jesus – The road less traveled

Light Shines Brighter in the Darkness

What would I say to the part of me that has been in the dark for so many years? What does she need and how did she end up there?

These are questions I am asking after writing in my journal this morning. My therapist and I have been using a method of therapy called Internal Family Systems during my healing journey.

We all have a little family in our hearts and/or minds. This includes our inner child, maybe a teenage version of ourselves, a fearful or insecure version, an angry version of us etc. I will not go into too much detail because I am not a therapist and I don’t want to put myself or you to sleep.

With the help of my therapist, I have been connecting with these parts of myself and finding out what they need. For example, our inner child needs to know she is safe and loved if she didn’t receive this growing up. This video is very moving and perfectly shows our relationship with our inner child and how she eventually can be freed https://youtu.be/V6ui161NyTg?si=oTDTIjRLHTjwJxdz.

A pond is so much more beautiful before the sand on the bottom is stirred up, making the water foggy. In the moment, it feels so much easier to leave everything in the dark – past trauma, mistakes, sins and things that stir up shame. The problem is that leaving them in the dark keeps us in bondage. We cannot be truly free if we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Jesus said in John 8:32: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The energy it takes to haul around the baggage of our past sins, mistakes and trauma wears us down and keeps us from living life to the fullest. Jesus came so that we may have life and live it to the fullest (John 10:10).

By cleaning the dirt off of the windows so light can shine into the dark recesses of my soul, I am giving my body, mind, soul and spirit a chance to heal. Being vulnerable is never comfortable but without it we will never get out of the darkness. Jesus did not hang on the cross so we would live imprisoned by our sins, mistakes or shame. He loves us beyond measure, and wants to have a personal relationship with all of us. By letting the light into every dark corner of our lives we can experience the peace of Christ like never before.

The part of me that has been living in the dark for years upon years is afraid of the light but she is tired of being alone. She also wants to experience peace and joy. There is no lightswitch to turn on an overhead light and deal with it all at once – that isn’t realistic or healthy. Each day, another candle is lit, another window is cleaned and the chains are slowly breaking. Freedom is on the way.

Goodbye is Not the End

Eleven years ago today, my Christian went to be with the Lord. In the days and weeks leading up to today I have experienced sadness, anxiety, dread and other complicated emotions. At the same time, some amazing things have been taking place in my life.

Last weekend I was baptized and yesterday, I made a commitment to New City Church. I have joined a small bible study group and made new friends! I have witnessed leaves floating through the sky and gently rocking back and forth before they land softly on the ground, fall reflections off of the Missouri River, smiles from people I have never met, comfort from friends and the supernatural comfort of Jesus Christ.

Christian at the ocean off of the Florida coast.

Yesterday, I watched a video by Cain called The Commission https://youtu.be/APATH3ea-D0?si=wblR-jf6Lob4hjfx and it filled my heart with joy as tears rolled down my face. There are clips of The Chosen in this video and seeing the smile on Jesus’ face and everything He did for us filled my heart with joy. The lines of this song are so comforting and gives me a renewed purpose in the face of loss. “Goodbye is not the end of the journey, the end of the road. My Spirit is with you wherever you go.” “Go tell the world about me, I was dead and now I live.” This song reminds me that Christian is with Jesus and I will see him again.

Tears roll down my face after watching this video again. The smile on Jesus’ face and when he embraces those he loves just fills my heart with joy and hope that I will be in His arms one day. He was waiting for Christian with open arms and I know he is looking down from heaven and smiling as I begin my journey of surrender, service and fellowship. I love you son.

Holding Two Things at Once

A few months ago, my therapist talked to me about holding two emotions at the same time. I have used this bit of wisdom many times and really began to apply it as the season changed.

My son, Christian, was born on October 12, 1993. He went to be with the Lord on October 27, 2014. As the leaves began to turn and show their brilliance in the sunlight against the backdrop of a deeper, blue sky, I felt two emotions at once. I felt joy as I witnessed God’s amazing creation and the miracle of changing seasons while feeling an ache in my heart. Memories flashed across the canvas of my mind – our last outing with Christian at Gibson Park with the golden leaves and cooler temperatures. I see his hand dangling over the side of his chair, holding a piece of bread for a goose to nibble on. I remember him not wanting me to leave his side and not understanding why he all of a sudden didn’t want me out of his sight.

On his birthday, I vividly remember the purple, yellow and orange leaves scattered all over the front lawn as I took photos of him by his birthday sign. I remember so much of what he said and did during his last few days on this planet.

In my other hand, I hold the remembrance that Christian is with Jesus. He is whole, his body no longer contracted and muscles no longer wasting away. He can breathe fully, he can run with his friends who also passed away from Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, and he is experiencing God in a way none of us will be able to until we go home.

How can my heart ache and be so full of joy at the same time? By knowing that God never leaves us and He cares about our grief, difficulties, anxieties and pain. I feel the grief down to my bones but yet I have hope. “Why are you in despair, O my soul? Why have you become restless and disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him.” (Psalm 42:11)

With God’s strength, we can hold two things at once – sorrow and joy, despair and peace, anger and relief, anxiety and hope. We need to give ourselves some grace to feel, slow down and look around at the miracles in our daily lives, miracles that are present even when our heart aches.

I Hope there are Art Classes in Heaven

Today my oldest son, Christian, would have turned 31. He passed away almost 2 weeks after his 21st birthday. We are going to the cemetery to clean the headstone and set some gifts out for him. I am also going to take a pottery class, which starts tonight, in his memory.

Even though he had physical limitations, Christian enjoyed making homemade greeting cards, drawing, and working with all sorts of media in art class. When he was in high school, his art teacher nominated him for an award in honor of a Zach Culliton who also overcame his disability to create a beautiful painting of a fish. Christian’s name remains listed to this day.

Christian took a lot of time and effort in making the picture which earned him the award. It was a very exciting evening and so many of our friends and family showed up to celebrate. I even met Zach’s mother and she was very kind. Zach passed away not too long before I met her. I hope to see her again.

Christian was always focused on his abilities instead of his limitations. He made numerous Star Wars lego models, enjoyed doing puzzles, and put his best effort into everything he did. On one particular project when he was in high school, he had to draw a creature made from three different real animals or insects. He then did a ceramic rendering of it. I have it sitting on the table today to remind me of his beautiful art and to give me strength to step outside of my comfort zone for 6 weeks on Saturdays for a couple of hours. I really hope I enjoy it and that pottery will be one of my gifts.

Like many of the hand made greeting cards Christian made for me over the years, I want to make some beautiful pottery for him. I want to picture him smiling down from Heaven. My heart is heavy and I would rather have Christian here to bake his favorite chocolate cake and order him pizza for dinner. I imagine he is doing something far better than anything this earth could ever provide. Happy Birthday my dear son. I know you are having the best time building unlimited lego models and making beautiful pottery because in Heaven, you are not sick. I love you and miss you with all of my heart and soul.