depression – The road less traveled

The Light in the Darkness

*Hitting the Rock Bottom* is a painting by Svein Ove Hareide

My last post was in March of 2023 and I want to thank you for being here after such a long gap. On a cloudy day of the same month, my life took a sharp turn that I did not see coming. I started experiencing higher levels of anxiety like never before and I had no idea what was happening. I just thought I was really stressed. I really knew something was wrong when I had my first panic attack.

I had a general feeling of anxiousness the next day and feeling lost that would barely let up and the moments of clarity became few and far between as time went on. The panic attacks increased and so did the fear and feelings of being unsafe. I started seeing a therapist and he did not explain to me why my brain was overreacting to things that slightly bothered me before. He said it was all normal. The panic attacks increased and I became stuck in a pattern of fight or flight that lasted for almost 2 months. I became exhausted in every way and eventually, I was barely able to care for my adult disabled son.

I blamed myself for what had happened to me. I did not know that anxiety disorders stem from years of stress, childhood environments, trauma, repressed grief and so much more. I thought I was letting my family down because my husband had to take time off of work and the stress on them was not healthy.

Things continued to worsen and I eventally ended up at rock bottom. It was the most difficult, painful time of my life. It was at the bottom that I realized that God had been with me the whole time, even when I did not feel worthy of His love. Jesus was there at the bottom with His arms open wide and He saved my life.

Photo by SevenStorm JUHASZIMRUS on Pexels.com

It took some time and hard lessons for me to decide to take the medication they were highly encouraging me to try. For most of my life, I have always looked down on medication for anxiety and depression. I would think things like, why doesn’t so and so get more exercise or eat better. For some people, that’s all they need alongside a good therapist who can teach the patient how to control panic attacks and learn cognitive behavior therapy skills. On the other side of the spectrum are people like me who need medication just to function, gain back strength, and also be able to do the work to heal.

Once the medication helped to get my system out of fight or flight, I started gaining strength little by little and eventually I was able to care for my son again. I prayed throughout the day, started practicing deep breathing techniques and meditation and I continue to practice them daily. I was blessed to find an awesome therapist and prescribing Nurse Practitioner and I started making strides. I have learned that anxiety is not my enemy, but a way for my body to let me know that I need to slow down and empty out that stress bucket that was getting too full. I also started following The Anxiety Guy on You Tube. He posts videos and has two podcasts. He had several anxiety disorders for years and has since healed. He has written four books that I know of that are super helpful and his programs are affordable and have helped thousands to heal from their anxiety disorders instead of just coping. I will always have my tool box but I am learning not to let anxiety run my life. It is a long, difficult journey, but I am learning so many things that I would have never learned on a different path.

God brought several miracles into our lives during my first year of healing and continues to daily. We found an angel of a caregiver to come in and help me get Drew up in the morning and she has become a close friend. Drew received an inheritance from his great grandfather and bought a new van! It wasn’t long before we started taking short little road trips and this past July, we went to Salt Lake City! When I was at rock bottom, I would have never imagined I would be where I am today.

Like any illness or condition a person recovers from, I have good days and bad days – we all do. Each day I am learning something new. My life is so different than it was before I broke and it is so much better in many ways. I have learned to slow down, trust God for EVERYTHING, love myself and the little me that went through some tough times growing up, and forgive myself while practicing self compassion.

If you have ever seen Brené Brown on You Tube or read any of her books, you would be familiar with her famous talk on vulnerability and her talk based on a quote by Teddy Roosevelt called The Man in the Arena https://youtu.be/fE6fa7OpVu0?si=QlcIlLlBQcbpLUzv. By publishing this post, I will be experiencing vulnerability like never before but that’s okay. Like Brené Brown said in her speech on being in the arena with her face marred and covered in blood and sweat, there are seats reserved for those who love and care about her and even for those who criticize her. Unless those who are critical of her are willing to join her in the arena, where life has kicked her up and down, she is not interested in what they have to say.

When I was in the darkness, unsure of my future and what was happening to me, I knew that once I healed I wanted to help others. I want to give my testimony to offer hope and to let others know that they too can heal and God can bring us out of the deepest, darkest places because He loves us unconditionally and cares for us deeply. September is National Suicide Awareness Month and it is so important for everyone to know that they matter, they are loved, and there is help. Like 911 connects us to emergency services, 988 connects you to counselors and people who can help you if you are in a crisis or contemplating suicide. There is help – people love you and care about you. I love you and am so thankful for your time. God bless you and there will be more posts to come. I am not on a timetable but I will continue to work on future posts as I continue this healing journey.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or are experiencing a mental health crisis, you can dial the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention hotline at 988 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.

You are never alone! My next post, when I am ready, will be the most difficult, real post I have written.

Grief, Interrupted

The year after Christian passed away was extremely painful, but thanks to the strength and comfort of God, we made it through a day at a time. Dave’s job became extremely demanding in the following month after we lost our boy. He went with the flow for the next several months but by summer, working 14 hour days was not enough for the company, so he had to leave. The following September, Dave suggested I call the company that I worked at before leaving in 2005 to care for the boys’ increasing needs. I called them, dropped off my resume, and everything fell into place. I was terrified because I had been out of the work force for so long but I was also thrilled and very thankful for the opportunity to work for my family again.

About a week into my return to work came the first anniversary of Christian’s passing. Dave suggested that I go to work because the distraction might be good for me. I lasted about five minutes. Over the first few months I experienced a lot of nervousness each morning before I left for work and I started to experience slight anxiety when I performed certain job duties. I thought nothing of it because all jobs come with stress and anxiety. By summer, my anxiety increased and depression started to weigh me down. I started becoming emotional about things that normally would not make me so upset. I began to worry about the most ridiculous things, which fed my anxiety.

I took the second anniversary of Christian’s passing off along with what would be his 22nd birthday. I spent the greater part of that fall in a state of sadness as I remembered the days leading up to his passing. By Christmas my emotional problems worsened and the anxiety led to panic episodes the following spring. I took a few days off and started seeing a counselor. This slowly started to help and I really thought I was going to start feeling like myself again.

About two months later, I started to experience tightness in my neck. I associated it with ergonomics at work and tried carrying things differently, sitting up straighter, etc.. By fall, my neck worsened and the spasms set in. I kept working hard and doing everything I could to keep up with the workload. I also started acupuncture and massage therapy. My condition worsened to such an extent that I was having trouble eating, driving, and putting my makeup on. I did not receive a diagnosis and treatment until March of this year. I was confident that the treatment would help and things would go back to normal again.

The first set of injections only made my condition worse and I had to take a month long medical leave. Before I requested the medical leave I had a major panic episode and my good friend and neighbor stayed with me for a few hours. Before she dropped me off at home she looked at me and said that “my kettle blew.” She said that at the botton of the kettle was grief and stacked on top of that was my illness, worry for my son and husband, and the stress of my career. She said I needed to deal with the loss of my son by joining a grief group and learning about the stages of grief. It was at that point that I realized that I hadn’t been grieving since I returned to work. The fear, anxiety, and massive change I went through interruped the grieving process. I ended up leaving my job shortly after my medical leave.

It is easy to associate depression with loss – losing a child is devastating and I experienced days and moments of sadness that I thought would crush me. Ongoing depression that does not let up, however, is a sign that a person is not grieving in a healthy way. I had days that were harder – the pain felt more raw and I would cry, but I really thought I was moving forward and healing from the loss. There was so much going on in my life, so much change, that the grief and pain ended up buried underneath of it all. Unfortunately, it took an illness to open my eyes and see that I still have some grief work to do. Perhaps this blog post is a way of moving forward.

It may seem easier at the time to run away from the pain, bury it by keeping busy, or to tell everyone we are fine, but in the long run it can have devastating effects on our emotional, physical and spiritual health. I encourage you to reach out to friends, family, your pastor, grief counselors, or write it all down in a journal. Don’t bury your pain. Go through it so the pain doesn’t end up being wasted. Perhaps making it to the other side of difficulties makes us stronger so we can in turn help others who are hurting. Christian was my son, friend, and my teacher. I love him too much to waste the pain of losing him.

Light Pierces the Darkness

It has been several weeks since my last post and since then, we have gone on vacation and survived the spring forward time change. The robins are back and the trees are blooming. I have put off writing again and again because admittedly, I have been depressed. Not just the “I’m having a bad day” kind of depression, but the kind that makes your bones ache or feels like a heavy weight is on your chest and you have to talk yourself into getting out of bed a lot more than usual. This is not easy for me to admit. I had the hardest time trying to pinpoint the cause or event that triggered this cloud that has been hanging over my head – is it grief, lack of exercise or fun, my diet? Although all of these things can contribute to depression, the antidote that makes a world of difference in finding the light again is contained in one word: GRATITUDE.

Years ago, I started a gratitude journal. I kept it on my nightstand and made myself write down 5 things I was thankful for from that day. Despite the prognosis of my sons’ disease, I was able to find the joy in life almost every day. As the surgeries increased and the care took longer and became harder, and as I had to watch my oldest son endure pain and loss that was completely unfair, I stopped writing in it. A few months after we lost Christian, I bought a new gratitude journal. I may write down something big like “I am thankful for receiving an unexpected refund in the mail today” or something small like “I am thankful for the chickadees singing outside of my window.” Anything big or small that we can find to be grateful for can lift us up. We literally have to lift up our heads and look around so we can notice the beauty of God’s creation, which in turn lifts up our hearts. A heart of gratitude sets the stage for God’s blessings and His favor. It also opens windows and doors for goodness to flow into our lives and invites joy into our hearts.