friends – The road less traveled

Unimaginable Love

In my therapy session yesterday, we talked about self-worth. My therapist said that when a baby is born, he or she has self-worth. We are all born with it. When the baby poops, she is not concerned about the smell and the mess. When he is hungry at 3 a.m., he is not concerned about waking up his parents.

As we all know, we go through our childhood and adulthood experiencing things that question and undermine our worth. For some of us, it can be traumatic – abuse, alcoholism in the home or neglect. For others it can be bullying at school or an adult figure who says something hurtful. Most of us are unaware of the strongholds and bondage that starts to form in our hearts and minds as we face situations over and over that undermine our feelings of worthiness.

For myself, there was not any love or validation in the home as I grew up. I do not harbor feelings of resentment towards my parents or grandparents because they were not able to give out what they did not have. They did the best they could with what they had at the time. I love them and am thankful that they made sure I had clothes, plenty to eat and for the things we did together as a family – camping, fishing, watching movies etc.

In school, being dark-skinned and looking a little different than the other kids, I was made fun of into my high school years. Kids made slanted eyes at me and chanted hurtful songs, excluded me, and were mean to me. In high school, my coach made a comment about me being a joke. This only made me work harder and become more successful in the sports I was involved in. I developed a rebellious streak and drank alcohol, violated curfew, and destroyed property, to name a few of the things I did to relieve the anxiety I was feeling.

I carried this into my adulthood and it manifested into a deep sense of insecurity. I cared way too much about what people thought and I became a professional people pleaser. I went to bars and partied to be accepted and I worked entirely too hard at home and at work. My worth became tied to receiving approval from others and in tangible accomplishments.

I recently joined New City Church and as I have surrendered my life to Jesus, doors have been opening left and right. I now enjoy fellowship with other women and am making friends. I am part of a church body full of the most loving, genuine people I have ever met along with leaders who truly care about the congregation! I am humbled to the point of tears for these blessings being poured out.

Even with all of these blessings, in church of all places, the enemy has been lying to me. He has been telling me I don’t belong and there is something wrong with me. He told me that if they knew the things I have done and the thoughts that go through my head they would reject me. The enemy is very patient (I learned from Joyce Meyer) and he starts to plant seeds in us at a very young age. These seeds eventually become chains of bondage, also known as strongholds.

In a conversation with my best friend yesterday, she pointed out to me that my low feelings of worthiness have become a stronghold in my life. When we have these areas of bondage in our lives, it gives the devil access to our soul. It’s only when we break free and learn the truth that we can kick him out and send him packing.

I started studying scriptures on our God-given worth. I read Isaiah 43:4. This scripture went deep into my core and I broke down in tears: “Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for you life.” Something came loose in my soul and my heart opened to God’s love like never before. A song by Cory Asbury called Reckless Love https://youtu.be/Sc6SSHuZvQE?si=3Onwe7b5XnqFeBF5 came to my mind and I was truly humbled.

From Genesis to Revelation, God’s love is written all over His Word. By sending His Son to die on the cross so we can have relationship with Him is the ultimate expression of God’s Love:

John 3:16 NIV
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

When we open our hearts to His love and accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, our life will be transformed. His love heals us, brings joy and miracles into our lives and opens doors we never imagined would open. We see our worth in Him and not in what man says about us. We become who God created us to be and begin living out a love walk that becomes an example to others and gives them hope. Revealing God’s love to others becomes our mission and discipleship. Chains are broken and we become free!

Goodbye is Not the End

Eleven years ago today, my Christian went to be with the Lord. In the days and weeks leading up to today I have experienced sadness, anxiety, dread and other complicated emotions. At the same time, some amazing things have been taking place in my life.

Last weekend I was baptized and yesterday, I made a commitment to New City Church. I have joined a small bible study group and made new friends! I have witnessed leaves floating through the sky and gently rocking back and forth before they land softly on the ground, fall reflections off of the Missouri River, smiles from people I have never met, comfort from friends and the supernatural comfort of Jesus Christ.

Christian at the ocean off of the Florida coast.

Yesterday, I watched a video by Cain called The Commission https://youtu.be/APATH3ea-D0?si=wblR-jf6Lob4hjfx and it filled my heart with joy as tears rolled down my face. There are clips of The Chosen in this video and seeing the smile on Jesus’ face and everything He did for us filled my heart with joy. The lines of this song are so comforting and gives me a renewed purpose in the face of loss. “Goodbye is not the end of the journey, the end of the road. My Spirit is with you wherever you go.” “Go tell the world about me, I was dead and now I live.” This song reminds me that Christian is with Jesus and I will see him again.

Tears roll down my face after watching this video again. The smile on Jesus’ face and when he embraces those he loves just fills my heart with joy and hope that I will be in His arms one day. He was waiting for Christian with open arms and I know he is looking down from heaven and smiling as I begin my journey of surrender, service and fellowship. I love you son.

Angie

Angie and I met at college in Rapid City, SD. She and her roommate were just down the hall from me. At the time, I was a huge Slaughter fan – if you listened to hard rock before Nirvana changed it all you know who I am talking about. Angie also enjoyed listening to them. We became good friends and she ended up inviting me to go with her to visit her dad in Iowa. We had a great trip – lots of loud singing and Diet Coke on the road. We played pool and her dad let us smoke in the basement. We jammed the Wayne’s World soundtrack and roasted marshmallows in her backyard to the Dream a Little Dream soundtrack. We also practiced doing the Electric Slide in her dad’s driveway. I remember us finding out we both made straight A’s and her dad taking us out to dinner. We also drove to Ames to watch Wayne’s World again.

When I got married, Angie drove all the way from Florida to be in my wedding. We stayed in touch – writing letters and talking on the phone occasionally. Over the years our communications became less seldom but I still thought of her often. One February morning, her husband called me. I had never spoken to him before so I knew something wasn’t right. Regrettably, I was not able to pay the same favor back to her by driving down to Florida to be in her wedding. Scott said that he received my card but in a thick voice, he informed me that Angie had passed away from a massive heart attack the year past. He cried and told me how strong their girls were trying to be for him and the last things they said to each other. Angie lost her father not too long before she passed away from a heart condition she inherited. She was one of the best people I have ever known – a deacon for her church, loving mother and wife, faithful friend, caring daughter and sister. She was at her father’s side when he took his last breath.

I only have a handful of pictures of her and several handwritten letters. Angie is part of the reason why I write letters and mail greeting cards. I can see her handwriting and the little smiley faces she made. I can hear her voice and her laugh in the loops and curves of her cursive letters. In the age of social media, letters from a friend who I loved and cared for are priceless. I encourage you to write a letter a week to a family member or a friend. It is so much more exciting to receive snail mail from a loved one than a bill. Have a lovely Memorial weekend everyone and be safe!

Coffee talk

Today was my day to get out of the house for a couple of hours. Our van is in the shop until next week to have the back doors modified, so I took the chance while I had it. The boys have grown so much that we are having the back doors enlarged and the opening made bigger so they can drive into the van without bending over. We are so excited to have this done! For the longest time, when we have gone places, we have had to limit the amount of stops or have the boys stay in the van for some of them so their backs wouldn’t become so sore from bending over. What a blessing it will be to not have to worry about that anymore!

Anyway, back to the getting away bit. When I am able to get out by myself, my favorite place to hang out is Faster Basset. They are a locally owned coffee shop that started out as a food cart. They are known for their crepes. I have yet to try one. They use direct trade coffee from Missoula and it is oh so good! I drink my coffee black so I cannot drink Starbucks very often – talk about strong and making your mouth draw inward from dryness. Remember when the coyote on the Road Runner show ate alum and his mouth drew in? Yep. Starbucks.

Back to Faster Basset. Locally owned coffee shops are the best. The sounds, scent of freshly ground coffee, the warmth of the fire. This particular shop has the Public House on the other side. They serve beer and there is a huge window where you can see the giant drums that they make the beer in. I haven’t ventured over on that side too much but it seems like people enjoy it. On the tables are flower arrangements from a locally owned flower shop called Voila. Beautiful. With my book and coffee, I am in my own little heaven.

Do you have a favorite coffee shop where you enjoy talking with friends or reading a good novel?

Just keep swimming!

I am having one of those days when my body does not want to cooperate with my mind. Sometimes, despite my best efforts in my diet, I still experience inflammation. Unfortunately, this does not mean that I can stop moving. On days like today, I need to motivate myself and Dory from Finding Nemo is always there for me. Remember when Dory and Marlin were descending into that deep pit in the ocean? She started to sing “just keep swimming, just keep swimming”. I used to keep a little plastic toy of Dory close by so I could be reminded to just keep swimming! I also often have to remind myself that it is all right if I am slow because at least I am moving forward.

Maybe more of us need to be like Dory. She was curious, joyful and full of life. I find myself to be like Marlin, fearful of trying new things, a little uptight and sometimes needing someone like her to hold my hand as I swim down into the unknown.

If I need a good laugh, I can listen to her try to communicate with whales.

I think that many of us can identify with at least one character in a Pixar movie or any movie and sometimes that can motivate us to keep on trudging towards victory no matter how we may feel! Is there a cartoon/Pixar/movie character that you can identify with?