It has been well over a year since my last post. So much has changed, especially of late. On October 27, in the early hours of the morning, my oldest son, Christian, went to heaven. My heart broke into a million pieces that day.
These past weeks have been a blur. I have felt more pain and emotion than I ever thought possible, sometimes in the span of 5 minutes. I have also felt parts of my soul stir that I didn’t even know existed. For the first few days, I couldn’t even think straight enough to pray or read scripture. Thankfully I have been able to focus more and I have made sure to keep God’s Word close by. I have relied on God more heavily than I have ever before and prayed more than ever.
They say that when we lose someone we love, we are never the same. We have to adjust to a new normal. I can honestly say I am not the same. I am broken, tired, confused, angry and lost. On the other hand, I have felt love grow in my heart – love for Christian, God, my husband and my younger son, Andrew. You see, Christian was more than a son. He was my best friend (wow, I just cried for the first time in public). He was also my rock, my inspiration. He left me everything that was good about him – good and perfect. He left me his courage, love, more love, his beautiful smile, his humor and his love of music. I can hardly listen to a song without thinking of him.
The past year has been difficult but I am thankful for all of it – the constant caregiving, sore legs and feet from standing all day, the fear, aggravation. It all made me a better person and taught me to enjoy the little, often overlooked things in life – a sparrow on the feeder, the full moon, a funny shaped cloud in the sky or sunlight on the wall. Christian made me realize that I do not need material possessions to be happy and satisfied. In Christian’s last year of his life, he only spent less than $100 on himself. He enjoyed buying gifts for others and watching their expressions when they opened them. Christian was in a lot of pain the last year and a half of his life and wasn’t able to go out of the house much. As a result, he read books on his iPhone, played video games (Metroid and racing games were his favorites), listened to some good music and watched movies. Tom Cruise was his favorite actor and he watched Live, Die, Repeat the weekend before he passed. His love of NASCAR inspired me to love it too. I so wanted his favorite driver, Jeff Gordon, to win the Chase but instead I bawled as he duked it out with my driver, Brad Keslowski. What a mess.
I know that eventually, I will cross the stormy sea of grief and I will surely lean into the storm so I can keep moving ahead. God will be with me every step of the way. As I heal, I will be inspired by Christian. He will always be with me until I see him again. He is inspiring me to keep listening to music, especially vinyl, start drawing and painting and play the piano again. He inspires me to continue taking care of myself and my husband and son. He inspires me to help others and bless others, just as he did every single day of his life. Not a person came away from Christian without being moved my his love, grace and smile. I will love him for all time. I will be posting on my blog more and I hope I will inspire you and move you. I love you and thank you for reading and I hope a part of Christian will also be with you.