overcoming – The road less traveled

The Truth

I haven’t posted in quite some time for a few reasons. A big one is…I wasn’t ready to share my testimony – the darkness I endured in the spring of 2023 that almost ended my life. Another reason is not prioritizing myself – letting my needs and gifts sit on the back burner of my daily life for decades.

A few days ago, I shared my story on Facebook. Here it is…

In one of my weakest, most vulnerable moments, I am ready to share what I have been going through over the last few years. I have a load of work ahead of me and Drew is waiting for me to get him going. The truth is, I am not okay. I have come a long way by the grace of God but in 2023, I almost lost everything.

I did everything I could to keep my family healthy for years, pouring my energy into keeping my sons’ disease from progressing and my husband’s heart from becoming weaker. I thought I had control of it all until Christian passed away. Even after he passed, I still pushed and pushed – going back to work, becoming a people pleaser and pushing down the emotions and trauma I have experienced over the last decades.

One morning in March of 2023, I broke. My nervous system couldn’t take it anymore. I took a downward spiral and I was in fight or flight for almost 2 months. This eventually led to a failed suicide attempt. This is where I bare my soul. The paramedics rushed me to the hospital and God saved me.

I hit rock bottom and it was solid because God was there. He has raised me up and opened doors that I never imagined would open. He has brought loving, supportive friends into my life, I have been learning things I would have never learned if my life hadn’t fallen apart and I am truly blessed.

I have been in therapy, working through the trauma that has been in my body for years, leading to chronic illness. We have been uncovering old wounds and pain that I haven’t felt since after Christian passed. This pain has been showing up and at times, bringing me to my knees.

This is going to be my testimony. I have compassion for those who have lost all hope and think suicide is the only answer. I have compassion for those who suffer from mental illness. I have compassion for anyone who is suffering. Please know that you can call or text 988. Call a friend or your therapist. Call 911 if you have to.

A woman was on the 9th Street bridge yesterday and a police officer was trying to help her to step back. I felt so much heartache when Dave told me he witnessed this as he was driving in his mail truck.

You are NEVER alone. God loves you and always has and always will.

I wanted to share my most painful, vulnerable story in the hopes that it will help someone. You don’t have to do it alone. Join a church, call a friend, get some counseling, pray, call 988. You are loved my friends.

Okay, I admit that after I posted this I experienced what my therapist calls a vulnerability hangover – that time period after being vulnerable and before receiving a response. That gap of time when you wonder how others will receive what you have shared.

Today, I am at peace with sharing my story. I truly hope it helps at least one person – someone who is without hope and wanting to give up.

I am ready to continue my journey with you. I truly miss writing and being creative. God blesses every one of us with talents and gifts that we can bless others with. My writing is one of them.

I am truly thankful for your time and I truly hope I can add some joy and hope to your days. Much love to you my dear friends!!!

You are never alone! My next post, when I am ready, will be the most difficult, real post I have written.

A Journey to Share

I have asked myself several times over the last couple of months why I have not been posting to my blog. The excuses have been varied: I don’t have time. I don’t want to bring anybody down. No one wants to hear about my grief. There is nothing exciting going on in my life.

I read in one of my grief books that we should not waste our pain. Our pain, the difficulties we face and how we overcome them inspire others and give them hope.

Christian always wanted to help but wasn’t able to. He said he would help with the dishes, mow the lawn, and do the things that most kids throw a fit over having to do if he was physically capable. He was helpful even at a young age and in many photos I have taken of him, he has his arm around his younger brother, Andrew. Christian wasn’t able to join the football team or do chores around the house, but he was able to love and inspire. He taught people that just because he was in a wheelchair didn’t mean that he couldn’t go to school and work just as hard, sometimes harder, than the rest of the kids. Everyone who met Christian became inspired by his kindness, eagerness to help and learn, and his spirit. Somehow, either by posting in my blog, drawing or painting (Christian was passionate about art), helping other parents overcome the daily challenges of living with Duchenne MD or one day writing a book about our experiences with DMD, I will use my pain for something good.

Skyscraper

Last August, my younger sister, Sherry, called me in a flurry of excitement. Interpol was going to be playing in Denver September 27 at the Ogden Theatre! I could hardly believe it and I also didn’t see how I could possibly pull this off. With the boys’ needs I was lucky to go to the grocery store or run errands. I had to fly. This was a sticking point with me because I am not fond of flying and it would be for only one night. I decided that I was not going. My oldest son, Christian, kept encouraging me but I wouldn’t budge, especially since I would have to take Dramamine. If you have taken it you are probably familiar with the drowsiness that accompanies the relief. I kept going back and forth until Christian told me that if it was his favorite band he would go. It breaks my heart that he never went to a concert. We live in an area of the nation that does not get much action where music is concerned. He enjoyed listening to Wiz Khalifa, Nas and his favorite musician was Kid Cudi. After he said that I booked the tickets.

I was nervous and excited as I waited to board the plane. I even had the song picked out that I would listen to as we took off – “Anywhere” off of the El Pintor album. We landed safely less than 3 hours later and my sister and brother-in-law picked me up. Before I knew it, we were in line. They had a promotion for people who owned a Samsung phone and luckily, my sister had one. We were able to go to the front of the line! It was awesome!

You see that Interpol poster behind us? My sister, the ultimate haggler, talked one of the employees into letting us have two of them! It was all meant to be!

The opening act, Rey Pila, was awesome. They are out of New Mexico and they rocked. The bass in the Ogden is so strong that it literally jars your insides. I was so pumped to see my favorite band! When Sam Fogarino, Daniel Kessler and Paul Banks took to the stage I was beside myself! They sounded exactly how I imagined – AWESOME! They played a lot of their new music along with my favorites off of their older albums. Paul Banks sounded incredible, Sam had so much energy on the drums and Daniel Kessler rocked the house on his guitar!

My sister and I had the best time at the concert and we also visited the record store next door. We had a ball. She found a vintage Pink Panther record and I found some flawless Dean Martin records among others.

The flight home was wonderful. I listened to my El Pintor album and looked out the window the whole way. The view was outstanding.

I would have never gone to the concert if it wasn’t for my son. He lost so much over his last years of life as he dealt with more pain. I knew that I needed to overcome my fear of flying and just do it. I had no idea, however, that Christian would pass away exactly a month later on October 27. Now, whenever I have memories of the concert, I will remember that I did it for him.

The night before Christian passed, he asked me about one of my albums by Paul Banks, Skyscraper. It was the last music Christian ever talked about with me and he loved so much different music. When we had to plan his funeral, I included the Madrid Song and On the Esplanade off of the Skyscraper album. Both songs are beautiful and I understand why Christian mentioned the album. I made a slideshow and used these two songs and it was absolutely beautiful.

Music is such a large part of our daily lives and it was everything to Christian. We had to stay home a lot and it helped to brighten many days. I am thankful to have come across such a wonderful band. Thank you Paul, Daniel and Sam for expressing yourselves in your music and enriching our lives.