Bible – The road less traveled

The Threshing Sledge

As I read today’s Our Daily Bread devotion, tears streamed down my face. The author wrote about a bear cub that was rescued and how it did not want to let go of the man who rescued him. I started to reflect on my own journey and how much I have needed Jesus for so much of my life. The more I study God’s Word and learn about Jesus, the more I want to surrender to Him.

In the first few verses of Psalm 55, David is pleading to God: “Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught…My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.” (V. 1-2, 4-6)

After I experienced a nervous breakdown and developed General Anxiety Disorder, I experienced desperation as my body and mind broke down. The enemy used this as an opportunity to destroy me. My thoughts became dark, disturbing and very troubling. I began to experience panic episodes because they scared me and made me feel like I was losing my mind. I was desperate and pleaded with God. I became very fearful, my body trembled, my neck spasms increased and I could not sleep.

Shame from the darkness of my thoughts crept in and I could not read my Bible. I began to feel separate and forsaken by God for the first time in my life. I thought often of fleeing like a dove to find the rest I desperately needed. This eventually lead to a failed suicide attempt.

I didn’t know how much I needed God until He met me at rock bottom. In my darkest moment, when the people around me seemed so cruel and uncaring, God was there. No one really knows what it is like to suffer from extreme anxiety and panic disorder unless they have been there. I do not want anyone else to know the agony and loneliness associated with it.

Once I settled in back home and started the long process of healing, I relied heavily upon Jesus. I got down on my knees and prayed when the anxiety and depression began to feel overwhelming. “Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and He hears my voice.” (v. 17)

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

God heard me and answered me. He brought a caregiver into my life to help with Drew and she has become my best friend and mentor, along with her wonderful husband. The have led me on a faith walk that has catapulted me into places I thought I would never see. She has been alongside of me as I have been on the threshing floor. https://youtu.be/s6CxzZvkUtA?si=8rASA92G9zVK1fyU

I began to learn what it means to surrender my life to God and the Holy Spirit. “Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken.” (v. 22) As I have surrendered more, doors have been opening left and right. I have joined a small bible study group, been invited to coffee with new friends, received an outpouring of support and love during the most difficult moments and started serving at church. I have experienced the power of the Holy Spirit as I have given over the reigns of my life to Jesus.

This hasn’t been without pain. I have felt like I have been under the threshing sled, but it has refined me. The trauma and emotion that have been held down for most of my life has surfaced and I have been seeing a therapist to learn how to deal with them.

God knows how long I need to go through this. At the same time, I have felt release from fear that cannot be explained away by medication alone. As I have been taking anxiety medications, I have also had to make lifestyle changes and align my thinking and my life up with the Word of God. I know that God will deliver me, and eventually, I will no longer need them.

If you are suffering from anxiety, depression or suicidal thoughts, please reach out. It may feel like there is no hope but there is – His Name is Jesus. You can call 988, your counselor, a friend or go to your local emergency room. You are not crazy, you will not be put into a padded room. I had to stay at an inpatient unit twice and it was scary. I look back at it now and realize that it saved my life. You are loved more than you can imagine!!!

Your healing is ahead, your dreams are in front of you; they are just obscured by the noise in your head caused by trauma, stress and years of repressed emotions. It’s okay to take medication if you need to because it helps you do the work – praying, studying God’s Word, journaling, talking it out, learning how to process emotions and taking care of yourself. You matter!!! You are LOVED!!!

Unimaginable Love

In my therapy session yesterday, we talked about self-worth. My therapist said that when a baby is born, he or she has self-worth. We are all born with it. When the baby poops, she is not concerned about the smell and the mess. When he is hungry at 3 a.m., he is not concerned about waking up his parents.

As we all know, we go through our childhood and adulthood experiencing things that question and undermine our worth. For some of us, it can be traumatic – abuse, alcoholism in the home or neglect. For others it can be bullying at school or an adult figure who says something hurtful. Most of us are unaware of the strongholds and bondage that starts to form in our hearts and minds as we face situations over and over that undermine our feelings of worthiness.

For myself, there was not any love or validation in the home as I grew up. I do not harbor feelings of resentment towards my parents or grandparents because they were not able to give out what they did not have. They did the best they could with what they had at the time. I love them and am thankful that they made sure I had clothes, plenty to eat and for the things we did together as a family – camping, fishing, watching movies etc.

In school, being dark-skinned and looking a little different than the other kids, I was made fun of into my high school years. Kids made slanted eyes at me and chanted hurtful songs, excluded me, and were mean to me. In high school, my coach made a comment about me being a joke. This only made me work harder and become more successful in the sports I was involved in. I developed a rebellious streak and drank alcohol, violated curfew, and destroyed property, to name a few of the things I did to relieve the anxiety I was feeling.

I carried this into my adulthood and it manifested into a deep sense of insecurity. I cared way too much about what people thought and I became a professional people pleaser. I went to bars and partied to be accepted and I worked entirely too hard at home and at work. My worth became tied to receiving approval from others and in tangible accomplishments.

I recently joined New City Church and as I have surrendered my life to Jesus, doors have been opening left and right. I now enjoy fellowship with other women and am making friends. I am part of a church body full of the most loving, genuine people I have ever met along with leaders who truly care about the congregation! I am humbled to the point of tears for these blessings being poured out.

Even with all of these blessings, in church of all places, the enemy has been lying to me. He has been telling me I don’t belong and there is something wrong with me. He told me that if they knew the things I have done and the thoughts that go through my head they would reject me. The enemy is very patient (I learned from Joyce Meyer) and he starts to plant seeds in us at a very young age. These seeds eventually become chains of bondage, also known as strongholds.

In a conversation with my best friend yesterday, she pointed out to me that my low feelings of worthiness have become a stronghold in my life. When we have these areas of bondage in our lives, it gives the devil access to our soul. It’s only when we break free and learn the truth that we can kick him out and send him packing.

I started studying scriptures on our God-given worth. I read Isaiah 43:4. This scripture went deep into my core and I broke down in tears: “Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for you life.” Something came loose in my soul and my heart opened to God’s love like never before. A song by Cory Asbury called Reckless Love https://youtu.be/Sc6SSHuZvQE?si=3Onwe7b5XnqFeBF5 came to my mind and I was truly humbled.

From Genesis to Revelation, God’s love is written all over His Word. By sending His Son to die on the cross so we can have relationship with Him is the ultimate expression of God’s Love:

John 3:16 NIV
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

When we open our hearts to His love and accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, our life will be transformed. His love heals us, brings joy and miracles into our lives and opens doors we never imagined would open. We see our worth in Him and not in what man says about us. We become who God created us to be and begin living out a love walk that becomes an example to others and gives them hope. Revealing God’s love to others becomes our mission and discipleship. Chains are broken and we become free!

Light Shines Brighter in the Darkness

What would I say to the part of me that has been in the dark for so many years? What does she need and how did she end up there?

These are questions I am asking after writing in my journal this morning. My therapist and I have been using a method of therapy called Internal Family Systems during my healing journey.

We all have a little family in our hearts and/or minds. This includes our inner child, maybe a teenage version of ourselves, a fearful or insecure version, an angry version of us etc. I will not go into too much detail because I am not a therapist and I don’t want to put myself or you to sleep.

With the help of my therapist, I have been connecting with these parts of myself and finding out what they need. For example, our inner child needs to know she is safe and loved if she didn’t receive this growing up. This video is very moving and perfectly shows our relationship with our inner child and how she eventually can be freed https://youtu.be/V6ui161NyTg?si=oTDTIjRLHTjwJxdz.

A pond is so much more beautiful before the sand on the bottom is stirred up, making the water foggy. In the moment, it feels so much easier to leave everything in the dark – past trauma, mistakes, sins and things that stir up shame. The problem is that leaving them in the dark keeps us in bondage. We cannot be truly free if we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Jesus said in John 8:32: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The energy it takes to haul around the baggage of our past sins, mistakes and trauma wears us down and keeps us from living life to the fullest. Jesus came so that we may have life and live it to the fullest (John 10:10).

By cleaning the dirt off of the windows so light can shine into the dark recesses of my soul, I am giving my body, mind, soul and spirit a chance to heal. Being vulnerable is never comfortable but without it we will never get out of the darkness. Jesus did not hang on the cross so we would live imprisoned by our sins, mistakes or shame. He loves us beyond measure, and wants to have a personal relationship with all of us. By letting the light into every dark corner of our lives we can experience the peace of Christ like never before.

The part of me that has been living in the dark for years upon years is afraid of the light but she is tired of being alone. She also wants to experience peace and joy. There is no lightswitch to turn on an overhead light and deal with it all at once – that isn’t realistic or healthy. Each day, another candle is lit, another window is cleaned and the chains are slowly breaking. Freedom is on the way.

Holding Two Things at Once

A few months ago, my therapist talked to me about holding two emotions at the same time. I have used this bit of wisdom many times and really began to apply it as the season changed.

My son, Christian, was born on October 12, 1993. He went to be with the Lord on October 27, 2014. As the leaves began to turn and show their brilliance in the sunlight against the backdrop of a deeper, blue sky, I felt two emotions at once. I felt joy as I witnessed God’s amazing creation and the miracle of changing seasons while feeling an ache in my heart. Memories flashed across the canvas of my mind – our last outing with Christian at Gibson Park with the golden leaves and cooler temperatures. I see his hand dangling over the side of his chair, holding a piece of bread for a goose to nibble on. I remember him not wanting me to leave his side and not understanding why he all of a sudden didn’t want me out of his sight.

On his birthday, I vividly remember the purple, yellow and orange leaves scattered all over the front lawn as I took photos of him by his birthday sign. I remember so much of what he said and did during his last few days on this planet.

In my other hand, I hold the remembrance that Christian is with Jesus. He is whole, his body no longer contracted and muscles no longer wasting away. He can breathe fully, he can run with his friends who also passed away from Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, and he is experiencing God in a way none of us will be able to until we go home.

How can my heart ache and be so full of joy at the same time? By knowing that God never leaves us and He cares about our grief, difficulties, anxieties and pain. I feel the grief down to my bones but yet I have hope. “Why are you in despair, O my soul? Why have you become restless and disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him.” (Psalm 42:11)

With God’s strength, we can hold two things at once – sorrow and joy, despair and peace, anger and relief, anxiety and hope. We need to give ourselves some grace to feel, slow down and look around at the miracles in our daily lives, miracles that are present even when our heart aches.

My Lenten Journey

As a child, I remember the purple banners hanging up in the church in the weeks before Easter and people giving up bad habits for Lent. I would watch Jesus of Nazareth every year without fully comprehending what was unfolding on the screen. I squirmed as Jesus was whipped and nailed to the cross. As I became older, I had a difficult time with the violence and stopped watching movies based on His crucifixion. Today, my devotionals have led me to the crucifixion in God’s Word and what it means in my life. Admittedly, I become emotional when I read of His grief leading up to His arrest, the flogging and how the soldiers cast lots over His garments. It took the loss of my oldest son to fully comprehend the impact of the crucifixion and resurrection of our Lord on our lives today.

Jesus died so we could live. He took the guilt and sin of the world upon His shoulders because He loved us deeply and so we can enjoy eternal life with Him after we die. Until recently, I didn’t fully know the power and significance of His resurrection because I have been stuck on the crucifixion – not only His but my own. I have focused on the negative, on my mistakes and my past. I have resisted healing from my loss out of fear of forgetting Christian – the sound of his voice, his strength, kindness and how he made me laugh.

lewistown-day-fair_1438 — Christian at the Lewistown Fair

I began my Lenten journey with a booklet with a dragonfly on the front. It stated Be Ye Transformed on the front. I have learned that Lent isn’t just a waiting period from Ash Wednesday to Easter. It is a period of metamorphosis – of letting go of negativity and false beliefs so we can receive the Truth and fully come to know the love of God.

“Just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.” (Romans 6:4)

When we went to the cemetery to visit our boy today, it was sunny and we could hear western meadowlarks in the distance. A chickadee, which happened to be one of Christian’s favorite birds, landed in the tree next to us and sang a bit. As the sun warmed my face, I thought of Christian in heaven, with his favorite animals by his side, sitting in a mountain meadow surrounded by mountains surpassing any of ours in beauty and size. I didn’t shed any tears until a woman drove up to visit a grave across from ours. The age of the young man buried there isn’t far off from Christians. I cried as I watched her approach the headstone and kneel in front of it. “I know” I thought as we drove away, leaving her some privacy.

One of my favorite scriptures is John 10:10, when Jesus said “I came that they may have life, and have it to the full.” What does it mean to have a full life? It means greeting each day with gratitude and ending our “I AM” with powerful, positive words. It means fully accepting and enjoying ourselves, opening our hearts to God’s abundance and never giving up.

Blog mania

Hello blog world. I hope everyone is having a good weekend! The weather cooled off some in Montana but things are creeping back up into the 90’s again. I filled the bird feeders this morning along with the bird bath and it wasn’t long before I witnessed some sparrows taking a dip.

I wanted to share with you a new format I want to try on my blog. I have wanted to write regularly but sometimes it can be hard to come up with a topic. It seems like the ideas pop into my head when I have nothing to jot them down on – like when I go to the store and forget what I came for. I thought it would be fun to focus on a particular topic on certain days such as Throwback Thursdays or Photography Fridays – just something to dust the cobwebs off of the dark, unused corners of my mind and start being creative again. Later this week I want to share with you how my blog is hopefully going to fit in with a larger goal I have in mind – something people have been encouraging me to do but I have been terrified of. It involves writing a book. That’s all I will say for now.

We are going through quite a bit of change in our household with my husband changing jobs and it’s far too easy to fall into the trap of fear and negativity. I admit that my thinking and my words have not been too positive lately. I miss Christian terribly and going through a major life change almost makes my heart ache more. One thing that helps me through difficult times is to remember all of the good things God has done for us over the years. He has provided us with all of the medical supplies for the boys, the right doctors and resources to ensure that my sons would have the best quality of life we could offer them. The verse I want to share is from John 10:10 (NLT), one of my favorites. Jesus said “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” God’s goodness and abundance is limitless and so is His love for us. He knows we are not perfect but yet He provides. Jesus said himself that He wants us to live a full, satisfying life and He will provide all that we need and more.

I hope you will enjoy my new platform. Some days are busier with doctor appointments and caregiving for my son but I will do my best to say a few words or make sure to the next day. Thank you for reading my blog and have a wonderful week!