, on my mistakes and my past. I have resisted healing from my loss out of fear of forgetting Christian – the sound of his voice, his strength, kindness and how he made me laugh.
I began my Lenten journey with a booklet with a dragonfly on the front. It stated Be Ye Transformed on the front. I have learned that Lent isn’t just a waiting period from Ash Wednesday to Easter. It is a period of metamorphosis – of letting go of negativity and false beliefs so we can receive the Truth and fully come to know the love of God.
“Just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.” (Romans 6:4)
When we went to the cemetery to visit our boy today, it was sunny and we could hear western meadowlarks in the distance. A chickadee, which happened to be one of Christian’s favorite birds, landed in the tree next to us and sang a bit. As the sun warmed my face, I thought of Christian in heaven, with his favorite animals by his side, sitting in a mountain meadow surrounded by mountains surpassing any of ours in beauty and size. I didn’t shed any tears until a woman drove up to visit a grave across from ours. The age of the young man buried there isn’t far off from Christians. I cried as I watched her approach the headstone and kneel in front of it. “I know” I thought as we drove away, leaving her some privacy.
One of my favorite scriptures is John 10:10, when Jesus said “I came that they may have life, and have it to the full.” What does it mean to have a full life? It means greeting each day with gratitude and ending our “I AM” with powerful, positive words. It means fully accepting and enjoying ourselves, opening our hearts to God’s abundance and never giving up.
“The Lord said to Abram after Lot had left him, Lift up now your eyes and look from the place where you are.” -Genesis 13:14
Lot and Abram had to separate because the land was not big enough to sustain all of their herds, helpers and goods. Abram gave Lot the first choice on whether to choose the better land in the Jordan Valley or the less desirable land of Canaan. Lot chose the Jordan Valley.
This story has great meaning in my life today. It is far too easy to become discouraged because my sons were born with a life threatening disease without a cure. God doesn’t want us to focus on everything we have lost. He wants us to lift up our eyes and trust that He will lead us into a bright future filled with possibilities and joy. It is impossible to notice His blessings and miracles when our eyes are focused on the ground or when our hearts and minds are stuck in the past. God wants us to lift up our eyes and focus on everything we have, not on what we do not have. When we keep our eyes fixed on Him, we will see that He has plans to bless us.
Only when we lift up our eyes can we see the blueness of the sky, the way the white clouds effortlessly float past the window, the bird on the branch, or the flower on the windowsill. When we thank the Lord for a new day the minute we open our eyes each morning, we invite His blessings into our daily lives.
Looking up can bring us out of a state of depression and discouragement, and even help us to feel confident. Today, I encourage you to believe that no matter how difficult your circumstances may be, God wants to bless you and prosper you.
There are mornings when I am doing my regular Bible study when I come across something so profound that I will always remember it. I read a quote by Bronnie Ware from her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
Ware worked as a palliative caregiver. Palliative care involves the care and support of a patient faced with a life threatening or terminal illess. It also involves improving the quality of life for the patient as well as the patient’s family and friends. I had no idea such a word even existed until after my son passed away. I knew what hospice was but in my son’s final year of life we had no support and no one to even tell us what support was available to us. It was a fearful, traumatic time in our life and has led me on a mission. I have started to write a book about my experiences with raising two sons with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and losing my oldest son, Christian, to the disease. No one should have to deal with end of life issues on their own. So many physicians are in the dark about Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and it is not uncommon for them to feel discomfort about discussing end of life issues.
A physician came to the house to examine Christian about a year before he passed away. He had nothing to say to me and later I received a copy of his notes from the visit – notes that did not even make sense. The closest thing ever said to us during Christian’s life that even came close to the reality of his prognosis was “you need to talk to the nurse about signing a living will.”
Christian’s passing came swiftly and without much warning. We were alone and had no idea he would be leaving us that dark Monday morning. Looking back over 2 years later, it hurts, but I know that harboring bitterness and resentment towards the medical community will not bring him back or ease my pain. I can only use this experience as a driving force to inform others that they do not have to face the eventual passing of a loved one alone and without the truth.
After reading Bronnie Ware’s blog post I realized that I am not waiting until it is too late to reach for my dreams and set goals consistent with my values. It is never too late to use my pain to ease the pain of others. That, ultimately, is my goal: to prevent others from having to go through the avoidable hardships that I’ve suffered.
I have a dream of writing a book that will inspire and guide families living with the daily battle of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. I also have simpler dreams. I think that many of us do without realizing it. A simple dream can be to wake up each and every day filled with gratitude for another glorious day of life and going to bed each night feeling fulfilled and knowing that we loved and learned something knew.
The key to reaching our dreams and goals, despite the bumps in the road, is to never give up and to keep moving forward even when we feel afraid. I have heard it said over and over that courage is feeling fear but moving ahead anyway. Courage is overcoming our past and our imperfections and believing in ourselves no matter how many times we may fall and skin our knees.
When I think of courage and determination, I think of Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou, Steve Jobs, my mother who raised all three of us girls with little to no help, my grandmother who came to a new country and raised her children on her own, my sisters and my boys. I think of parents who put a smile on their faces and do the best they can for their families even though they feel afraid of a life threatening diagnoses.
No dream is ever too small because we are all part of a greater whole. Our contributions may be as small as bringing a smile to someone’s face, holding the door open for the person behind you or as big as inspiring millions like Martin Luther King, Jr. During his life, Christian was not able to join the football team or shovel the neighbor’s driveway (he had such a kind heart that I know he would have if he was physically capable) but he brought a smile to my face when I was most afraid. He inspired teachers and fellow students by going to class every day and completing his homework. No matter how much fear he felt he always smiled, loved and showed kindness.
I encourage you to never give up on your dreams. If enough of us do something every day that will make a positive impact on the life of another, we will truly change the world.
As 2016 came to a close, I made a choice to let go of the past and keep my sights on what lies ahead. I decided to do my best to only look back if I needed to smile or laugh. I always love the prospect of a new beginning, a fresh start to the new year. I have never been one to make New Year’s resolutions; however, I believe in the power of intention and adopting new and empowering beliefs.
When we make a resolution for the new year or a new intention, what if we were to begin by believing that we are enough just as we are, that we are loved more than we could ever imagine or that we are worthy of the best things in life?
Rather than focus on the pain and difficulty of 2016, I want to take the lessons learned as well as the joyful memories. I have learned the importance of gratitude, acceptance and compassion. With each passing day without my son, I realize more and more how precious life is – a gift to be cherished and enjoyed.
The other morning, I came across the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. I decided that the words of this prayer would mirror my New Year’s resolution.
This prayer is an antidote to depression because it helps us to look outside of ourselves and in doing so, we may realize that our problems are not as monumental as they seem. It also reminds us that by serving and loving others, we become God’s hands and feet.
Thank you for reading my blog in 2016. I hope to post more frequently and most of all I hope to bring a ray of sunshine to someone’s day. I hope you had a wonderful New Years and wish you a prosperous 2017!
It is one of the most humbling yet empowering experiences ever to truly open our hearts and receive God’s love for us. Sending His Son to us on Christmas day so long ago is ultimate proof of God’s love.
Why do our hearts break? Because we have loved. We love so much that our hearts feel that they could burst. After Christian passed away, I felt my heart break. Anyone who has lost a loved one or who has been separated from someone they love knows this pain.
When we accept God’s love for us, our hearts fill and when they break, perhaps this is how our love can flow out of our hearts to others. We love others and ourselves with the love God gives to us so abundantly. How would we live our lives if we truly accepted God’s love? How much more would we be willing to serve others? How much more would we invest in our God given talents and eventually use them to bless others?
God loves us for who we are. God loves us despite our mistakes and failures.
The greatest gift we can receive this Christmas and every single day of our lives is God’s love. The greatest gift we can give back is our hearts.