shame – The road less traveled

The Threshing Sledge

As I read today’s Our Daily Bread devotion, tears streamed down my face. The author wrote about a bear cub that was rescued and how it did not want to let go of the man who rescued him. I started to reflect on my own journey and how much I have needed Jesus for so much of my life. The more I study God’s Word and learn about Jesus, the more I want to surrender to Him.

In the first few verses of Psalm 55, David is pleading to God: “Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught…My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.” (V. 1-2, 4-6)

After I experienced a nervous breakdown and developed General Anxiety Disorder, I experienced desperation as my body and mind broke down. The enemy used this as an opportunity to destroy me. My thoughts became dark, disturbing and very troubling. I began to experience panic episodes because they scared me and made me feel like I was losing my mind. I was desperate and pleaded with God. I became very fearful, my body trembled, my neck spasms increased and I could not sleep.

Shame from the darkness of my thoughts crept in and I could not read my Bible. I began to feel separate and forsaken by God for the first time in my life. I thought often of fleeing like a dove to find the rest I desperately needed. This eventually lead to a failed suicide attempt.

I didn’t know how much I needed God until He met me at rock bottom. In my darkest moment, when the people around me seemed so cruel and uncaring, God was there. No one really knows what it is like to suffer from extreme anxiety and panic disorder unless they have been there. I do not want anyone else to know the agony and loneliness associated with it.

Once I settled in back home and started the long process of healing, I relied heavily upon Jesus. I got down on my knees and prayed when the anxiety and depression began to feel overwhelming. “Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and He hears my voice.” (v. 17)

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God heard me and answered me. He brought a caregiver into my life to help with Drew and she has become my best friend and mentor, along with her wonderful husband. The have led me on a faith walk that has catapulted me into places I thought I would never see. She has been alongside of me as I have been on the threshing floor. https://youtu.be/s6CxzZvkUtA?si=8rASA92G9zVK1fyU

I began to learn what it means to surrender my life to God and the Holy Spirit. “Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.” (v. 22) As I have surrendered more, doors have been opening left and right. I have joined a small bible study group, been invited to coffee with new friends, received an outpouring of support and love during the most difficult moments and started serving at church. I have experienced the power of the Holy Spirit as I have given over the reigns of my life to Jesus.

This hasn’t been without pain. I have felt like I have been under the threshing sled, but it has refined me. The trauma and emotion that have been held down for most of my life has surfaced and I have been seeing a therapist to learn how to deal with them.

God knows how long I need to go through this. At the same time, I have felt release from fear that cannot be explained away by medication alone. As I have been taking anxiety medications, I have also had to make lifestyle changes and align my thinking and my life up with the Word of God. I know that God will deliver me, and eventually, I will no longer need them.

If you are suffering from anxiety, depression or suicidal thoughts, please reach out. It may feel like there is no hope but there is – His Name is Jesus. You can call 988, your counselor, a friend or go to your local emergency room. You are not crazy, you will not be put into a padded room. I had to stay at an inpatient unit twice and it was scary. I look back at it now and realize that it saved my life. You are loved more than you can imagine!!!

Your healing is ahead, your dreams are in front of you; they are just obscured by the noise in your head caused by trauma, stress and years of repressed emotions. It’s okay to take medication if you need to because it helps you do the work – praying, studying God’s Word, journaling, talking it out, learning how to process emotions and taking care of yourself. You matter!!! You are LOVED!!!

Unimaginable Love

In my therapy session yesterday, we talked about self-worth. My therapist said that when a baby is born, he or she has self-worth. We are all born with it. When the baby poops, she is not concerned about the smell and the mess. When he is hungry at 3 a.m., he is not concerned about waking up his parents.

As we all know, we go through our childhood and adulthood experiencing things that question and undermine our worth. For some of us, it can be traumatic – abuse, alcoholism in the home or neglect. For others it can be bullying at school or an adult figure who says something hurtful. Most of us are unaware of the strongholds and bondage that starts to form in our hearts and minds as we face situations over and over that undermine our feelings of worthiness.

For myself, there was not any love or validation in the home as I grew up. I do not harbor feelings of resentment towards my parents or grandparents because they were not able to give out what they did not have. They did the best they could with what they had at the time. I love them and am thankful that they made sure I had clothes, plenty to eat and for the things we did together as a family – camping, fishing, watching movies etc.

In school, being dark-skinned and looking a little different than the other kids, I was made fun of into my high school years. Kids made slanted eyes at me and chanted hurtful songs, excluded me, and were mean to me. In high school, my coach made a comment about me being a joke. This only made me work harder and become more successful in the sports I was involved in. I developed a rebellious streak and drank alcohol, violated curfew, and destroyed property, to name a few of the things I did to relieve the anxiety I was feeling.

I carried this into my adulthood and it manifested into a deep sense of insecurity. I cared way too much about what people thought and I became a professional people pleaser. I went to bars and partied to be accepted and I worked entirely too hard at home and at work. My worth became tied to receiving approval from others and in tangible accomplishments.

I recently joined New City Church and as I have surrendered my life to Jesus, doors have been opening left and right. I now enjoy fellowship with other women and am making friends. I am part of a church body full of the most loving, genuine people I have ever met along with leaders who truly care about the congregation! I am humbled to the point of tears for these blessings being poured out.

Even with all of these blessings, in church of all places, the enemy has been lying to me. He has been telling me I don’t belong and there is something wrong with me. He told me that if they knew the things I have done and the thoughts that go through my head they would reject me. The enemy is very patient (I learned from Joyce Meyer) and he starts to plant seeds in us at a very young age. These seeds eventually become chains of bondage, also known as strongholds.

In a conversation with my best friend yesterday, she pointed out to me that my low feelings of worthiness have become a stronghold in my life. When we have these areas of bondage in our lives, it gives the devil access to our soul. It’s only when we break free and learn the truth that we can kick him out and send him packing.

I started studying scriptures on our God-given worth. I read Isaiah 43:4. This scripture went deep into my core and I broke down in tears: “Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for you life.” Something came loose in my soul and my heart opened to God’s love like never before. A song by Cory Asbury called Reckless Love https://youtu.be/Sc6SSHuZvQE?si=3Onwe7b5XnqFeBF5 came to my mind and I was truly humbled.

From Genesis to Revelation, God’s love is written all over His Word. By sending His Son to die on the cross so we can have relationship with Him is the ultimate expression of God’s Love:

John 3:16 NIV
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

When we open our hearts to His love and accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, our life will be transformed. His love heals us, brings joy and miracles into our lives and opens doors we never imagined would open. We see our worth in Him and not in what man says about us. We become who God created us to be and begin living out a love walk that becomes an example to others and gives them hope. Revealing God’s love to others becomes our mission and discipleship. Chains are broken and we become free!

Light Shines Brighter in the Darkness

What would I say to the part of me that has been in the dark for so many years? What does she need and how did she end up there?

These are questions I am asking after writing in my journal this morning. My therapist and I have been using a method of therapy called Internal Family Systems during my healing journey.

We all have a little family in our hearts and/or minds. This includes our inner child, maybe a teenage version of ourselves, a fearful or insecure version, an angry version of us etc. I will not go into too much detail because I am not a therapist and I don’t want to put myself or you to sleep.

With the help of my therapist, I have been connecting with these parts of myself and finding out what they need. For example, our inner child needs to know she is safe and loved if she didn’t receive this growing up. This video is very moving and perfectly shows our relationship with our inner child and how she eventually can be freed https://youtu.be/V6ui161NyTg?si=oTDTIjRLHTjwJxdz.

A pond is so much more beautiful before the sand on the bottom is stirred up, making the water foggy. In the moment, it feels so much easier to leave everything in the dark – past trauma, mistakes, sins and things that stir up shame. The problem is that leaving them in the dark keeps us in bondage. We cannot be truly free if we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Jesus said in John 8:32: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The energy it takes to haul around the baggage of our past sins, mistakes and trauma wears us down and keeps us from living life to the fullest. Jesus came so that we may have life and live it to the fullest (John 10:10).

By cleaning the dirt off of the windows so light can shine into the dark recesses of my soul, I am giving my body, mind, soul and spirit a chance to heal. Being vulnerable is never comfortable but without it we will never get out of the darkness. Jesus did not hang on the cross so we would live imprisoned by our sins, mistakes or shame. He loves us beyond measure, and wants to have a personal relationship with all of us. By letting the light into every dark corner of our lives we can experience the peace of Christ like never before.

The part of me that has been living in the dark for years upon years is afraid of the light but she is tired of being alone. She also wants to experience peace and joy. There is no lightswitch to turn on an overhead light and deal with it all at once – that isn’t realistic or healthy. Each day, another candle is lit, another window is cleaned and the chains are slowly breaking. Freedom is on the way.

The Light in the Darkness

*Hitting the Rock Bottom* is a painting by Svein Ove Hareide

My last post was in March of 2023 and I want to thank you for being here after such a long gap. On a cloudy day of the same month, my life took a sharp turn that I did not see coming. I started experiencing higher levels of anxiety like never before and I had no idea what was happening. I just thought I was really stressed. I really knew something was wrong when I had my first panic attack.

I had a general feeling of anxiousness the next day and feeling lost that would barely let up and the moments of clarity became few and far between as time went on. The panic attacks increased and so did the fear and feelings of being unsafe. I started seeing a therapist and he did not explain to me why my brain was overreacting to things that slightly bothered me before. He said it was all normal. The panic attacks increased and I became stuck in a pattern of fight or flight that lasted for almost 2 months. I became exhausted in every way and eventually, I was barely able to care for my adult disabled son.

I blamed myself for what had happened to me. I did not know that anxiety disorders stem from years of stress, childhood environments, trauma, repressed grief and so much more. I thought I was letting my family down because my husband had to take time off of work and the stress on them was not healthy.

Things continued to worsen and I eventally ended up at rock bottom. It was the most difficult, painful time of my life. It was at the bottom that I realized that God had been with me the whole time, even when I did not feel worthy of His love. Jesus was there at the bottom with His arms open wide and He saved my life.

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It took some time and hard lessons for me to decide to take the medication they were highly encouraging me to try. For most of my life, I have always looked down on medication for anxiety and depression. I would think things like, why doesn’t so and so get more exercise or eat better. For some people, that’s all they need alongside a good therapist who can teach the patient how to control panic attacks and learn cognitive behavior therapy skills. On the other side of the spectrum are people like me who need medication just to function, gain back strength, and also be able to do the work to heal.

Once the medication helped to get my system out of fight or flight, I started gaining strength little by little and eventually I was able to care for my son again. I prayed throughout the day, started practicing deep breathing techniques and meditation and I continue to practice them daily. I was blessed to find an awesome therapist and prescribing Nurse Practitioner and I started making strides. I have learned that anxiety is not my enemy, but a way for my body to let me know that I need to slow down and empty out that stress bucket that was getting too full. I also started following The Anxiety Guy on You Tube. He posts videos and has two podcasts. He had several anxiety disorders for years and has since healed. He has written four books that I know of that are super helpful and his programs are affordable and have helped thousands to heal from their anxiety disorders instead of just coping. I will always have my tool box but I am learning not to let anxiety run my life. It is a long, difficult journey, but I am learning so many things that I would have never learned on a different path.

God brought several miracles into our lives during my first year of healing and continues to daily. We found an angel of a caregiver to come in and help me get Drew up in the morning and she has become a close friend. Drew received an inheritance from his great grandfather and bought a new van! It wasn’t long before we started taking short little road trips and this past July, we went to Salt Lake City! When I was at rock bottom, I would have never imagined I would be where I am today.

Like any illness or condition a person recovers from, I have good days and bad days – we all do. Each day I am learning something new. My life is so different than it was before I broke and it is so much better in many ways. I have learned to slow down, trust God for EVERYTHING, love myself and the little me that went through some tough times growing up, and forgive myself while practicing self compassion.

If you have ever seen Brené Brown on You Tube or read any of her books, you would be familiar with her famous talk on vulnerability and her talk based on a quote by Teddy Roosevelt called The Man in the Arena https://youtu.be/fE6fa7OpVu0?si=QlcIlLlBQcbpLUzv. By publishing this post, I will be experiencing vulnerability like never before but that’s okay. Like Brené Brown said in her speech on being in the arena with her face marred and covered in blood and sweat, there are seats reserved for those who love and care about her and even for those who criticize her. Unless those who are critical of her are willing to join her in the arena, where life has kicked her up and down, she is not interested in what they have to say.

When I was in the darkness, unsure of my future and what was happening to me, I knew that once I healed I wanted to help others. I want to give my testimony to offer hope and to let others know that they too can heal and God can bring us out of the deepest, darkest places because He loves us unconditionally and cares for us deeply. September is National Suicide Awareness Month and it is so important for everyone to know that they matter, they are loved, and there is help. Like 911 connects us to emergency services, 988 connects you to counselors and people who can help you if you are in a crisis or contemplating suicide. There is help – people love you and care about you. I love you and am so thankful for your time. God bless you and there will be more posts to come. I am not on a timetable but I will continue to work on future posts as I continue this healing journey.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or are experiencing a mental health crisis, you can dial the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention hotline at 988 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.