What would I say to the part of me that has been in the dark for so many years? What does she need and how did she end up there?
These are questions I am asking after writing in my journal this morning. My therapist and I have been using a method of therapy called Internal Family Systems during my healing journey.
We all have a little family in our hearts and/or minds. This includes our inner child, maybe a teenage version of ourselves, a fearful or insecure version, an angry version of us etc. I will not go into too much detail because I am not a therapist and I don’t want to put myself or you to sleep.
With the help of my therapist, I have been connecting with these parts of myself and finding out what they need. For example, our inner child needs to know she is safe and loved if she didn’t receive this growing up. This video is very moving and perfectly shows our relationship with our inner child and how she eventually can be freed https://youtu.be/V6ui161NyTg?si=oTDTIjRLHTjwJxdz.
A pond is so much more beautiful before the sand on the bottom is stirred up, making the water foggy. In the moment, it feels so much easier to leave everything in the dark – past trauma, mistakes, sins and things that stir up shame. The problem is that leaving them in the dark keeps us in bondage. We cannot be truly free if we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Jesus said in John 8:32: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The energy it takes to haul around the baggage of our past sins, mistakes and trauma wears us down and keeps us from living life to the fullest. Jesus came so that we may have life and live it to the fullest (John 10:10).
By cleaning the dirt off of the windows so light can shine into the dark recesses of my soul, I am giving my body, mind, soul and spirit a chance to heal. Being vulnerable is never comfortable but without it we will never get out of the darkness. Jesus did not hang on the cross so we would live imprisoned by our sins, mistakes or shame. He loves us beyond measure, and wants to have a personal relationship with all of us. By letting the light into every dark corner of our lives we can experience the peace of Christ like never before.
The part of me that has been living in the dark for years upon years is afraid of the light but she is tired of being alone. She also wants to experience peace and joy. There is no lightswitch to turn on an overhead light and deal with it all at once – that isn’t realistic or healthy. Each day, another candle is lit, another window is cleaned and the chains are slowly breaking. Freedom is on the way.
I haven’t posted in quite some time for a few reasons. A big one is…I wasn’t ready to share my testimony – the darkness I endured in the spring of 2023 that almost ended my life. Another reason is not prioritizing myself – letting my needs and gifts sit on the back burner of my daily life for decades.
A few days ago, I shared my story on Facebook. Here it is…
In one of my weakest, most vulnerable moments, I am ready to share what I have been going through over the last few years. I have a load of work ahead of me and Drew is waiting for me to get him going. The truth is, I am not okay. I have come a long way by the grace of God but in 2023, I almost lost everything.
I did everything I could to keep my family healthy for years, pouring my energy into keeping my sons’ disease from progressing and my husband’s heart from becoming weaker. I thought I had control of it all until Christian passed away. Even after he passed, I still pushed and pushed – going back to work, becoming a people pleaser and pushing down the emotions and trauma I have experienced over the last decades.
One morning in March of 2023, I broke. My nervous system couldn’t take it anymore. I took a downward spiral and I was in fight or flight for almost 2 months. This eventually led to a failed suicide attempt. This is where I bare my soul. The paramedics rushed me to the hospital and God saved me.
I hit rock bottom and it was solid because God was there. He has raised me up and opened doors that I never imagined would open. He has brought loving, supportive friends into my life, I have been learning things I would have never learned if my life hadn’t fallen apart and I am truly blessed.
I have been in therapy, working through the trauma that has been in my body for years, leading to chronic illness. We have been uncovering old wounds and pain that I haven’t felt since after Christian passed. This pain has been showing up and at times, bringing me to my knees.
This is going to be my testimony. I have compassion for those who have lost all hope and think suicide is the only answer. I have compassion for those who suffer from mental illness. I have compassion for anyone who is suffering. Please know that you can call or text 988. Call a friend or your therapist. Call 911 if you have to.
A woman was on the 9th Street bridge yesterday and a police officer was trying to help her to step back. I felt so much heartache when Dave told me he witnessed this as he was driving in his mail truck.
You are NEVER alone. God loves you and always has and always will.
I wanted to share my most painful, vulnerable story in the hopes that it will help someone. You don’t have to do it alone. Join a church, call a friend, get some counseling, pray, call 988. You are loved my friends.
The Truth sets us free
Okay, I admit that after I posted this I experienced what my therapist calls a vulnerability hangover – that time period after being vulnerable and before receiving a response. That gap of time when you wonder how others will receive what you have shared.
What did I do?
Today, I am at peace with sharing my story. I truly hope it helps at least one person – someone who is without hope and wanting to give up.
There is always hope my friends
I am ready to continue my journey with you. I truly miss writing and being creative. God blesses every one of us with talents and gifts that we can bless others with. My writing is one of them.
I am truly thankful for your time and I truly hope I can add some joy and hope to your days. Much love to you my dear friends!!!
Hitting the Rock Bottom is a painting by Svein Ove Hareide
My last post was in March of 2023 and I want to thank you for being here after such a long gap. On a cloudy day of the same month, my life took a sharp turn that I did not see coming. I started experiencing higher levels of anxiety like never before and I had no idea what was happening. I just thought I was really stressed. I really knew something was wrong when I had my first panic attack.
I had a general feeling of anxiousness the next day and feeling lost that would barely let up and the moments of clarity became few and far between as time went on. The panic attacks increased and so did the fear and feelings of being unsafe. I started seeing a therapist and he did not explain to me why my brain was overreacting to things that slightly bothered me before. He said it was all normal. The panic attacks increased and I became stuck in a pattern of fight or flight that lasted for almost 2 months. I became exhausted in every way and eventually, I was barely able to care for my adult disabled son.
I blamed myself for what had happened to me. I did not know that anxiety disorders stem from years of stress, childhood environments, trauma, repressed grief and so much more. I thought I was letting my family down because my husband had to take time off of work and the stress on them was not healthy.
Things continued to worsen and I eventally ended up at rock bottom. It was the most difficult, painful time of my life. It was at the bottom that I realized that God had been with me the whole time, even when I did not feel worthy of His love. Jesus was there at the bottom with His arms open wide and He saved my life.
It took some time and hard lessons for me to decide to take the medication they were highly encouraging me to try. For most of my life, I have always looked down on medication for anxiety and depression. I would think things like, why doesn’t so and so get more exercise or eat better. For some people, that’s all they need alongside a good therapist who can teach the patient how to control panic attacks and learn cognitive behavior therapy skills. On the other side of the spectrum are people like me who need medication just to function, gain back strength, and also be able to do the work to heal.
Once the medication helped to get my system out of fight or flight, I started gaining strength little by little and eventually I was able to care for my son again. I prayed throughout the day, started practicing deep breathing techniques and meditation and I continue to practice them daily. I was blessed to find an awesome therapist and prescribing Nurse Practitioner and I started making strides. I have learned that anxiety is not my enemy, but a way for my body to let me know that I need to slow down and empty out that stress bucket that was getting too full. I also started following The Anxiety Guy on You Tube. He posts videos and has two podcasts. He had several anxiety disorders for years and has since healed. He has written four books that I know of that are super helpful and his programs are affordable and have helped thousands to heal from their anxiety disorders instead of just coping. I will always have my tool box but I am learning not to let anxiety run my life. It is a long, difficult journey, but I am learning so many things that I would have never learned on a different path.
God brought several miracles into our lives during my first year of healing and continues to daily. We found an angel of a caregiver to come in and help me get Drew up in the morning and she has become a close friend. Drew received an inheritance from his great grandfather and bought a new van! It wasn’t long before we started taking short little road trips and this past July, we went to Salt Lake City! When I was at rock bottom, I would have never imagined I would be where I am today.
Like any illness or condition a person recovers from, I have good days and bad days – we all do. Each day I am learning something new. My life is so different than it was before I broke and it is so much better in many ways. I have learned to slow down, trust God for EVERYTHING, love myself and the little me that went through some tough times growing up, and forgive myself while practicing self compassion.
If you have ever seen Brené Brown on You Tube or read any of her books, you would be familiar with her famous talk on vulnerability and her talk based on a quote by Teddy Roosevelt called The Man in the Arenahttps://youtu.be/fE6fa7OpVu0?si=QlcIlLlBQcbpLUzv. By publishing this post, I will be experiencing vulnerability like never before but that’s okay. Like Brené Brown said in her speech on being in the arena with her face marred and covered in blood and sweat, there are seats reserved for those who love and care about her and even for those who criticize her. Unless those who are critical of her are willing to join her in the arena, where life has kicked her up and down, she is not interested in what they have to say.
When I was in the darkness, unsure of my future and what was happening to me, I knew that once I healed I wanted to help others. I want to give my testimony to offer hope and to let others know that they too can heal and God can bring us out of the deepest, darkest places because He loves us unconditionally and cares for us deeply. September is National Suicide Awareness Month and it is so important for everyone to know that they matter, they are loved, and there is help. Like 911 connects us to emergency services, 988 connects you to counselors and people who can help you if you are in a crisis or contemplating suicide. There is help – people love you and care about you. I love you and am so thankful for your time. God bless you and there will be more posts to come. I am not on a timetable but I will continue to work on future posts as I continue this healing journey.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or are experiencing a mental health crisis, you can dial the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention hotline at 988 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.
The road less traveled 