A Tune in my Heart

After work today, I met my husband and son for dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant.  I think we all have one of those.  Our favorite restaurant serves authentic cuisine and  warm corn chips.  Afterward, they were off to play poker and I reluctantly headed home.  Alone isn’t a bad thing, but coming home to a quiet, empty house is a painful reminder of the loss.  Over Christian’s life, the most time he ever spent away from me was during MDA summer camp which lasted for a week.  When you care for a child with special needs, you develop a deeper connection, especially when you physically care for them 24/7.  When Christian passed away I felt like I was thrown into an alternate universe.  After 16 months I have become used to the new normal, but I still have moments when the realization that Christian isn’t with us makes my world turn on it’s side for a bit.  Over time the dizzying effect doesn’t last as long but it will never be easy, just bearable.

Almost every time I have found myself alone in the house missing my boy, I turn on the music.  Christian had so much passion for music.  He enjoyed 90’s rap like NAS, current rap like Wiz Khalifa and Kid Cudi, and classics such as the Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney.  He talked me into buying several vinyls during the last year of his life.  He encouraged me to buy the vinyl even though I had the CD because the quality would be worth it.  Christian even talked me into buying music that he knew I enjoyed but he didn’t much care for either way.  He grew to enjoy a lot of my favorite alternative bands like Interpol and Bare Hands.

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One of my prettier vinyls by Blondefire

They say that it changes a person when someone you love dies.  That is an understatement.  I felt hollowed out for the longest time and had to rediscover who I was.  I was a caregiver for both boys for over 10 years.  It took me weeks, even months, to stop setting out two sets of pills at mealtime.  Not all of the changes have been negative.  I would never have believed it if someone told me I would gain anything from losing someone who was as much a part of me as Christian was.

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I took this photo at Crystal Lake last summer.

When I see a beautiful sunset, I see so much more than what I used to see.  I see something amazing and holy.  I feel a stirring inside of me that I have never felt.  I see and feel God when I see the rays shining through the clouds, the chickadee in the pine tree, the beautiful pattern on the carpet at work from the sun shining through the window or when I see the stars in the sky.  I feel a joy inside that I can’t explain when I look at things that to another person, may seem like nothing.  It makes me feel guilty at times.  How can I have moments of joy after losing my son and watching Andrew deal with the same complications as Christian did?

When we lean on the Lord, the amazing happens.  The journey of grief is far from easy but we do not have to endure it alone.  God heals us.  God loves us.

As I listened to a song by Deathcab for Cutie, which Christian also enjoyed, I heard guitar melodies I didn’t hear before.  Music touches me at a deeper level, bringing me to tears or making me want to get up and dance (listen to Stolen Dance by Milky Chance and you’ll know what I mean).  Just knowing Christian and caring for him has given me a deep appreciation for life.  I want to reach out and help those who have lost a loved one and I pray and I cry for them.  I will not waste my pain.  Instead I will find a way to help in a way that I know Christian would be proud of.  I hope my posts offer a bit of hope and remind you that you are never alone.

 

 

Skyscraper

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Last August, my younger sister, Sherry, called me in a flurry of excitement.  Interpol was going to be playing in Denver September 27 at the Ogden Theatre!  I could hardly believe it and I also didn’t see how I could possibly pull this off.  With the boys’ needs I was lucky to go to the grocery store or run errands.  I had to fly.  This was a sticking point with me because I am not fond of flying and it would be for only one night.  I decided that I was not going.  My oldest son, Christian, kept encouraging me but I wouldn’t budge, especially since I would have to take Dramamine.  If you have taken it you are probably familiar with the drowsiness that accompanies the relief.  I kept going back and forth until Christian told me that if it was his favorite band he would go.  It breaks my heart that he never went to a concert.  We live in an area of the nation that does not get much action where music is concerned.  He enjoyed listening to Wiz Khalifa, Nas and his favorite musician was Kid Cudi.  After he said that I booked the tickets.

I was nervous and excited as I waited to board the plane.  I even had the song picked out that I would listen to as we took off – “Anywhere” off of the El Pintor album.  We landed safely less than 3 hours later and my sister and brother-in-law picked me up.  Before I knew it, we were in line.  They had a promotion for people who owned a Samsung phone and luckily, my sister had one.  We were able to go to the front of the line!  It was awesome!

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You see that Interpol poster behind us?  My sister, the ultimate haggler, talked one of the employees into letting us have two of them!  It was all meant to be!

The opening act, Rey Pila, was awesome.  They are out of New Mexico and they rocked.  The bass in the Ogden is so strong that it literally jars your insides.  I was so pumped to see my favorite band!  When Sam Fogarino, Daniel Kessler and Paul Banks took to the stage I was beside myself!  They sounded exactly how I imagined – AWESOME!  They played a lot of their new music along with my favorites off of their older albums.  Paul Banks sounded incredible, Sam had so much energy on the drums and Daniel Kessler rocked the house on his guitar!

IMG_0129My sister and I had the best time at the concert and we also visited the record store next door.  We had a ball. She found a vintage Pink Panther record and I found some flawless Dean Martin records among others.

IMG_0217The flight home was wonderful.  I listened to my El Pintor album and looked out the window the whole way.  The view was outstanding.

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I would have never gone to the concert if it wasn’t for my son.  He lost so much over his last years of life as he dealt with more pain.  I knew that I needed to overcome my fear of flying and just do it.  I had no idea, however, that Christian would pass away exactly a month later on October 27.  Now, whenever I have memories of the concert, I will remember that I did it for him.

The night before Christian passed, he asked me about one of my albums by Paul Banks, Skyscraper.  It was the last music Christian ever talked about with me and he loved so much different music.  When we had to plan his funeral, I included the Madrid Song and On the Esplanade off of the Skyscraper album.  Both songs are beautiful and I understand why Christian mentioned the album.  I made a slideshow and used these two songs and it was absolutely beautiful.

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Music is such a large part of our daily lives and it was everything to Christian.  We had to stay home a lot and it helped to brighten many days.  I am thankful to have come across such a wonderful band.  Thank you Paul, Daniel and Sam for expressing yourselves in your music and enriching our lives.