The state bird of Montana is the Western Meadowlark
When we moved into our first home in 2001, our realtor bought us a bird feeder. I had never fed wild birds before but soon after, I found a perfect spot to hang it right outside of our dining room window. At first a few sparrows would show up, but if they saw any movement at all on the other side of the window they would dart away. I was told that they just needed to get used to us. The sparrows would take a few days to empty the feeder and I slowly became consistent in making sure the feeder was filled.
In sub zero temperatures I would sometimes feed them twice a day.
It didn’t take long for all of the birds in the vicinity to find out where the grub was located. I started to fill the feeder daily and there were times in the winter when they would empty the feeder in about an hour! Over the years our checklist of sighted birds has grown. The number of finches and doves has grown each year. An american goldfinch passes through and so do red winged blackbirds. We really enjoy the babies in the spring.
Feeding the birds is costly, especially when they gobble it up, and it can also be messy and a hassle. The benefits outweigh the work. My two sons were disabled and over the years it became more difficult to leave the house. We learned to find pleasure in the simple things – watching the birds. We have seen the finch population increase with each passing year and have also seen more doves. Chickadees frequent our feeder as well and they are the friendliest.
The summer before my oldest son, Christian, passed away, we had an abundance of birds. He loved grackles and we had an abundance of them feasting and causing mayhem in the backyard. The mourning dove population exploded with most of them perching on the power line in the alley. We also have Eurasian collared doves. Most of the time less than 10 will be here enjoying the safflower seed off of the sidewalk. In the later part of summer, I looked out back and to my astonishment, there were 20 of them back there!
We had almost daily visits from this hawk last winter.
The winter after my son passed away was the darkest, coldest winter we had ever experienced. The sparrows and finches gave us comfort when they were brave enough to visit the feeder and risk being snatched up by the hawk that lurked in my yard. Today they cannot eat the food fast enough because the babies are very demanding. It is such a joy to watch the parent finches watch over and feed their babies at my feeders. My son Andrew and I believe that Christian is sending us birds to comfort us and to let us know that he is okay. Over the last couple of days, we have had 2 doves perch on the lift right outside the dining room window and stare at us.
A male house finch at liftoff.
If you have a disabled parent or family member who is unable to leave the home frequently, a bird feeder is an excellent idea. It is an easy, joyful form of entertainment and is something we will always enjoy and find comfort in.
Laundry. Something that never goes away. Just when we think we are all caught up, in the blink of an eye it’s “five feet high and rising”. Whether it’s something we do once a week or once a day, we usually do not look forward to it.
During Christian’s last year his care took more time and so did the laundry. It was something I had the hardest time keeping up with. I had a system worked out but as caregiving demands grew, time to do laundry became scarce. When I folded the boys’ clothes, I always had 6 pairs of pants, 6 shirts, etc. The number of any item of the boys that I folded was always an even set number. When Christian passed away last October, one of the hardest things for me to do, along with setting the table and setting out pills, was laundry. The reasons, of course, were completely different. For one thing, it was easier and took less time because there was less clothes. What was once even and in sets of 6 became odd and in sets of 3. This made me feel guilty. For another, I missed folding his clothes: His Jeff Gordon t-shirt which he wore every race day, his Call of Duty shirt which I always liked the feel of and I thought looked great on him and all of his Star Wars shirts. Christian’s Star Wars shirts defined what he was most passionate about, which defined him.
We set Christian’s Jeff Gordon t-shirt out for the Daytona 500Most of his t-shirts were Star Wars themed
Today when I folded the darks, I had 3 shirts and 3 pairs of pants. I began to feel sad but felt a little better when I looked up at Christian’s Samus (from Super Metroid) poster that I hung up above the folding table. I realized that I was thankful that I still had Drew’s and Dave’s clothes to launder and as long as I am washing them and folding them, it means they are still in my life. Maybe laundry wouldn’t be such a chore if we viewed it as an act of love.
Last August, my younger sister, Sherry, called me in a flurry of excitement. Interpol was going to be playing in Denver September 27 at the Ogden Theatre! I could hardly believe it and I also didn’t see how I could possibly pull this off. With the boys’ needs I was lucky to go to the grocery store or run errands. I had to fly. This was a sticking point with me because I am not fond of flying and it would be for only one night. I decided that I was not going. My oldest son, Christian, kept encouraging me but I wouldn’t budge, especially since I would have to take Dramamine. If you have taken it you are probably familiar with the drowsiness that accompanies the relief. I kept going back and forth until Christian told me that if it was his favorite band he would go. It breaks my heart that he never went to a concert. We live in an area of the nation that does not get much action where music is concerned. He enjoyed listening to Wiz Khalifa, Nas and his favorite musician was Kid Cudi. After he said that I booked the tickets.
I was nervous and excited as I waited to board the plane. I even had the song picked out that I would listen to as we took off – “Anywhere” off of the El Pintor album. We landed safely less than 3 hours later and my sister and brother-in-law picked me up. Before I knew it, we were in line. They had a promotion for people who owned a Samsung phone and luckily, my sister had one. We were able to go to the front of the line! It was awesome!
You see that Interpol poster behind us? My sister, the ultimate haggler, talked one of the employees into letting us have two of them! It was all meant to be!
The opening act, Rey Pila, was awesome. They are out of New Mexico and they rocked. The bass in the Ogden is so strong that it literally jars your insides. I was so pumped to see my favorite band! When Sam Fogarino, Daniel Kessler and Paul Banks took to the stage I was beside myself! They sounded exactly how I imagined – AWESOME! They played a lot of their new music along with my favorites off of their older albums. Paul Banks sounded incredible, Sam had so much energy on the drums and Daniel Kessler rocked the house on his guitar!
My sister and I had the best time at the concert and we also visited the record store next door. We had a ball. She found a vintage Pink Panther record and I found some flawless Dean Martin records among others.
The flight home was wonderful. I listened to my El Pintor album and looked out the window the whole way. The view was outstanding.
I would have never gone to the concert if it wasn’t for my son. He lost so much over his last years of life as he dealt with more pain. I knew that I needed to overcome my fear of flying and just do it. I had no idea, however, that Christian would pass away exactly a month later on October 27. Now, whenever I have memories of the concert, I will remember that I did it for him.
The night before Christian passed, he asked me about one of my albums by Paul Banks, Skyscraper. It was the last music Christian ever talked about with me and he loved so much different music. When we had to plan his funeral, I included the Madrid Song and On the Esplanade off of the Skyscraper album. Both songs are beautiful and I understand why Christian mentioned the album. I made a slideshow and used these two songs and it was absolutely beautiful.
Music is such a large part of our daily lives and it was everything to Christian. We had to stay home a lot and it helped to brighten many days. I am thankful to have come across such a wonderful band. Thank you Paul, Daniel and Sam for expressing yourselves in your music and enriching our lives.
It has been well over a year since my last post. So much has changed, especially of late. On October 27, in the early hours of the morning, my oldest son, Christian, went to heaven. My heart broke into a million pieces that day.
These past weeks have been a blur. I have felt more pain and emotion than I ever thought possible, sometimes in the span of 5 minutes. I have also felt parts of my soul stir that I didn’t even know existed. For the first few days, I couldn’t even think straight enough to pray or read scripture. Thankfully I have been able to focus more and I have made sure to keep God’s Word close by. I have relied on God more heavily than I have ever before and prayed more than ever.
They say that when we lose someone we love, we are never the same. We have to adjust to a new normal. I can honestly say I am not the same. I am broken, tired, confused, angry and lost. On the other hand, I have felt love grow in my heart – love for Christian, God, my husband and my younger son, Andrew. You see, Christian was more than a son. He was my best friend (wow, I just cried for the first time in public). He was also my rock, my inspiration. He left me everything that was good about him – good and perfect. He left me his courage, love, more love, his beautiful smile, his humor and his love of music. I can hardly listen to a song without thinking of him.
The past year has been difficult but I am thankful for all of it – the constant caregiving, sore legs and feet from standing all day, the fear, aggravation. It all made me a better person and taught me to enjoy the little, often overlooked things in life – a sparrow on the feeder, the full moon, a funny shaped cloud in the sky or sunlight on the wall. Christian made me realize that I do not need material possessions to be happy and satisfied. In Christian’s last year of his life, he only spent less than $100 on himself. He enjoyed buying gifts for others and watching their expressions when they opened them. Christian was in a lot of pain the last year and a half of his life and wasn’t able to go out of the house much. As a result, he read books on his iPhone, played video games (Metroid and racing games were his favorites), listened to some good music and watched movies. Tom Cruise was his favorite actor and he watched Live, Die, Repeat the weekend before he passed. His love of NASCAR inspired me to love it too. I so wanted his favorite driver, Jeff Gordon, to win the Chase but instead I bawled as he duked it out with my driver, Brad Keslowski. What a mess.
I know that eventually, I will cross the stormy sea of grief and I will surely lean into the storm so I can keep moving ahead. God will be with me every step of the way. As I heal, I will be inspired by Christian. He will always be with me until I see him again. He is inspiring me to keep listening to music, especially vinyl, start drawing and painting and play the piano again. He inspires me to continue taking care of myself and my husband and son. He inspires me to help others and bless others, just as he did every single day of his life. Not a person came away from Christian without being moved my his love, grace and smile. I will love him for all time. I will be posting on my blog more and I hope I will inspire you and move you. I love you and thank you for reading and I hope a part of Christian will also be with you.
Today I started writing in a brand new journal. Even though I had a few pages left on my previous journal, I just had to start fresh in my new one. I am certain that I am not the only one who is trying to figure out what my new year’s resolutions will be. I want to call them goals instead. When I think of resolutions, I think of someone wanting to lose weight, quit smoking or give up drinking coffee (over my dead body – hah!).
I read an entry in my devotional, Faith in the Valley by Iyanla Vanzant, and it resonated with me. She said that our skin cells, our hair and other parts of our body are not the same parts that we had a week ago, a month ago or a year ago. Without our intervention, our physical bodies are ever-changing, not always the way we want them to either. (I find more and more gray hairs every week.) Iyanla said that one thing that does not change on it’s own is our mind. Do we have the same attitude and do we have the same thoughts that we had years ago and have they held us back from the life we truly deserve to live? In my case the answer is yes. What if we decide to be more of who we are, take better care of ourselves, love ourselves and others, and express more kindness and gratitude instead? Once we do these things, wouldn’t that make it easier to lose weight or eat healthier? Maybe it’s better to start within.
Today the sun was shining and I felt blessed to have a day with my family. What are my hopes for 2014? For my oldest son to be in less pain from his MD, that perhaps we will find good help with my sons and that we would love each other just a little more every day. I hope to post more in my blog, read more books, do more crossword puzzles and listen to more great music on my new turntable. I wish you all the very best life can offer in 2014!
On October 21, I was blessed to see my favorite band, Two Door Cinema Club, in concert with my sister in Denver! My husband surprised me with tickets last June. Being a full time caregiver, my going out consists of books and coffee at my favorite coffee house, errands or some occasional shopping. It had been years since I was able to get away by myself – for 4 nights! I rented a car, a Nissan Sentra, plugged in my Two Door Cinema Club playlist and away I went! It took me a couple of hours to relax and get used to not seeing anyone in the back seat. I rarely go anywhere in a vehicle by myself so this was a new thing for me! It was about the time I reached the wind farm by Judith Gap that it started to sink in that I was on a trip by myself! Yes!
Everything went smoothly until I missed the turnoff for Billings by Lavina. I ended up close to Roundup so I was about 45 minutes out of the way. I eventually made it to Billings, passed the ramp for I-90 only once and it was interstate all the way to my sister’s house. I didn’t leave home until 2:00 so it was getting dark by the time I saw Billings in my rearview. I continued to enjoy my tunes and had to turn them up louder once I reached I-25. This portion of I-25 is straight and I was beginning to feel drowsy. After almost hitting a huge porcupine and seeing only 4 deer along the entire drive, I made it to Douglas.
My sister, Sherry, and I had Sunday to relax before our big day in Denver. She is a volunteer firefighter so she showed me around the station. This gave me a visual of what she deals with and I really admire her and her husband, Pat, for what they do. I had the privilege of meeting Sherry’s good friend, J.J., and her two wonderful sons. I visited with my niece and nephew and briefly saw my brother-in-law between his workdays. I went to bed that night very relaxed and thankful for family and new friends.
My niece and nephew, Alex & JarynJ.J. and her oldest son, Sill
We left for Denver early and arrived in Fort Collins in time for lunch. We ate at Mad Greens which was delicious. It was located close to the university and the trees were golden with the light of autumn. Once we got back onto the interstate, traffic started to become heavier and more lanes were appearing. I am a Montana girl not used to city driving, so I had to keep telling myself to chill out. We used Siri on my iPhone as we started to approach Denver. My stomach started doing flip flops when downtown Denver came into view. Next thing I knew, I could see Coors Field and we were approaching Colfax Avenue, which is where our hotel and the Ogden Theatre is located. It went smoothly except for the old woman who drove her wheelchair into the middle of the intersection I was approaching and the red light I had to run because I didn’t even know it was there! By the time we reached our hotel, I was nauseated, relieved and excited. I kept telling myself, this is it! I am actually going to see my favorite band tonight!
We had plenty of time to walk down to a record store right next to the Ogden Theatre and grab a bite to eat at an Irish eatery. We went back to the hotel and I could hardly sit still for all of the excitement. We left early and there was already a line. Most of the people in line had big X’s on their hands for under 21 and my sister and I were one of the few with over 21 bracelets on.
Me and Sherry
At one point while we were standing in line, we saw two guys run by that looked like they were straight out of the 70’s. We laughed a little and continued waiting for the doors to open. We were fairly close to the front of the line so we were able to stand in the front section. We eagerly waited for things to start and I was surprised at how close we were to the stage. I could hear a lot of excitement building for one of the opening acts, St. Lucia, who I had never heard before.
Peace
It was 8:00 and the opening act came out! I looked at the lead singer and lead guitarist and my jaw dropped! They were the two guys who ran by us earlier. Come to find out, they were straight out of England – Peace was the name of their band. They were very good. We laughed at ourselves for not knowing who they were. As St. Lucia’s turn was approaching, I could feel the energy in the crowd building. Sherry and I had to hold our stance and keep our place in the front section. The Ogden is smaller so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Only one guy tried to cut in front of us and Sherry pretty much told him where to go. Not many will press their luck with her – she is tough as nails.
St. Lucia
I am surprised to this day how much I remember about St. Lucia – their enthusiasm, energy, the music and more. As I listen to Elevate at this moment, I feel like I am there. Everyone of them looked so happy and full of life. It was impossible to stand still as I watched the beautiful woman in front of me play the keyboards, shake the tambourine and jam out. Once they were finished, the drummer threw out his drumsticks. Some girls next to us were fighting over one and Sherry took her chance. They all knew better than to try grabbing it back! I am happy to say that it is safely sitting on my piano as I write this.
Alex Trimble of Two Door Cinema Club
The set up for Two Door Cinema Club took the longest. I could hardly contain myself. The girls in front of us left to meet St. Lucia and next thing I knew, Sherry pushed me up into the spot they were in. I was right up front!!! The lights went out, fog began to rise and I could see them entering the stage. My eyes started to water! Next thing I knew, Alex Trimble was up there and the bassist, Kevin Baird, was right in front of us! I could feel the music in every cell of my body and as I listened to the songs that were so familiar to me, I was amazed to see it all unfolding in front of me. The music was flawless and I couldn’t stand still. Sherry had to take most of the pictures because I couldn’t stop dancing!
Sam Halliday played on the opposite side of the stage. He looked like he was having a blast!
Once it was over, Sherry and I could feel our age. We were sore and tired. That night I awoke around 3:00 and I still had adrenaline. It took me over an hour to go back to sleep.
We enjoyed the rest of our time in Denver at a cute consignment shop on Colfax and a small coffee house across the street. The drive back to Wyoming was relaxing and the weather was beautiful.
The morning I left was so hard, as I knew it would be. I cried in private as I packed and didn’t waste too much time leaving since I had a 9 hour drive ahead of me. I kept myself together until I hugged my niece and nephew again. I bawled as I said goodbye and Alex, my niece, said they were tears of joy. I look back on it today and realize that she was right. They were tears of joy for an experience I will remember for the rest of my life – the concert, the time with my sister and meeting new friends. I took several pictures and will keep them close, saving them until I need them most. I may not be able to do something like this again for some time. My sons’ disease is progressive and I find them needing more and more help. My husband is the greatest guy on the planet for taking such good care of them while I was away. I may have been annoying for a while after I returned, showing off my photos and talking about the concert, but it’s only because I have given so much up since I left my career in 2005. This more than made up for it and I will always be thankful!
Remember when you first learned how to swim? Most of us walked into the shallow end and gradually made our way into deeper waters. This works just fine when we are learning how to swim but I have found in life that taking the deeper end is better. One of my favorite bands, Two Door Cinema Club, has a song called Beacon. A line from that song resonated with me and it has stuck ever since I first heard it:
Take the deep end, swim till you can’t stand
cuz it will make a difference in the end.
After finding out that my two sons have Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, I made a decision to help them grow up as normal as possible. I kept them in school until 10th and 11th grade and they went to regular class. Unfortunately, I had to withdraw them from school for health reasons and help them earn their G.E.D.s. They participated in field trips, had friends over to play, went swimming and even rode horses. They did homework, played clarinets in band and were like any other teenager despite their physical limitations. It may have been easier to throw my hands into the air and put them into special education, but I knew that would not be the best in the long run.
I still run into situations almost everyday when I have to remind myself to take the deep end. There are many evenings when I do not feel like cooking but I know that giving them convenient junk will only accelerate their disease. I was not the “cool” mom who let her kids drink soda and eat tons of sugar. I knew early on that it would only make their futures worse. Yesterday morning, I did not want to clean my house. I did it anyway because doing just one thing can make the world a better place – whether it’s something big like helping a disabled child through school or something small like picking an object off of the floor for someone. I was floored when my youngest son, Andrew, told me that he would drop a pencil onto the floor only for another kid to just look at it and walk away. We need to teach each other to help and to care. We need to take the deep end because it will make a difference in the end.
How many parts of our days are really quiet? No TV, loud music, phones ringing or people talking. Unless you live in a remote part of the countryside or another planet, there is not much silence in our daily lives.
Silence. Some of us long for it, and some of us fear it (my thoughts can drive me nuts at times). I long for it and I have for years, especially as my sons’ care has become more demanding. I use the hours of the early morning to sit in silence while I sip my fresh ground coffee. I try to make a conscious connection with God as I pray and read His word. In the summer, it’s nice to feel the cool air on my skin before the sun comes up and heats it all up. I used to hear a bird, a killdeer, every morning at 4:30. My favorite birds to hear in the wee hours of the morning are mourning doves.
Here’s the problem – the snooze bar. The snooze bar has become my enemy and I have let it rob me of these precious, early morning moments, and it often ruins my morning. As a caregiver, I need to have something to give to my sons when I get them up and without my fill of early morning time with God, I end up beginning the day on an empty tank. Admittedly, I hit the snooze bar at least once during the night (my sons have to be turned and repositioned) and numerous times in the morning. The sleep I end up getting is worthless because I am waking up every 7 to 9 minutes. Here’s the kicker – my alarm clock is not next to my bed. That’s right, I have to hop out of bed to hit snooze and that doesn’t stop me. Why are habits so ruthless?
Life is precious – every moment, every hug and every smile from my loved ones. I don’t want to waste another minute of it because I was a grumpy butt from not taking silent time before sunrise. I know it sounds crazy but it really does work. My days are much smoother and I am not as tired when I am up before the birds. We should all have a little time to ourselves in the morning – to reflect, pray, slowly sip some coffee, take a longer shower, whatever. I will conclude with a short, but powerful quote.
The morning breeze has secrets to tell you, don’t go back to sleep. ~ Rumi
I’m baaack! I must admit, I was pretty shocked when I noticed how long it had been since I lasted posted. I convinced myself that I did not have time and did not need to write in my blog. It is amazing how if we tell ourselves something enough times, we will really start to believe it. A phrase I have seen many times states that “we become what we think about”. Our attitude really does make our world. It can make or break our day.
I have recently joined the gym after wanting to go back for several years. It was humbling after my first workout. I ended up very sore and tired. With anything new, it’s easy to fall prey to fearful thoughts. I payed for an entire year up front and I have asked myself several times if that was a mistake. I have been in the same routine for so long that it has become a rut. I spent so many days at a time at home caregiving, cleaning etc. that when I actually did get out, I was a little shocked.
The truth is, I need the exercise, we all do. It keeps us strong and less prone to injury and combats depression and anxiety. I know it will improve my life so long as I keep on keeping on! As I continue on this journey, doors will open, opportunities will present themselves and the walls I have built up will begin to fall.
I am one of those people who cannot drive or walk while doing something else. Like a dummy, I was walking down my basement stairs and looking at a calendar. Next thing I knew, my feet slipped and I fell down a couple stairs and landed on the bottom. I hurt a little so I took some ibuprofen and went to bed. Everything was fine until a couple days later. Searing pain up and down my left leg, swelling and twitching all over my leg. This was almost a couple weeks ago and I am still in pain. Most of it is from the MD but just as equally to blame is my lack of self care.
This has been a real eye opener for me. Honestly, it scared me into wondering how long I can continue taking care of the boys. I want to last, I really do, and I most certainly will not at this pace. It’s only a matter of time.
What to do. What to do. I am pretty sure the house will not be condemned if it is not spotless and we will always have clothes to wear if I get behind in the wash.
Fear is what keeps me from letting things go and taking care of myself first – making sure I take time each day to work towards my goals and dreams. We must have faith that so long as we do our very best, God will handle the rest. Truth is, I am of no use to God or my loved ones if I am toast.
In order to love others, we must be filled with God’s love. In order to properly care for those we love, we must first take care of ourselves. I must do it for God, myself, my loved ones and the world. How much more beautiful would our world be if we would stop running ourselves ragged, pumped by our anxieties and fears? Very beautiful indeed!
