Today my oldest son, Christian, would have turned 31. He passed away almost 2 weeks after his 21st birthday. We are going to the cemetery to clean the headstone and set some gifts out for him. I am also going to take a pottery class, which starts tonight, in his memory.
Even though he had physical limitations, Christian enjoyed making homemade greeting cards, drawing, and working with all sorts of media in art class. When he was in high school, his art teacher nominated him for an award in honor of a Zach Culliton who also overcame his disability to create a beautiful painting of a fish. Christian’s name remains listed to this day.
Christian took a lot of time and effort in making the picture which earned him the award. It was a very exciting evening and so many of our friends and family showed up to celebrate. I even met Zach’s mother and she was very kind. Zach passed away not too long before I met her. I hope to see her again.
Christian was always focused on his abilities instead of his limitations. He made numerous Star Wars lego models, enjoyed doing puzzles, and put his best effort into everything he did. On one particular project when he was in high school, he had to draw a creature made from three different real animals or insects. He then did a ceramic rendering of it. I have it sitting on the table today to remind me of his beautiful art and to give me strength to step outside of my comfort zone for 6 weeks on Saturdays for a couple of hours. I really hope I enjoy it and that pottery will be one of my gifts.
Like many of the hand made greeting cards Christian made for me over the years, I want to make some beautiful pottery for him. I want to picture him smiling down from Heaven. My heart is heavy and I would rather have Christian here to bake his favorite chocolate cake and order him pizza for dinner. I imagine he is doing something far better than anything this earth could ever provide. Happy Birthday my dear son. I know you are having the best time building unlimited lego models and making beautiful pottery because in Heaven, you are not sick. I love you and miss you with all of my heart and soul.
This was drawn by my dad shortly after Christian passed away.
Hitting the Rock Bottom is a painting by Svein Ove Hareide
My last post was in March of 2023 and I want to thank you for being here after such a long gap. On a cloudy day of the same month, my life took a sharp turn that I did not see coming. I started experiencing higher levels of anxiety like never before and I had no idea what was happening. I just thought I was really stressed. I really knew something was wrong when I had my first panic attack.
I had a general feeling of anxiousness the next day and feeling lost that would barely let up and the moments of clarity became few and far between as time went on. The panic attacks increased and so did the fear and feelings of being unsafe. I started seeing a therapist and he did not explain to me why my brain was overreacting to things that slightly bothered me before. He said it was all normal. The panic attacks increased and I became stuck in a pattern of fight or flight that lasted for almost 2 months. I became exhausted in every way and eventually, I was barely able to care for my adult disabled son.
I blamed myself for what had happened to me. I did not know that anxiety disorders stem from years of stress, childhood environments, trauma, repressed grief and so much more. I thought I was letting my family down because my husband had to take time off of work and the stress on them was not healthy.
Things continued to worsen and I eventally ended up at rock bottom. It was the most difficult, painful time of my life. It was at the bottom that I realized that God had been with me the whole time, even when I did not feel worthy of His love. Jesus was there at the bottom with His arms open wide and He saved my life.
It took some time and hard lessons for me to decide to take the medication they were highly encouraging me to try. For most of my life, I have always looked down on medication for anxiety and depression. I would think things like, why doesn’t so and so get more exercise or eat better. For some people, that’s all they need alongside a good therapist who can teach the patient how to control panic attacks and learn cognitive behavior therapy skills. On the other side of the spectrum are people like me who need medication just to function, gain back strength, and also be able to do the work to heal.
Once the medication helped to get my system out of fight or flight, I started gaining strength little by little and eventually I was able to care for my son again. I prayed throughout the day, started practicing deep breathing techniques and meditation and I continue to practice them daily. I was blessed to find an awesome therapist and prescribing Nurse Practitioner and I started making strides. I have learned that anxiety is not my enemy, but a way for my body to let me know that I need to slow down and empty out that stress bucket that was getting too full. I also started following The Anxiety Guy on You Tube. He posts videos and has two podcasts. He had several anxiety disorders for years and has since healed. He has written four books that I know of that are super helpful and his programs are affordable and have helped thousands to heal from their anxiety disorders instead of just coping. I will always have my tool box but I am learning not to let anxiety run my life. It is a long, difficult journey, but I am learning so many things that I would have never learned on a different path.
God brought several miracles into our lives during my first year of healing and continues to daily. We found an angel of a caregiver to come in and help me get Drew up in the morning and she has become a close friend. Drew received an inheritance from his great grandfather and bought a new van! It wasn’t long before we started taking short little road trips and this past July, we went to Salt Lake City! When I was at rock bottom, I would have never imagined I would be where I am today.
Like any illness or condition a person recovers from, I have good days and bad days – we all do. Each day I am learning something new. My life is so different than it was before I broke and it is so much better in many ways. I have learned to slow down, trust God for EVERYTHING, love myself and the little me that went through some tough times growing up, and forgive myself while practicing self compassion.
If you have ever seen Brené Brown on You Tube or read any of her books, you would be familiar with her famous talk on vulnerability and her talk based on a quote by Teddy Roosevelt called The Man in the Arenahttps://youtu.be/fE6fa7OpVu0?si=QlcIlLlBQcbpLUzv. By publishing this post, I will be experiencing vulnerability like never before but that’s okay. Like Brené Brown said in her speech on being in the arena with her face marred and covered in blood and sweat, there are seats reserved for those who love and care about her and even for those who criticize her. Unless those who are critical of her are willing to join her in the arena, where life has kicked her up and down, she is not interested in what they have to say.
When I was in the darkness, unsure of my future and what was happening to me, I knew that once I healed I wanted to help others. I want to give my testimony to offer hope and to let others know that they too can heal and God can bring us out of the deepest, darkest places because He loves us unconditionally and cares for us deeply. September is National Suicide Awareness Month and it is so important for everyone to know that they matter, they are loved, and there is help. Like 911 connects us to emergency services, 988 connects you to counselors and people who can help you if you are in a crisis or contemplating suicide. There is help – people love you and care about you. I love you and am so thankful for your time. God bless you and there will be more posts to come. I am not on a timetable but I will continue to work on future posts as I continue this healing journey.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or are experiencing a mental health crisis, you can dial the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention hotline at 988 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.
Three years ago I was diagnosed with a chronic health condition called Torticollis, also known as Cervical Dystonia. It took about nine months to even receive that diagnosis. I tried Botox injections hoping they would give me relief, but they ended up making me worse. I left my job, and many parts of my life were left in pieces. The simplest of tasks, such as using a computer, eating, and applying makeup, along with the more difficult task of caring for my son, became increasingly difficult to do. By the following Fall, I was sick and had no answers.
It took me longer to find an answer because all I could see was my life in pieces.
As I was reading Diagnosis Dystonia, by Tom Seaman, I came across a chapter where he talked about the Spasmodic Torticollis Recovery Clinic in New Mexico. This program helped him to recover, as well as many others who stayed faithful to the program all the way through. I was very excited after visiting the website and decided to do the remote distance program.
Finally, I saw rays of hope on the horizon.
As of today, I have been working hard at the program for two and a half years and I can finally see land in the distance! This has been the most difficult battle I have ever faced, and yet I have grown closer to Jesus Christ and learned things I would have never learned without going through this. I have learned many lessons about patience, faith, perseverance, trusting God, and the importance of knowing God’s love. I have also experienced being at one of the lowest points in my life and in the darkest nights of the soul. This battle of battles will become my testimony.
Knowing that God loves us is one of the most important parts of healing.
Sometimes the home stretch is the most difficult and I am working harder than ever on my program to reclaim my life. Just writing in this blog is a huge step towards the finish line! I am so very thankful for all of you for sticking around even though I have not posted for years. My writing is a bit rusty, but I am keeping at it and I know it will be even better in the end.
I look forward to sharing what I have learned and what it means to trust God with everything. I also had to overcome the worst fear I have ever faced. The Lord has given me strength to do the program every day and take care of my adult disabled son. This has not left me with a lot of free time, but in order to achieve victory we have to pay a price for a while. Once I am on the other side of this storm, I will be stronger, healthier and wiser. I will be better able to serve others and be who God created me to be. Like Joyce Meyer said, “Let your test become your testimony.”
We go through difficulties and trials to come out at the other side ready to share our story and give hope to others.
Great Falls is a windy city. When the wind is not blowing, one is liable to tip over from not having that constant head wind holding them up straight. Last summer was one of the worst fire seasons in the state of Montana. During the span of two months, the wind barely blew. It was hot, smokey, and most of us had to stay indoors most of the summer. I have never missed wind as much as I did during the summer of 2017.
We do not live very far from an oil refinery. Most days it smells like sulfur, oil, and all kinds of offensive things. Thanks to the wind, the smell does not carry over to our neighborhood most days. The wastewater treatment plant is a little further than the refinery but on days when the wind doesn’t blow and they are cleaning up some extra nasty waste, the smell makes its way over. Eww.
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When I was young, I used to complain about the wind because it messed up my hair. Thank goodness for Aqua Net. I used loads of it. We went on a picnic the other day and with each bite of food I took, I about ate a mouthful of hair too. It’s easy to complain about wind but most of the time I think about what it does for us.
Wind is a clean source of power, it cleans the air and makes the sky look bluer, it helps ships to sail, gives birds a break as they fly in place, flies kites, allows us to paraglide and surf, makes leaves rustle on trees, and helps us to cool off after a hot, summer day.
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I don’t use Aqua Net anymore but I am also older and I accept that a perfect hair day is a rarity. I am thankful for tumbleweeds blowing across the prairie in the wind, hair in my face as we drive down the highway, and swaying trees so long as we do not blow away to Oz like Dorothy and Toto. Next time my hairstyle is ruined by the wind or I end up with dirt it my eye I will think about the positive side of wind.
Several years ago, my husband started playing Texas Hold ‘Em. We played poker in the past but it was always Five Card Draw and we gambled with pinto beans or pennies. He started watching the WSOP and playing small wager cash games. He would come home and talk about some of the hands and most of it went over my head.
When poker was on television and I happened to be sitting on the couch with a book in front of me, I would occasionally look up to see who Dave was talking about. In 2011 Pius Heinz was the WSOP Main Event winner. I started paying attention to the players that year because I enjoyed seeing Ben Lamb stare at the other players in the hands.
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Christian had no interest in poker whatsoever but for some reason, he liked the way Pius Heinz dressed. One day, he even put on one of his hoodies and imitated him. That is the closest Christian ever came to being interested in poker. When Dave and Drew started talking about poker hands, Christian would always say “Mom, Dad and Drew are being boring again.”
Christian dressed like Pius Heinz
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Dave has been fortunate enough to play in some of the smaller events during the WSOP. Over the years, I have learned about several of the players. When Dave told me he played a hand with Antonio Esfandiari I was very excited for him. In 2016, Dave made it to day two of his event and had his picture taken with Fedor Holz. I was thrilled for him, especially since I had watched Fedor play against Phil Helmuth on television recently. I remember watching this because Phil was becoming aggravated and started repeating that he was “on a rampage.” Fedor told Phil he reminded him of an angry Bob Ross. If you are familiar with Phil Helmuth’s reputation of being a Poker Brat, you would find a lot of humor in it also.
Dave with Fedor Holz, who happened to win over $18 million that summer
As much as I have tried to distance myself from poker, I have been learning to play at home. Since I am starting to understand the rules of Hold ‘Em and some of the strategies, I watched some of the Super High Roller Bowl, a $300,000 entry tournament, with Dave and enjoyed it. Dave asked me if I was ready to play in one of the monthly tournaments he plays in, and I replied “No way.” I do not understand the rules and strategies enough to feel comfortable playing in organized events. I would rather start by playing in cash games with friends and family.
Dave dreams of playing in the WSOP Main Event one day and I really do hope it becomes true. Even if it doesn’t, not many of us can say that we met Ray Romano while playing at a cash game at the Venetian or that we played hands with poker champions. I will continue learning and hopefully one day I will play in a tournament of my own.
Today’s song of the day is Could Have Been Me by The Struts. When I listened to the lyrics, I wanted to jump up and shout the lyrics along with the song.
Don’t wanna live as an untold story Rather go out in a blaze of glory I can’t hear you, I don’t fear you I’ll live now cause the bad die last Dodging bullets with your broken past I can’t hear you, I don’t fear you now
Wrapped in your regret What a waste of blood and sweat Oh oh oh
I wanna taste love and pain Wanna feel pride and shame I don’t wanna take my time Don’t wanna waste one line I wanna live better days Never look back and say Could have been me It could have been me Yeah
Don’t wanna live as an unsung melody I’d rather listen to the silence telling me I can’t hear you, I won’t fear you Don’t wanna wake up on Monday morning The thought of work’s getting my skin crawling I can’t fear you, I don’t hear you now
We all have songs that speak to our hearts. This particular song has since the first time I heard it. I think that three of the worst phrases along with “I can’t” are phrases that include the words coulda, woulda and shoulda. I use these words far more than I ought to and I want to say them less. If I live to be an old woman, I want to look back and know that I lived the best days I could in service and love. I hope to be able to look back and know that I changed the world in some way, even by encouraging and uplifting others.
We all have a song in our hearts and many of us are afraid to live out the melodies that God places in us. Fear can only keep us from living with purpose and without regret if we allow it to. Our pasts cannot keep us from having an excellent finish. When we refuse to allow fear and mistakes of our past to keep us from pursuing our dreams and showing up each and every day as our best selves, then we will not have to say “It could have been me.”
Fall is by far my favorite season. It brings golden leaves, bluer skies, and cool breezes. After a summer dominated by smoke and fire, it was a great relief to see two days of rain and cooler temperatures. I looked out the window and noticed something different along with seeing a blue sky – the trees were swaying. It took me a while to realize that we barely had any wind since the heat and drought set in late June. The wind usually blows so much that we practically fall over when it doesn’t, so welcome back wind! I will try not to complain when you blow my hair all over the place!
With summer coming to a close and fall approaching fast, I wanted to share the highlights of my summer in photos. I went for a visit to Lewistown in June and enjoyed taking Mom to dinner at the local Mexican restaurant. I enjoyed several walks with my family, before the smoke rolled in, on the River’s Edge Trail. My husband and I celebrated our 25th anniversary by taking a trip to San Jose and San Francisco. We crossed the Golden Gate Bridge on foot and it was exhilarating. Finally, in August I was thrilled to see Drew in a tuxedo for the first time for my niece’s wedding.
I admit that the smokey skies made their way into my spirit. I forgot that the smallest of gifts are the most important: a mourning dove perched outside of the dining room window, the chatter of chickadees on my way back to the office, golden spots of sun on the floor, ceramic pigs strategically placed around my house by my neighbor for me to find, time with my husband on the couch watching Suits, and a smile from a coworker.
I came across the quote in the picture above during one of my morning meditation sessions. When we live in our heads, our lives can pass by unnoticed. We miss the bird placed on a branch in the perfect place for us to look up and see him. We miss the cloud in the sky shaped like a heart or the uplifting lyrics of a song. It’s better to let our fearful thoughts pass by like clouds in the sky than to end up underneath them for months, even years. Remember the cartoons when a character had a raining cloud over his head wherever he went? That is exactly what it is like to live in our heads. This is something I am guilty of and I have realized that life is far too precious to go by unnoticed for even a moment.
Next month will be three years since Christian passed away. The turning leaves take me back to the months before his passing and it can be very painful – like it just happened. As the day approaches I want to see the world as I would want Christian to see it – a miracle in process, given to us by a God who loves us.
As a child, I remember the purple banners hanging up in the church in the weeks before Easter and people giving up bad habits for Lent. I would watch Jesus of Nazareth every year without fully comprehending what was unfolding on the screen. I squirmed as Jesus was whipped and nailed to the cross. As I became older, I had a difficult time with the violence and stopped watching movies based on His crucifixion. Today, my devotionals have led me to the crucifixion in God’s Word and what it means in my life. Admittedly, I become emotional when I read of His grief leading up to His arrest, the flogging and how the soldiers cast lots over His garments. It took the loss of my oldest son to fully comprehend the impact of the crucifixion and resurrection of our Lord on our lives today.
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Jesus died so we could live. He took the guilt and sin of the world upon His shoulders because He loved us deeply and so we can enjoy eternal life with Him after we die. Until recently, I didn’t fully know the power and significance of His resurrection because I have been stuck on the crucifixion – not only His but my own. I have focused on the negative, on my mistakes and my past. I have resisted healing from my loss out of fear of forgetting Christian – the sound of his voice, his strength, kindness and how he made me laugh.
Christian at the Lewistown Fair
I began my Lenten journey with a booklet with a dragonfly on the front. It stated Be Ye Transformed on the front. I have learned that Lent isn’t just a waiting period from Ash Wednesday to Easter. It is a period of metamorphosis – of letting go of negativity and false beliefs so we can receive the Truth and fully come to know the love of God.
“Just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.” (Romans 6:4)
When we went to the cemetery to visit our boy today, it was sunny and we could hear western meadowlarks in the distance. A chickadee, which happened to be one of Christian’s favorite birds, landed in the tree next to us and sang a bit. As the sun warmed my face, I thought of Christian in heaven, with his favorite animals by his side, sitting in a mountain meadow surrounded by mountains surpassing any of ours in beauty and size. I didn’t shed any tears until a woman drove up to visit a grave across from ours. The age of the young man buried there isn’t far off from Christians. I cried as I watched her approach the headstone and kneel in front of it. “I know” I thought as we drove away, leaving her some privacy.
One of my favorite scriptures is John 10:10, when Jesus said “I came that they may have life, and have it to the full.” What does it mean to have a full life? It means greeting each day with gratitude and ending our “I AM” with powerful, positive words. It means fully accepting and enjoying ourselves, opening our hearts to God’s abundance and never giving up.
As 2016 came to a close, I made a choice to let go of the past and keep my sights on what lies ahead. I decided to do my best to only look back if I needed to smile or laugh. I always love the prospect of a new beginning, a fresh start to the new year. I have never been one to make New Year’s resolutions; however, I believe in the power of intention and adopting new and empowering beliefs.
When we make a resolution for the new year or a new intention, what if we were to begin by believing that we are enough just as we are, that we are loved more than we could ever imagine or that we are worthy of the best things in life?
Rather than focus on the pain and difficulty of 2016, I want to take the lessons learned as well as the joyful memories. I have learned the importance of gratitude, acceptance and compassion. With each passing day without my son, I realize more and more how precious life is – a gift to be cherished and enjoyed.
The other morning, I came across the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. I decided that the words of this prayer would mirror my New Year’s resolution.
This prayer is an antidote to depression because it helps us to look outside of ourselves and in doing so, we may realize that our problems are not as monumental as they seem. It also reminds us that by serving and loving others, we become God’s hands and feet.
Thank you for reading my blog in 2016. I hope to post more frequently and most of all I hope to bring a ray of sunshine to someone’s day. I hope you had a wonderful New Years and wish you a prosperous 2017!
I grew up in the age of vinyl. My parents had 8 tracks and a player but I went straight for the vinyl. I had my own little record player in my room. I enjoyed listening to my Disney collection, Sesame Street Christmas, and 20 Power Hits albums. My favorite songs off of the 20 Power Hits were Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Green Eyed Lady by Sugarloaf. On my parent’s player downstairs, I listened to Creedence Clearwater Revival, Elton John and Wayne Newton. I developed a crush on Wayne, as I listened to him and stared at his album cover. This was before Bon Jovi came into the picture.
8-track-shack.com
I remember the first cassette I bought – Look What the Cat Dragged In by Poison. I was fascinated because the cassette was clear. My all time favorite cassette was Def Leppard’s Hysteria. That was the first album I ever bought the day it came out. I also bought it on vinyl and I still own it. By the time CD’s entered the picture, I didn’t own a record player and honestly didn’t think much about vinyl. They were never in the stores and the only time I ever saw them was at my parent’s house. The first time my boys saw my parent’s records, they came upstairs exclaiming “Look Mom! Giant CD’s!”
A few years ago, my husband bought me a Music Hall record player for Christmas. He also surprised me with a few new vinyls to start out with. I was ecstatic!
A few weeks ago, a friend of my husband revealed that he had a large collection of vinyl and he wouldn’t mind lending me a few at a time to listen to. He had worked in a record store when he was young and since vinyl could be bought for less than $5 during that time, he ended up with quite a collection. These past few weeks have been a musical journey through time.
I will never forget listening to David Bowie’s Young Americans. David Bowie’s voice filled every room in my house. Among the albums I have been blessed to hear so far are The Fox by Elton John, Dire Straits, Face Value by Phil Collins, Flat as a Pancake by Head East, Loggins and Messina, Dr. Hook, Foghat, Foreigner, and my favorite so far – Donald Fagen’s The Nightfly. He told me Donald Fagen was a huge part of Steely Dan but I didn’t recognize any of the songs. As soon as the needle dropped, I was almost out of my seat as I.G.Y. started playing. If you are scatching your head and wondering what song that is, I almost bet if you start playing it on You Tube or Spotify you’ll say “I have heard that song!” I loved that album so much that I bought a used copy of it from Amazon.
youtube.com
Nothing compares to the sound of vinyl. There is a rawness and a richness that I don’t hear when I play songs from my iTunes library. Sadly, new vinyl is expensive – some albums costing over $30, however it is more worth the cost when they come with a free digital download.
Even if vinyl is not available, it is well worth it to join other people on their musical journeys as they grew up. You may be surprised to hear a song you loved growing up!
This prayer is an antidote to depression because it helps us to look outside of ourselves and in doing so, we may realize that our problems are not as monumental as they seem. It also reminds us that by serving and loving others, we become God’s hands and feet.
The road less traveled 