faith – Page 3 – The road less traveled

A Tune in my Heart

After work today, I met my husband and son for dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant. I think we all have one of those. Our favorite restaurant serves authentic cuisine and warm corn chips. Afterward, they were off to play poker and I reluctantly headed home. Alone isn’t a bad thing, but coming home to a quiet, empty house is a painful reminder of the loss. Over Christian’s life, the most time he ever spent away from me was during MDA summer camp which lasted for a week. When you care for a child with special needs, you develop a deeper connection, especially when you physically care for them 24/7. When Christian passed away I felt like I was thrown into an alternate universe. After 16 months I have become used to the new normal, but I still have moments when the realization that Christian isn’t with us makes my world turn on it’s side for a bit. Over time the dizzying effect doesn’t last as long but it will never be easy, just bearable.

Almost every time I have found myself alone in the house missing my boy, I turn on the music. Christian had so much passion for music. He enjoyed 90’s rap like NAS, current rap like Wiz Khalifa and Kid Cudi, and classics such as the Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney. He talked me into buying several vinyls during the last year of his life. He encouraged me to buy the vinyl even though I had the CD because the quality would be worth it. Christian even talked me into buying music that he knew I enjoyed but he didn’t much care for either way. He grew to enjoy a lot of my favorite alternative bands like Interpol and Bare Hands.

They say that it changes a person when someone you love dies. That is an understatement. I felt hollowed out for the longest time and had to rediscover who I was. I was a caregiver for both boys for over 10 years. It took me weeks, even months, to stop setting out two sets of pills at mealtime. Not all of the changes have been negative. I would never have believed it if someone told me I would gain anything from losing someone who was as much a part of me as Christian was.

I took this photo at Crystal Lake last summer.

When I see a beautiful sunset, I see so much more than what I used to see. I see something amazing and holy. I feel a stirring inside of me that I have never felt. I see and feel God when I see the rays shining through the clouds, the chickadee in the pine tree, the beautiful pattern on the carpet at work from the sun shining through the window or when I see the stars in the sky. I feel a joy inside that I can’t explain when I look at things that to another person, may seem like nothing. It makes me feel guilty at times. How can I have moments of joy after losing my son and watching Andrew deal with the same complications as Christian did?

When we lean on the Lord, the amazing happens. The journey of grief is far from easy but we do not have to endure it alone. God heals us. God loves us.

As I listened to a song by Deathcab for Cutie, which Christian also enjoyed, I heard guitar melodies I didn’t hear before. Music touches me at a deeper level, bringing me to tears or making me want to get up and dance (listen to Stolen Dance by Milky Chance and you’ll know what I mean). Just knowing Christian and caring for him has given me a deep appreciation for life. I want to reach out and help those who have lost a loved one and I pray and I cry for them. I will not waste my pain. Instead I will find a way to help in a way that I know Christian would be proud of. I hope my posts offer a bit of hope and remind you that you are never alone.

Jump!

A few days ago, my husband had me watch a video clip of a motivational speech by Steve Harvey of the Family Feud. Steve Harvey video He starts by saying that every successful person has one thing in common. They have all jumped. They took a leap of faith. They realized what their God given gifts were and they jumped in head first.

I truly believe that when each of us enters this world, God blesses us with certain gifts and talents. Some of us may have one, others may have 5 or 10. Once we identify our gifts, we need to jump. Steve Harvey said that the only way we can soar is to jump and pull the cord. Once we do, we have to be determined to keep going through the doubt, rejection and pain. Eventually we will come out on the winning side.

Think about the inventors of the past and how far they had to jump to create the light bulb, the automobile, plastic, or Apple Computers. One of the best biographies I have ever read is on Steve Jobs. Where would we be right now if Bill Gates and Steve Jobs didn’t jump? I wouldn’t be able to share my heart with you on my MacBook or even find a way to deliver it. In reality, most of us are not as brilliant as Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking, but we can make a bigger impact than we think. It wasn’t smooth sailing even for the geniuses of our time. They jumped, overcame and soared.

We are all more capable of making a positive impact than we realize. My son, Christian, wanted to make a difference. He wrote a good part of a spy novel but stopped when his disease started to accelerate. He wasn’t able to join the football team or play basketball but he did play his clarinet until he didn’t have the strength to sit up and cope with the pain. He spent the last 18 months of his life tilted back in his chair but he still hardly ever complained. His courage and grace impacted everyone he came into contact with.

What about the rest of us? What are we capable of? I have come to realize that I have a knack for photography and writing. My sister overcame great obstacles to earn her G.E.D., becoming a volunteer fire fighter and EMT and is now in the best shape of her life. How many lives would have been lost if she never jumped? I encourage you to watch this video and to believe that God fulfills all of his promises. He wants us to soar. At some point, we have to ask ourselves if we are living or simply existing.

535890_2199036831741_1580093076_n — Despite the physical limitations of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, the boys earned their GED’s in 2012.

I can hardly think of a time when God did not get me through difficult times. After we lost Christian, I felt like I was falling, skinning my knees and having my heart ripped out every single day. It’s still not easy, I still have moments when the reality of his death practically knocks me down, but God has helped me up from day one. Steve says that our parachute does not open right away. It most certainly did not for me until recently and it didn’t for my sister either. I am pretty sure that most olympic athletes skinned their knees many times.

I encourage you to jump. Stay with it until you soar. Believe in yourself because God does and I believe in you too. Do it. Jump!

Last sunset of 2015

As the sun started to lower in the sky this afternoon, I couldn’t help thinking that we were approaching the last sunset of 2015. Thin, wave-like clouds stretched across the sky and snow was beginning to melt off of the streets.

The sun is almost completely set now, but I stopped for a few moments and watched the sky change colors and the clouds gather at the horizon. The sun reflected a deep orange onto bare tree limbs and rooftops. I thought about Christian, wishing he could be with us to celebrate the New Year. It was the last sunset of 2015 and I am thankful for witnessing such a spectacular display of color.

2015 was a year of grief, big changes and leaps of faith. I spent a good part of the year accepting the loss of my son, best friend and hero. I spent another good part of the year finally starting to realize that I did my best caring for my son until he went to God. I have come a long way on this long, painful journey and I will feel the hurt for the rest of my life. I have learned to manage with a broken heart and even feel moments of joy despite the loss.

We took a leap of faith when my husband left a very well paying job for his health. A few months later, after over 10 years at home as a full time caregiver, I went to work. Not just at any job, but the company I worked for until I had to leave to take care of my sons in 2005. It blows my mind how things have come full circle. Christian was walking when I left, both of my sons were walking. And now I am back minus one of my boys. Although this realization is painful, I am blessed to be working at the same place with the best group of people I could ask to work with.

I became an aunt again and cried when I saw the first photo of little Damian. I saw my youngest sister as a mother and felt so much love for her.

I am thankful for the healing God has done in my heart, the healing that has taken place in my husband after working harder than anyone I have seen for 14 years, for the blessing of returning to my former employer, becoming an aunt again and for the last sunset of 2015. Big moments and small I am thankful for it all. Corny but it rhymes, right? Birds visiting my feeder, smiles from strangers, the sound of the furnace on a cold night, coffee with a friend, the small simple blessings that filled my days do not go unnoticed as 2016 approaches.

I will set goals for the new year as many of us do but for now, I will focus on the blessings in my life. The simple yet most meaningful blessings.

th-15 — I find so much comfort in mourning doves. I cannot take credit for this wonderful shot.

Happy New Year to all of you and thanks so much for reading my blog!

Blog mania

Hello blog world. I hope everyone is having a good weekend! The weather cooled off some in Montana but things are creeping back up into the 90’s again. I filled the bird feeders this morning along with the bird bath and it wasn’t long before I witnessed some sparrows taking a dip.

I wanted to share with you a new format I want to try on my blog. I have wanted to write regularly but sometimes it can be hard to come up with a topic. It seems like the ideas pop into my head when I have nothing to jot them down on – like when I go to the store and forget what I came for. I thought it would be fun to focus on a particular topic on certain days such as Throwback Thursdays or Photography Fridays – just something to dust the cobwebs off of the dark, unused corners of my mind and start being creative again. Later this week I want to share with you how my blog is hopefully going to fit in with a larger goal I have in mind – something people have been encouraging me to do but I have been terrified of. It involves writing a book. That’s all I will say for now.

We are going through quite a bit of change in our household with my husband changing jobs and it’s far too easy to fall into the trap of fear and negativity. I admit that my thinking and my words have not been too positive lately. I miss Christian terribly and going through a major life change almost makes my heart ache more. One thing that helps me through difficult times is to remember all of the good things God has done for us over the years. He has provided us with all of the medical supplies for the boys, the right doctors and resources to ensure that my sons would have the best quality of life we could offer them. The verse I want to share is from John 10:10 (NLT), one of my favorites. Jesus said “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” God’s goodness and abundance is limitless and so is His love for us. He knows we are not perfect but yet He provides. Jesus said himself that He wants us to live a full, satisfying life and He will provide all that we need and more.

I hope you will enjoy my new platform. Some days are busier with doctor appointments and caregiving for my son but I will do my best to say a few words or make sure to the next day. Thank you for reading my blog and have a wonderful week!

Battleborn

Ever since the tragedy in Connecticut, I have felt lost, betrayed, sad, anxious and in other ways that I have trouble finding words to describe. I am sure many of us feel this way. I have been unsure of what to post until a few minutes ago when Battleborn by The Killers came on while I was finishing up the dishes. I stopped mid track to really listen to the lyrics:

You lost faith in the human spirit

You walk around like a ghost

Your star-spangled heart

Took a train for the coast

This is exactly how I have felt at times. Anyone else? How about:

When you shine you’re a hilltop mansion

So how’d you lose the light?

Was it blown by the wind,

In the still of the night?

I have felt like my light has been blown out and I caught myself cursing the darkness last evening when I went on a rant about guns. All it did was make me more upset. Cursing the darkness is futile, wasteful thinking and speaking. The song goes on to say “We’re up against the wall” and this is good:

When they knock you down

You’re gonna get back on your feet

In the community where this tragedy took place, in the state of Connecticut, and in our country, we will be there for each other and we will get back on our feet! And finally:

When they break your heart

When they cause your soul to mourn

Remember what I said

Boy you was battle born

This tragedy broke our hearts and we grieve for the little ones, teachers and principle and their families and the entire community. We need to remember that we are battle born. We will never stop loving one another, caring and reaching out. We are strong and will never back down against the evil and injustice in this world!

Check out this song on Grooveshark or Spotify and listen along and see if it doesn’t make you want to get up and shine your light instead of cursing the darkness!

A lesson in poetry

The road less traveled

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

…Robert Frost

I was never very good at interpreting poetry in school but “The road less traveled” is one that I have been able to relate to a good portion of my life. One that many of us have. We face choices every single day and most of the time, not having the slightest idea what the outcome will be. We try to see into the future as far as we can, thinking of every single way a situation can turn out. We rely on our gut instinct, or pray about it, hoping it will all turn out okay.

I am often in this situation each day in dealing with the boys’ MD. Whether the decision is big, such as whether a surgery will be worth the risk; or small, such as what to give the boys for dinner, we stand at the edge of the wood like Robert Frost did. We have made good decisions, such as keeping the boys on a wholesome, mostly vegetarian diet to reduce inflammation; and we have made bad decisions, such as staying in a hotel room with unaccessible features that ended up causing prolonged back pain for Christian. With every choice we all do our best and that is all that matters. I firmly believe, and have experienced, that God helps us out of difficult situations that were the result of a bad choice because He knows that our choices are made out of love. I also firmly believe that every choice we have made, good and bad, has brought the boys to where they are today – happy, healthy and full of vigor for life!

The path we are on is also the less traveled one. We have made many choices that we knew would require more work but did it anyway because we wanted to do what was best for the boys. I read a saying that basically said that when we make the hard decisions today, it will make for a better tomorrow. This has been true in our case. We opted for the boys to have spinal fusion to correct their scoliosis and as a result, they sit up better in their chairs and their lungs can fully expand.

Drew before his spinal fusion surgery at Shriners

We will continue to face big and small decisions and an unknown future. This can create a lot of fear and a good amount of uncertainty, but if we do the best we can with what we have today, it will all turn out just fine. All I have to do is see one of the boys’ beautiful smiles to know this.

The road less traveled

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveller, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;