God – The road less traveled

Unimaginable Love

In my therapy session yesterday, we talked about self-worth. My therapist said that when a baby is born, he or she has self-worth. We are all born with it. When the baby poops, she is not concerned about the smell and the mess. When he is hungry at 3 a.m., he is not concerned about waking up his parents.

As we all know, we go through our childhood and adulthood experiencing things that question and undermine our worth. For some of us, it can be traumatic – abuse, alcoholism in the home or neglect. For others it can be bullying at school or an adult figure who says something hurtful. Most of us are unaware of the strongholds and bondage that starts to form in our hearts and minds as we face situations over and over that undermine our feelings of worthiness.

For myself, there was not any love or validation in the home as I grew up. I do not harbor feelings of resentment towards my parents or grandparents because they were not able to give out what they did not have. They did the best they could with what they had at the time. I love them and am thankful that they made sure I had clothes, plenty to eat and for the things we did together as a family – camping, fishing, watching movies etc.

In school, being dark-skinned and looking a little different than the other kids, I was made fun of into my high school years. Kids made slanted eyes at me and chanted hurtful songs, excluded me, and were mean to me. In high school, my coach made a comment about me being a joke. This only made me work harder and become more successful in the sports I was involved in. I developed a rebellious streak and drank alcohol, violated curfew, and destroyed property, to name a few of the things I did to relieve the anxiety I was feeling.

I carried this into my adulthood and it manifested into a deep sense of insecurity. I cared way too much about what people thought and I became a professional people pleaser. I went to bars and partied to be accepted and I worked entirely too hard at home and at work. My worth became tied to receiving approval from others and in tangible accomplishments.

I recently joined New City Church and as I have surrendered my life to Jesus, doors have been opening left and right. I now enjoy fellowship with other women and am making friends. I am part of a church body full of the most loving, genuine people I have ever met along with leaders who truly care about the congregation! I am humbled to the point of tears for these blessings being poured out.

Even with all of these blessings, in church of all places, the enemy has been lying to me. He has been telling me I don’t belong and there is something wrong with me. He told me that if they knew the things I have done and the thoughts that go through my head they would reject me. The enemy is very patient (I learned from Joyce Meyer) and he starts to plant seeds in us at a very young age. These seeds eventually become chains of bondage, also known as strongholds.

In a conversation with my best friend yesterday, she pointed out to me that my low feelings of worthiness have become a stronghold in my life. When we have these areas of bondage in our lives, it gives the devil access to our soul. It’s only when we break free and learn the truth that we can kick him out and send him packing.

I started studying scriptures on our God-given worth. I read Isaiah 43:4. This scripture went deep into my core and I broke down in tears: “Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for you life.” Something came loose in my soul and my heart opened to God’s love like never before. A song by Cory Asbury called Reckless Love https://youtu.be/Sc6SSHuZvQE?si=3Onwe7b5XnqFeBF5 came to my mind and I was truly humbled.

From Genesis to Revelation, God’s love is written all over His Word. By sending His Son to die on the cross so we can have relationship with Him is the ultimate expression of God’s Love:

John 3:16 NIV
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

When we open our hearts to His love and accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, our life will be transformed. His love heals us, brings joy and miracles into our lives and opens doors we never imagined would open. We see our worth in Him and not in what man says about us. We become who God created us to be and begin living out a love walk that becomes an example to others and gives them hope. Revealing God’s love to others becomes our mission and discipleship. Chains are broken and we become free!

Light Shines Brighter in the Darkness

What would I say to the part of me that has been in the dark for so many years? What does she need and how did she end up there?

These are questions I am asking after writing in my journal this morning. My therapist and I have been using a method of therapy called Internal Family Systems during my healing journey.

We all have a little family in our hearts and/or minds. This includes our inner child, maybe a teenage version of ourselves, a fearful or insecure version, an angry version of us etc. I will not go into too much detail because I am not a therapist and I don’t want to put myself or you to sleep.

With the help of my therapist, I have been connecting with these parts of myself and finding out what they need. For example, our inner child needs to know she is safe and loved if she didn’t receive this growing up. This video is very moving and perfectly shows our relationship with our inner child and how she eventually can be freed https://youtu.be/V6ui161NyTg?si=oTDTIjRLHTjwJxdz.

A pond is so much more beautiful before the sand on the bottom is stirred up, making the water foggy. In the moment, it feels so much easier to leave everything in the dark – past trauma, mistakes, sins and things that stir up shame. The problem is that leaving them in the dark keeps us in bondage. We cannot be truly free if we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Jesus said in John 8:32: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The energy it takes to haul around the baggage of our past sins, mistakes and trauma wears us down and keeps us from living life to the fullest. Jesus came so that we may have life and live it to the fullest (John 10:10).

By cleaning the dirt off of the windows so light can shine into the dark recesses of my soul, I am giving my body, mind, soul and spirit a chance to heal. Being vulnerable is never comfortable but without it we will never get out of the darkness. Jesus did not hang on the cross so we would live imprisoned by our sins, mistakes or shame. He loves us beyond measure, and wants to have a personal relationship with all of us. By letting the light into every dark corner of our lives we can experience the peace of Christ like never before.

The part of me that has been living in the dark for years upon years is afraid of the light but she is tired of being alone. She also wants to experience peace and joy. There is no lightswitch to turn on an overhead light and deal with it all at once – that isn’t realistic or healthy. Each day, another candle is lit, another window is cleaned and the chains are slowly breaking. Freedom is on the way.

Goodbye is Not the End

Eleven years ago today, my Christian went to be with the Lord. In the days and weeks leading up to today I have experienced sadness, anxiety, dread and other complicated emotions. At the same time, some amazing things have been taking place in my life.

Last weekend I was baptized and yesterday, I made a commitment to New City Church. I have joined a small bible study group and made new friends! I have witnessed leaves floating through the sky and gently rocking back and forth before they land softly on the ground, fall reflections off of the Missouri River, smiles from people I have never met, comfort from friends and the supernatural comfort of Jesus Christ.

Christian at the ocean off of the Florida coast.

Yesterday, I watched a video by Cain called The Commission https://youtu.be/APATH3ea-D0?si=wblR-jf6Lob4hjfx and it filled my heart with joy as tears rolled down my face. There are clips of The Chosen in this video and seeing the smile on Jesus’ face and everything He did for us filled my heart with joy. The lines of this song are so comforting and gives me a renewed purpose in the face of loss. “Goodbye is not the end of the journey, the end of the road. My Spirit is with you wherever you go.” “Go tell the world about me, I was dead and now I live.” This song reminds me that Christian is with Jesus and I will see him again.

Tears roll down my face after watching this video again. The smile on Jesus’ face and when he embraces those he loves just fills my heart with joy and hope that I will be in His arms one day. He was waiting for Christian with open arms and I know he is looking down from heaven and smiling as I begin my journey of surrender, service and fellowship. I love you son.

Holding Two Things at Once

A few months ago, my therapist talked to me about holding two emotions at the same time. I have used this bit of wisdom many times and really began to apply it as the season changed.

My son, Christian, was born on October 12, 1993. He went to be with the Lord on October 27, 2014. As the leaves began to turn and show their brilliance in the sunlight against the backdrop of a deeper, blue sky, I felt two emotions at once. I felt joy as I witnessed God’s amazing creation and the miracle of changing seasons while feeling an ache in my heart. Memories flashed across the canvas of my mind – our last outing with Christian at Gibson Park with the golden leaves and cooler temperatures. I see his hand dangling over the side of his chair, holding a piece of bread for a goose to nibble on. I remember him not wanting me to leave his side and not understanding why he all of a sudden didn’t want me out of his sight.

On his birthday, I vividly remember the purple, yellow and orange leaves scattered all over the front lawn as I took photos of him by his birthday sign. I remember so much of what he said and did during his last few days on this planet.

In my other hand, I hold the remembrance that Christian is with Jesus. He is whole, his body no longer contracted and muscles no longer wasting away. He can breathe fully, he can run with his friends who also passed away from Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, and he is experiencing God in a way none of us will be able to until we go home.

How can my heart ache and be so full of joy at the same time? By knowing that God never leaves us and He cares about our grief, difficulties, anxieties and pain. I feel the grief down to my bones but yet I have hope. “Why are you in despair, O my soul? Why have you become restless and disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him.” (Psalm 42:11)

With God’s strength, we can hold two things at once – sorrow and joy, despair and peace, anger and relief, anxiety and hope. We need to give ourselves some grace to feel, slow down and look around at the miracles in our daily lives, miracles that are present even when our heart aches.

The Truth

I haven’t posted in quite some time for a few reasons. A big one is…I wasn’t ready to share my testimony – the darkness I endured in the spring of 2023 that almost ended my life. Another reason is not prioritizing myself – letting my needs and gifts sit on the back burner of my daily life for decades.

A few days ago, I shared my story on Facebook. Here it is…

In one of my weakest, most vulnerable moments, I am ready to share what I have been going through over the last few years. I have a load of work ahead of me and Drew is waiting for me to get him going. The truth is, I am not okay. I have come a long way by the grace of God but in 2023, I almost lost everything.

I did everything I could to keep my family healthy for years, pouring my energy into keeping my sons’ disease from progressing and my husband’s heart from becoming weaker. I thought I had control of it all until Christian passed away. Even after he passed, I still pushed and pushed – going back to work, becoming a people pleaser and pushing down the emotions and trauma I have experienced over the last decades.

One morning in March of 2023, I broke. My nervous system couldn’t take it anymore. I took a downward spiral and I was in fight or flight for almost 2 months. This eventually led to a failed suicide attempt. This is where I bare my soul. The paramedics rushed me to the hospital and God saved me.

I hit rock bottom and it was solid because God was there. He has raised me up and opened doors that I never imagined would open. He has brought loving, supportive friends into my life, I have been learning things I would have never learned if my life hadn’t fallen apart and I am truly blessed.

I have been in therapy, working through the trauma that has been in my body for years, leading to chronic illness. We have been uncovering old wounds and pain that I haven’t felt since after Christian passed. This pain has been showing up and at times, bringing me to my knees.

This is going to be my testimony. I have compassion for those who have lost all hope and think suicide is the only answer. I have compassion for those who suffer from mental illness. I have compassion for anyone who is suffering. Please know that you can call or text 988. Call a friend or your therapist. Call 911 if you have to.

A woman was on the 9th Street bridge yesterday and a police officer was trying to help her to step back. I felt so much heartache when Dave told me he witnessed this as he was driving in his mail truck.

You are NEVER alone. God loves you and always has and always will.

I wanted to share my most painful, vulnerable story in the hopes that it will help someone. You don’t have to do it alone. Join a church, call a friend, get some counseling, pray, call 988. You are loved my friends.

Okay, I admit that after I posted this I experienced what my therapist calls a vulnerability hangover – that time period after being vulnerable and before receiving a response. That gap of time when you wonder how others will receive what you have shared.

Today, I am at peace with sharing my story. I truly hope it helps at least one person – someone who is without hope and wanting to give up.

I am ready to continue my journey with you. I truly miss writing and being creative. God blesses every one of us with talents and gifts that we can bless others with. My writing is one of them.

I am truly thankful for your time and I truly hope I can add some joy and hope to your days. Much love to you my dear friends!!!

I Hope there are Art Classes in Heaven

Today my oldest son, Christian, would have turned 31. He passed away almost 2 weeks after his 21st birthday. We are going to the cemetery to clean the headstone and set some gifts out for him. I am also going to take a pottery class, which starts tonight, in his memory.

Even though he had physical limitations, Christian enjoyed making homemade greeting cards, drawing, and working with all sorts of media in art class. When he was in high school, his art teacher nominated him for an award in honor of a Zach Culliton who also overcame his disability to create a beautiful painting of a fish. Christian’s name remains listed to this day.

Christian took a lot of time and effort in making the picture which earned him the award. It was a very exciting evening and so many of our friends and family showed up to celebrate. I even met Zach’s mother and she was very kind. Zach passed away not too long before I met her. I hope to see her again.

Christian was always focused on his abilities instead of his limitations. He made numerous Star Wars lego models, enjoyed doing puzzles, and put his best effort into everything he did. On one particular project when he was in high school, he had to draw a creature made from three different real animals or insects. He then did a ceramic rendering of it. I have it sitting on the table today to remind me of his beautiful art and to give me strength to step outside of my comfort zone for 6 weeks on Saturdays for a couple of hours. I really hope I enjoy it and that pottery will be one of my gifts.

Like many of the hand made greeting cards Christian made for me over the years, I want to make some beautiful pottery for him. I want to picture him smiling down from Heaven. My heart is heavy and I would rather have Christian here to bake his favorite chocolate cake and order him pizza for dinner. I imagine he is doing something far better than anything this earth could ever provide. Happy Birthday my dear son. I know you are having the best time building unlimited lego models and making beautiful pottery because in Heaven, you are not sick. I love you and miss you with all of my heart and soul.

img_0385-1 — This was drawn by my dad shortly after Christian passed away.

The Light in the Darkness

*Hitting the Rock Bottom* is a painting by Svein Ove Hareide

My last post was in March of 2023 and I want to thank you for being here after such a long gap. On a cloudy day of the same month, my life took a sharp turn that I did not see coming. I started experiencing higher levels of anxiety like never before and I had no idea what was happening. I just thought I was really stressed. I really knew something was wrong when I had my first panic attack.

I had a general feeling of anxiousness the next day and feeling lost that would barely let up and the moments of clarity became few and far between as time went on. The panic attacks increased and so did the fear and feelings of being unsafe. I started seeing a therapist and he did not explain to me why my brain was overreacting to things that slightly bothered me before. He said it was all normal. The panic attacks increased and I became stuck in a pattern of fight or flight that lasted for almost 2 months. I became exhausted in every way and eventually, I was barely able to care for my adult disabled son.

I blamed myself for what had happened to me. I did not know that anxiety disorders stem from years of stress, childhood environments, trauma, repressed grief and so much more. I thought I was letting my family down because my husband had to take time off of work and the stress on them was not healthy.

Things continued to worsen and I eventally ended up at rock bottom. It was the most difficult, painful time of my life. It was at the bottom that I realized that God had been with me the whole time, even when I did not feel worthy of His love. Jesus was there at the bottom with His arms open wide and He saved my life.

Photo by SevenStorm JUHASZIMRUS on Pexels.com

It took some time and hard lessons for me to decide to take the medication they were highly encouraging me to try. For most of my life, I have always looked down on medication for anxiety and depression. I would think things like, why doesn’t so and so get more exercise or eat better. For some people, that’s all they need alongside a good therapist who can teach the patient how to control panic attacks and learn cognitive behavior therapy skills. On the other side of the spectrum are people like me who need medication just to function, gain back strength, and also be able to do the work to heal.

Once the medication helped to get my system out of fight or flight, I started gaining strength little by little and eventually I was able to care for my son again. I prayed throughout the day, started practicing deep breathing techniques and meditation and I continue to practice them daily. I was blessed to find an awesome therapist and prescribing Nurse Practitioner and I started making strides. I have learned that anxiety is not my enemy, but a way for my body to let me know that I need to slow down and empty out that stress bucket that was getting too full. I also started following The Anxiety Guy on You Tube. He posts videos and has two podcasts. He had several anxiety disorders for years and has since healed. He has written four books that I know of that are super helpful and his programs are affordable and have helped thousands to heal from their anxiety disorders instead of just coping. I will always have my tool box but I am learning not to let anxiety run my life. It is a long, difficult journey, but I am learning so many things that I would have never learned on a different path.

God brought several miracles into our lives during my first year of healing and continues to daily. We found an angel of a caregiver to come in and help me get Drew up in the morning and she has become a close friend. Drew received an inheritance from his great grandfather and bought a new van! It wasn’t long before we started taking short little road trips and this past July, we went to Salt Lake City! When I was at rock bottom, I would have never imagined I would be where I am today.

Like any illness or condition a person recovers from, I have good days and bad days – we all do. Each day I am learning something new. My life is so different than it was before I broke and it is so much better in many ways. I have learned to slow down, trust God for EVERYTHING, love myself and the little me that went through some tough times growing up, and forgive myself while practicing self compassion.

If you have ever seen Brené Brown on You Tube or read any of her books, you would be familiar with her famous talk on vulnerability and her talk based on a quote by Teddy Roosevelt called The Man in the Arena https://youtu.be/fE6fa7OpVu0?si=QlcIlLlBQcbpLUzv. By publishing this post, I will be experiencing vulnerability like never before but that’s okay. Like Brené Brown said in her speech on being in the arena with her face marred and covered in blood and sweat, there are seats reserved for those who love and care about her and even for those who criticize her. Unless those who are critical of her are willing to join her in the arena, where life has kicked her up and down, she is not interested in what they have to say.

When I was in the darkness, unsure of my future and what was happening to me, I knew that once I healed I wanted to help others. I want to give my testimony to offer hope and to let others know that they too can heal and God can bring us out of the deepest, darkest places because He loves us unconditionally and cares for us deeply. September is National Suicide Awareness Month and it is so important for everyone to know that they matter, they are loved, and there is help. Like 911 connects us to emergency services, 988 connects you to counselors and people who can help you if you are in a crisis or contemplating suicide. There is help – people love you and care about you. I love you and am so thankful for your time. God bless you and there will be more posts to come. I am not on a timetable but I will continue to work on future posts as I continue this healing journey.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or are experiencing a mental health crisis, you can dial the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention hotline at 988 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.

50 Years

When most of us turn 50, we are not suprised to see grey hairs sprouting out, have more trouble getting up off of the floor, or be added to the AARP mailing list (I was not impressed with this one). What I was not expecting was losing my father. He passed away on November 16th after a lengthy illness and my heart will never be the same.

Dad had so many talents with hunting being one of his favorites.

During the weeks that followed, my husband was a huge source of support. One day when the grief was especially painful, Dave reminded me that as hard as it was to lose him, I had 50 years with him. This changed my perspective dramatically.

For 50 years, I had the most wonderful father I could ask for, a father that always took care of me and my sisters and molded us into what we are today. Some of the most wonderful qualities that I see in my sisters and myself are from him. I have so many wonderful memories that far outweigh the troubling times. Memories of camping, fishing, hunting, archery tournaments, watching Clint Eastwood westerns, goofing off around the house, going on vacation to Arizona and California and driving to many places throughout Montana.

There is so much I want to share but that would make this into a novel-sized blog post. Over the past few months, some memories have been more vivid than others. One memory is when my husband and I got married in 1992. My parents and my youngest sister drove up to Rapid City. At the ceremony, Dad looked so handsome in his Army uniform. As we were getting ready to walk down the aisle, I couldn’t move. I looked down and saw that he was standing on my dress! We both had a good laugh before Dad proceeded to walk me down the aisle to give me away to my future husband.

Another memory is from years before when I was a little girl. I decided one day that I was going to help with the laundry. I threw random clothes into the washer and a good portion of them were Dad’s. I let the water run in, threw in some detergent and grabbed the bleach, which I proceeded to pour directly into the wash. When Mom noticed what I was doing, it was too late. Dad’s jeans and some of his favorite button up shirts were covered with white spots. Needless to say, he was pretty angry! Strangely, I do not remember being punished, but seeing the disappointment on Dad’s face when he saw his clothes was punishment enough.

Dad hung out with me and my sons at the Lewistown fair years ago.

When Dad came to our house to visit during the later years, my husband nicknamed him “Hurricane John”. He would bring his things in and randomly set them all over the house as he walked in. Dad was always an early riser and he made no exceptions when he was away from home. He would wake up not too long after me (I inherited the same quality of getting up early) and he would talk like it was the middle of the day. We would sit at the table with our bibles and talk before I started getting my boys up. I am so blessed to have had those morning chats with Dad.

Dad, Christian and Drew at Lewistown Pioneer Days

After I developed a chronic health condition in 2017, I was unable to travel the 109 miles to see my parents. A few months before Dad passed away, I was able to make the drive! I was able to visit with Dad for a few hours that trip and I was also able to make another trip less than a month later. I bent down and hugged him before I left that last time and it was the first time he didn’t get up from his chair to hug me. After he passed away, I had brief feelings of anger at not being able to see him as much while I was unable to drive down. I quickly replaced those feeling with gratefulness. The Lord’s timing is perfect and he healed me enough to be able to see him before he left us.

These memories, along with countless others, will give me comfort when I feel the loss in my aching heart. Those of us who are blessed to have known Dad and loved him will never stop noticing the hole in the world that symbolizes his passing, but the memories, oh the sweet memories, will make us smile.

My Comeback

I would like to start this post by thanking everyone who hung in there while I was on a nearly 5 year hiatus. I am so happy to be able to start posting again, even if I have to take baby steps. God bless you all and thank you so much!

In May of 2017, I developed a neurological condition called Spasmodic Torticollis, also known as Cervical Dystonia. After trying unsuccessfully to ease the spasms and pulling with Botox, my condition worsened and I became very sick. This condition took a wrecking ball to every area of my life. I was no longer able to use my computer, read, write, apply makeup or do anything that required my head to be still. Even sitting became nearly impossible, as well as being able to relax and lie still.

Thanks to the good Lord, I came across information about the Spasmodic Torticollis Recovery Clinic in New Mexico. I started a remote program of massage, stretches, weight exercises, dietary guidelines, and attitude work over four years ago today. Like many things that we set out to do, my recovery has taken much longer than I thought and been far more difficult than anything I have every done.

Photo by u0410u043du043du0430 u0420u044bu0436u043au043eu0432u0430 on Pexels.com

During the first two years of doing the program, I thought for sure it would only take two years at the most to recover. Boy, was I in for a surprise. It took until recently for me to understand why God is taking so much longer than I thought to help me win this battle of battles. God didn’t just want to heal me physically. God wants me to be whole. He wants to heal my spirit, soul, heart, and mind. I tried many things during the first three years of my journey, like trying to make things happen in my own timing. All that did was prolong the process and even put me on an 18 month long detour.

I look forward to sharing with you the things I have learned. Things such as patience, perseverence, trusting in God’s timing and ways, overcoming fear and others. I would have never learned so many of the things I did if I would not have developed Torticollis

I am excited to report that I am about 95 percent recovered! Once I reach full recovery, I will develop a maintenance routine and continue most of what I currently do; however, on a much smaller, more manageable scale. Next will be stepping back into my life, which I am currently working on in small, baby steps. I am hoping to be able to make more consistent blog posts in the near future, but until then, I will do what I can each day and each week.

Am I the same person I was before I lost my health? I think that anyone who has also had to deal with a chronic illness would say, I am definately not the same, but better. Thank you so much for your time and I look forward to beginning my life again!

Land Ho!

Three years ago I was diagnosed with a chronic health condition called Torticollis, also known as Cervical Dystonia. It took about nine months to even receive that diagnosis. I tried Botox injections hoping they would give me relief, but they ended up making me worse. I left my job, and many parts of my life were left in pieces. The simplest of tasks, such as using a computer, eating, and applying makeup, along with the more difficult task of caring for my son, became increasingly difficult to do. By the following Fall, I was sick and had no answers.

It took me longer to find an answer because all I could see was my life in pieces.

As I was reading Diagnosis Dystonia, by Tom Seaman, I came across a chapter where he talked about the Spasmodic Torticollis Recovery Clinic in New Mexico. This program helped him to recover, as well as many others who stayed faithful to the program all the way through. I was very excited after visiting the website and decided to do the remote distance program.

Finally, I saw rays of hope on the horizon.

As of today, I have been working hard at the program for two and a half years and I can finally see land in the distance! This has been the most difficult battle I have ever faced, and yet I have grown closer to Jesus Christ and learned things I would have never learned without going through this. I have learned many lessons about patience, faith, perseverance, trusting God, and the importance of knowing God’s love. I have also experienced being at one of the lowest points in my life and in the darkest nights of the soul. This battle of battles will become my testimony.

Knowing that God loves us is one of the most important parts of healing.

Sometimes the home stretch is the most difficult and I am working harder than ever on my program to reclaim my life. Just writing in this blog is a huge step towards the finish line! I am so very thankful for all of you for sticking around even though I have not posted for years. My writing is a bit rusty, but I am keeping at it and I know it will be even better in the end.

I look forward to sharing what I have learned and what it means to trust God with everything. I also had to overcome the worst fear I have ever faced. The Lord has given me strength to do the program every day and take care of my adult disabled son. This has not left me with a lot of free time, but in order to achieve victory we have to pay a price for a while. Once I am on the other side of this storm, I will be stronger, healthier and wiser. I will be better able to serve others and be who God created me to be. Like Joyce Meyer said, “Let your test become your testimony.”