peace – The road less traveled

Light Shines Brighter in the Darkness

What would I say to the part of me that has been in the dark for so many years? What does she need and how did she end up there?

These are questions I am asking after writing in my journal this morning. My therapist and I have been using a method of therapy called Internal Family Systems during my healing journey.

We all have a little family in our hearts and/or minds. This includes our inner child, maybe a teenage version of ourselves, a fearful or insecure version, an angry version of us etc. I will not go into too much detail because I am not a therapist and I don’t want to put myself or you to sleep.

With the help of my therapist, I have been connecting with these parts of myself and finding out what they need. For example, our inner child needs to know she is safe and loved if she didn’t receive this growing up. This video is very moving and perfectly shows our relationship with our inner child and how she eventually can be freed https://youtu.be/V6ui161NyTg?si=oTDTIjRLHTjwJxdz.

A pond is so much more beautiful before the sand on the bottom is stirred up, making the water foggy. In the moment, it feels so much easier to leave everything in the dark – past trauma, mistakes, sins and things that stir up shame. The problem is that leaving them in the dark keeps us in bondage. We cannot be truly free if we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Jesus said in John 8:32: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The energy it takes to haul around the baggage of our past sins, mistakes and trauma wears us down and keeps us from living life to the fullest. Jesus came so that we may have life and live it to the fullest (John 10:10).

By cleaning the dirt off of the windows so light can shine into the dark recesses of my soul, I am giving my body, mind, soul and spirit a chance to heal. Being vulnerable is never comfortable but without it we will never get out of the darkness. Jesus did not hang on the cross so we would live imprisoned by our sins, mistakes or shame. He loves us beyond measure, and wants to have a personal relationship with all of us. By letting the light into every dark corner of our lives we can experience the peace of Christ like never before.

The part of me that has been living in the dark for years upon years is afraid of the light but she is tired of being alone. She also wants to experience peace and joy. There is no lightswitch to turn on an overhead light and deal with it all at once – that isn’t realistic or healthy. Each day, another candle is lit, another window is cleaned and the chains are slowly breaking. Freedom is on the way.

The Truth

I haven’t posted in quite some time for a few reasons. A big one is…I wasn’t ready to share my testimony – the darkness I endured in the spring of 2023 that almost ended my life. Another reason is not prioritizing myself – letting my needs and gifts sit on the back burner of my daily life for decades.

A few days ago, I shared my story on Facebook. Here it is…

In one of my weakest, most vulnerable moments, I am ready to share what I have been going through over the last few years. I have a load of work ahead of me and Drew is waiting for me to get him going. The truth is, I am not okay. I have come a long way by the grace of God but in 2023, I almost lost everything.

I did everything I could to keep my family healthy for years, pouring my energy into keeping my sons’ disease from progressing and my husband’s heart from becoming weaker. I thought I had control of it all until Christian passed away. Even after he passed, I still pushed and pushed – going back to work, becoming a people pleaser and pushing down the emotions and trauma I have experienced over the last decades.

One morning in March of 2023, I broke. My nervous system couldn’t take it anymore. I took a downward spiral and I was in fight or flight for almost 2 months. This eventually led to a failed suicide attempt. This is where I bare my soul. The paramedics rushed me to the hospital and God saved me.

I hit rock bottom and it was solid because God was there. He has raised me up and opened doors that I never imagined would open. He has brought loving, supportive friends into my life, I have been learning things I would have never learned if my life hadn’t fallen apart and I am truly blessed.

I have been in therapy, working through the trauma that has been in my body for years, leading to chronic illness. We have been uncovering old wounds and pain that I haven’t felt since after Christian passed. This pain has been showing up and at times, bringing me to my knees.

This is going to be my testimony. I have compassion for those who have lost all hope and think suicide is the only answer. I have compassion for those who suffer from mental illness. I have compassion for anyone who is suffering. Please know that you can call or text 988. Call a friend or your therapist. Call 911 if you have to.

A woman was on the 9th Street bridge yesterday and a police officer was trying to help her to step back. I felt so much heartache when Dave told me he witnessed this as he was driving in his mail truck.

You are NEVER alone. God loves you and always has and always will.

I wanted to share my most painful, vulnerable story in the hopes that it will help someone. You don’t have to do it alone. Join a church, call a friend, get some counseling, pray, call 988. You are loved my friends.

Okay, I admit that after I posted this I experienced what my therapist calls a vulnerability hangover – that time period after being vulnerable and before receiving a response. That gap of time when you wonder how others will receive what you have shared.

Today, I am at peace with sharing my story. I truly hope it helps at least one person – someone who is without hope and wanting to give up.

I am ready to continue my journey with you. I truly miss writing and being creative. God blesses every one of us with talents and gifts that we can bless others with. My writing is one of them.

I am truly thankful for your time and I truly hope I can add some joy and hope to your days. Much love to you my dear friends!!!

Double Rainbow

My grandmother, Joan Juanita Peterson, was laid to rest last Saturday. When we walked into the funeral home, one of the first things I noticed was her casket – pine green with gold pine trees along the edges. The first thing that came to mind was, “that matches her.”

Once we were all seated and the pastor started the services, the first of 3 songs started playing that grandma had picked out months before – all classical pieces. As I sat next to my dad with tears streaming down my face, I remembered the cassette tape she gave me when I was younger. It was by Mantovani. At the time, I was listening to Duran Duran and Bon Jovi but I remember enjoying and appreciating the cassette in private. I wish I would have kept it. The pastor shared great stories and memories of grandma and my heart ached for her three sons as well as my sister. Sherry took care of grandma in her later years, mending fences and roofs, painting, and replacing floors. She always bought grandma cotton candy at the fair. She also took care of my grandma in her final days until the end.

The graveside services were beautiful – warm weather, blue skies with soft clouds drifting by, and cows quietly grazing in the distance. I commented that it was a beautiful place to be laid to rest. The funeral director agreed, saying he also enjoyed going up to the cemetery for moments of peace at the end of the day.

At the end of the services I gently patted grandma’s casket and told her I loved her. There is a beautiful crab tree in bloom right over grandma and grandpa’s grave and it was full of pink flowers. I plucked one of the blooms and set it on her casket before I walked away to join my husband and son.

Everyone was hungry at the luncheon and I was humbled by the church and everything they did to help my family. They provided a huge table of food and a kind woman plated up my mother’s food so she could keep both of her hands on her walker. My two-year old nephew, who has also been diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, ran around the church basement in his little suit with a mischievous grin on his face. Despite the sadness in my dad’s heart, this little fella did not fail to make Dad smile.

That evening a storm rolled in. When the rain started to fall a double rainbow formed. It stretched from the edge of the Judith Mountains to the front of the house. Over the edge of the mountains, lightning started to strike. The Judith’s took on an otherworldy, orange color and they lightly glowed in the setting sun. The closing of the day we said goodbye to grandma could not have been more beautiful.

The next day, my son said “Mom, the lightning was there along with the rainbows because great grandma was sassy.” Well said son, I thought. I cannot think of a better closing to the great novel of my grandma’s full life. You have inspired me to live more, love more and fear less; to be bold and be myself; and to refuse to take a backseat in life. Rest in peace grandma – you were a warrior and an artist who painted the most vivid picture of life.

787ab1bee5081ccbe0d86c0f4c1e9bcc--rainbow-colors-over-the-rainbow — Pinterest

The Small Things

When I was a youngster, Thanksgiving meant Ritz crackers and cheese, mince meat and pumpkin pie made from scratch by my grandma, cranberry sauce, yams, turkey, rolls, olives and movie marathons. I always looked forward to my grandpa stopping by to drop off the pies and chatting with my mom over a cup of coffee. We never had any large family get togethers but it always included mom, dad, myself and my two younger sisters.

Over the years, as my nieces and nephews have grown and my sisters have moved away, we have had a few big gatherings. We would have a houseful – people sleeping in the spare bedroom, on the couch, air mattress and the floor. These were Christian’s favorite Thanksgivings.

kids-in-jovas-room — The boys’ favorite Thanksgivings were spent with their cousins.

Not even a month after he lost his older brother, Drew found comfort in spending time with his cousins during Thanksgiving.

For the last 2 years, the three of us have had a quiet meal while the fourth chair remains empty. We will visit the cemetery tomorrow morning and do our best to enjoy another Thanksgiving without our boy. Christian always loved and appreciated his Thanksgiving meal. He also remained thankful for the smallest of things until his last breath.

Every time I see something beautiful, I wonder if Christian is showing me what he always appreciated while he was on this earth.

I am thankful each and every day that I was able to take care of Christian for 21 years. I am thankful for the conversations we had while I cared for him, the things he did to make me smile and for the strength I had to care for my boys with little to no help. I am thankful for everything Christian taught me and for the things I continue to learn as I care for Andrew. When you care for someone who cannot leave the house because of their failing health, you learn just what we should truly be thankful for – a dove on the sidewalk, the warmth of a blanket fresh out of the dryer, a short visit from a dear friend, music, hugs, a birdsong, the smell of fresh coffee, a clean house or hearing the sound of the warm air flowing through the vents on a chilly winter night. The more I become thankful for, the more reasons I find to praise God. Praising God for the small miracles opens our hearts to the bigger gifts. Our lives become filled with peace and unexplainable joy as we carry Thankgiving into our everyday lives.

God’s grace for the Race

Yesterday, I completed my first Island Challenge. The event took place in Lewistown at the Half Moon Ranch and it featured different events – a half-marathon, overnight bike ride and 8K/11K hikes. I signed up for the 11K hike. I am a natural introvert so engaging on such an adventure solo stirred up feelings of fear and doubt. I had thoughts of backing out more than once.

I woke up early and made the hour-long drive so I could have plenty of time to check in. I was not disappointed by the beauty of the ranch. There were cows greeting passing cars on the dirt road leading to the ranch and the rising sun brought everything to life. I arrived at the pavilion to the smell of bacon and pancakes. I checked in, pinned on my number along with the memorial pin of my son. The ranch is surrounded by mountains and wildlife so I enjoyed the views while I waited for the hike to begin.

When it was time to gather around the starting line I made sure to listen to the directions, especially pertaining to the split between the two hikes. The horn went off and I began my journey. We started on a hill and I slowly ended up in the back. I told myself that all I want to do is finish, even if I am last. I was looking forward to the solitude of being in the back.

We went uphill for over a mile and my heart was racing. My legs started to burn in places they usually don’t and the terrain became very rugged. I had to watch where I was stepping so I wouldn’t fall or roll my ankle. As we started to spread out more, I could hear the wind blowing through the tops of the pines. Everything around me was beautiful and so full of life and color, even the rocks and foliage along the side of the road. I made it to the first water station and was happy they had kleenex and fresh fruit. The oatmeal I ate for breakfast wore off before I even started the hike. We had a brief respite from walking uphill but another hill waited after the rest station. I attacked it with vigor and pumped my arms to give me a boost. Tendons I didn’t know existed were sore and I began to feel the weakness caused by the muscular dystrophy. I wasn’t about to let it stop me.

I thought of Christian and how he and his brother were never able to hike because their bodies became too weak once they were old enough. I thought of my mother and the pain she has endured from her legs giving out. I also thought of a co-worker who is battling cancer. I felt that second wind come along and I kept it up. I walked alone for a good part of the hike except for the marathon runners that passed occasionally. I came up on the 6K sign and realized I was over half way through. The second water station came a short time later and they said I had one mile left. I thought the nice man didn’t know what he was talking about. How could I only have one mile left? I pressed on further and approached a downhill slope that made me hesitate. I pictured myself trying to run down it and tumbling down for eternity like Chris Farley in one of his movies. I eased my way down and felt my quads burn like fire. When I was closer to the bottom, I let gravity help me and ran a short way. I slowed, went through a gate and I could hear cheering. I thought that was odd because I still had a way to go. The pavilion came into view and I knew something was off. I felt like I had accomplished something great, but 11k in a little under 2 hours? I crossed the finish line with a smile and a feeling of completion. It didn’t dawn on me that I went the wrong way until I noticed hikers with the 11K blue race bibs on cross the line that were in front of me earlier.

I have to admit that I felt disappointed because I signed up for the longer hike. I beat myself up a bit for making a mistake and missing that turn. I was very tired and sore after completing the shorter hike so I thought that maybe it was for the best. Next year I can try the longer hike.

I opened my devotional this afternoon and read about the grace of God. Grace is the evidence of his love for us which is freely given. It comes to us as talents, through other people or in ways totally unexpected and most needed whether we realize it or not. God wants for us what is best and sometimes it seems unfair. Although my hike ended up being 3K shorter than planned, perhaps He knew that I started off too big. My legs ached like they haven’t in years and I really cannot imagine how they would feel had I completed the longer hike.

I cannot change the fact that my legs are not as strong as I would like but God has given me the ability to keep walking and hiking, just not marathon distances. He has blessed me with a loving husband and a son who despite his prognosis, continues to do everything he can with what he has. He also blessed me with a son who kept fighting until his last breath.

Christian was with me on my hike walking beside me and he knows I gave it my all. For everything he lost and everything Andrew continues to fight for I will not give up, even if it means taking a path I didn’t expect to take.

The Promise of Autumn

Fall is my favorite time of the year. My oldest son loves summer because he hurts less when he is warm. My husband loves warmer weather so he can take his sports car or motorcycle out. When I was young I enjoyed summer because I didn’t have to go to school, I could go swimming and stay up late.

As I became older, I started to notice things about autumn that I enjoyed. I noticed how the sun would shine into the room at a slant and how the sky seemed bluer. When the sun rises, the leaves look like gold as they flutter in the morning breeze. The sound of leaves rolling down the sidewalk or rustling in the trees gives me a sense of peace. I know they will soon fall and the trees will once again be naked, so I enjoy them while they hang on.

I started to compose a poem in my head while I was helping my son earlier:

Leaves blowing in the autumn breeze

as the curtains gently dance.

Sunshine in my kitchen

gives life to figurines on the sill.

The peace mimics a trance

and my soul feels at ease.

Soon, the typical Montana winter will arrive. Until then, I will keep the windows open when I can and enjoy the beautiful colors. The leaves turn beautiful to reassure us that they will be back in the spring. The starlings gather and dance in the sky to entertain us before they return next year. I have even heard some house finches squeezing in a little more singing and a sparrow courting a female one last time. I will keep feeding them all winter as I look forward to new life in the spring.