Scars Strengthen Us

I read a story about four seeds in a book by Rev J. Martin called God’s Grace Is On The Way:  Let go, embrace love.  To sum it up, four seeds were taken up by the wind and dropped into a clearing in the jungle.  Their dream was to grow to be beautiful trees, towering over the jungle.  Three monkeys also lived in the clearing that liked to amuse themselves by throwing bananas at any plant that tried to grow.  This made it very difficult for the seeds to take root.  The seeds agreed that it would be better to wait for the group of monkeys to move on before they attempted to grow.

Weeks passed and one seed thought she should at least attempt it.  When she tried to grow, the monkeys pelted her with bananas.  She tried and tried, even after the other seeds asked her to stop trying.  She didn’t give up but kept trying harder and harder as the monkeys continued to attack the plant.

Then, one day, the monkeys hit her with bananas but none made her stoop over.  The little tree had taken so many blows that she was now full of hard knots and scars.  Her slim trunk had gotten thicker and more resistant and could now withstand the impact of a banana.  The monkeys were unable to uproot her.  She grew until she became the most majestic tree in the jungle.

When we are dealt a bad hand in life or end up facing all sorts of difficulties, it is easy to give up on our dreams and goals.  It could be bad news from the doctor, the loss of a loved one or financial difficulty that puts us in the middle of one of life’s storms.  The storms can be so bad that it is difficult to see the other side of the lake and we wonder how we will ever make it across to the other side.

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After recently being diagnosed with a chronic illness, I wasn’t sure if I could pursue my dreams any longer.  I thought about the loss of my son, Christian, his brother, Andrew,  who continues to fight his muscular dystrophy and my husband who lives with a heart condition.  After being pelted with several bunches of bananas I set my dreams aside.

When we make it to the other side of life’s storms we become more resilient and strong.  God can use us in amazing ways when we let Him give us the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other when life gets hard.  We can then be an inspiration to others who are dealing with their own difficulties.

We are all given gifts from God to make the world a better place.  Some of us sing, play instruments, serve, sew, write or draw.  Some of us are given the gift of inspiration.  It is amazing what a kind word or a little encouragement can do for the spirit of another.  No matter what difficulties come our way, we must never give up on the gifts that God graces us with.  He knows how important our gifts are so He will give us the strength we need to make it through life’s storms.

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My son

DSCN0086It has been well over a year since my last post.  So much has changed, especially of late.  On October 27, in the early hours of the morning, my oldest son, Christian, went to heaven.  My heart broke into a million pieces that day.

These past weeks have been a blur.  I have felt more pain and emotion than I ever thought possible, sometimes in the span of 5 minutes. I have also felt parts of my soul stir that I didn’t even know existed.  For the first few days, I couldn’t even think straight enough to pray or read scripture.  Thankfully I have been able to focus more and I have made sure to keep God’s Word close by.  I have relied on God more heavily than I have ever before and prayed more than ever.

They say that when we lose someone we love, we are never the same.  We have to adjust to a new normal.  I can honestly say I am not the same. I am broken, tired, confused, angry and lost.  On the other hand, I have felt love grow in my heart – love for Christian, God, my husband and my younger son, Andrew.  You see, Christian was more than a son.  He was my best friend (wow, I just cried for the first time in public).  He was also my rock, my inspiration.  He left me everything that was good about him – good and perfect.  He left me his courage, love, more love, his beautiful smile, his humor and his love of music.  I can hardly listen to a song without thinking of him.

The past year has been difficult but I am thankful for all of it – the constant caregiving, sore legs and feet from standing all day, the fear, aggravation.  It all made me a better person and taught me to enjoy the little, often overlooked things in life – a sparrow on the feeder, the full moon, a funny shaped cloud in the sky or sunlight on the wall.  Christian made me realize that I do not need material possessions to be happy and satisfied.  In Christian’s last year of his life, he only spent less than $100 on himself.  He enjoyed buying gifts for others and watching their expressions when they opened them.  Christian was in a lot of pain the last year and a half of his life and wasn’t able to go out of the house much.  As a result, he read books on his iPhone, played video games (Metroid and racing games were his favorites), listened to some good music and watched movies.  Tom Cruise was his favorite actor and he watched Live, Die, Repeat the weekend before he passed.  His love of NASCAR inspired me to love it too.  I so wanted his favorite driver, Jeff Gordon, to win the Chase but instead I bawled as he duked it out with my driver, Brad Keslowski.  What a mess.

I know that eventually, I will cross the stormy sea of grief and I will surely lean into the storm so I can keep moving ahead.  God will be with me every step of the way.  As I heal, I will be inspired by Christian.  He will always be with me until I see him again.  He is inspiring me to keep listening to music, especially vinyl, start drawing and painting and play the piano again.  He inspires me to continue taking care of myself and my husband and son.  He inspires me to help others and bless others, just as he did every single day of his life.  Not a person came away from Christian without being moved my his love, grace and smile.  I will love him for all time.  I will be posting on my blog more and I hope I will inspire you and move you.  I love you and thank you for reading and I hope a part of Christian will also be with you.