Hit me Like a Bomb

As I was preparing lunch this afternoon, Hit me Like a Bomb by Third Day came on.  Lyrics video From the first time I heard this song, which wasn’t too long after Christian passed away, the lyrics became personal.

You hit me like a bomb
And everything I’m used to
Is suddenly gone
Sorry to accuse you
Do you know what you’ve done
When you hit me like a bomb

Hear the sound of the sirens ringing
See the world of a life that’s changing
Well you hit me like a bomb
I was scared and I started running
Can’t say I never saw it coming
When you hit me like a bomb

(La la la la la la la la…)

You hit me like a bomb
Everything’s changing
It didn’t take long
For you to start rearranging
Everything that I’ve known
When you hit me like a bomb

(lyricsmode.com)

I knew Christian wasn’t doing well.  His overall health was declining rapidly over the last 6 months of his life, whether I wanted to see it or not.  We knew we had to take him to the doctor and probably the hospital, but we didn’t think we were going to lose him that night almost 10 months ago.  When I went into his room to wake him up for the day, I was hit by the biggest bomb ever.  Our life as we knew it – forever changed.

I lost my son, my best friend, my hero and my life as I knew it.  Everything changed, including how I looked at life.  Life is still changing, rearranging.  Everything I ever knew up to that point no longer mattered.

As time has moved on, we have been healing in our own ways but we will never be the same.  Christian made us appreciate the small things, even something as simple as seeing a bird outside of the window or a spot of sunlight on the wall.  Because of him, no matter how much the darkness enfolds me, I will NEVER give up.  I have moments when I feel angry and I question God about Christian’s pain and suffering.  I remind myself of God’s love, provision, mercy and grace so the anger isn’t able to fester and make me bitter.  I would rather heal and live the life Christian so much wanted to live but wasn’t able to.

This song by Third Day has a rock sound to it and plenty of energy.  Let me know what you think!

I will keep getting back up!

Drew patiently awaits his name being called to go back to see the lung doctor.
These critters have looked down on us every six months for as long as I can remember.
This wall hanging with the names of other patients is always a comfort to look at.
Drew is getting ready for his spirometry test with a plug over his nose.

Drew had his 6 month check up this morning with his heart and lung doctors.  We had to get an early start on things and jet across town by 8:30.   The sun was shining and we were in good spirits.  We expected to hear good news based on Drew’s energy level and overall well being.

Drew had his heart echo first.  The boys have been seeing Dr. Ruggerie since they were small, shortly after their diagnosis of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.  He treated Christian up until he passed last October.  Unfortunately, after less than a year after losing Christian, we found out today that Drew’s heart and lung function numbers have decreased.  We know how this disease progresses and have had this told to us in the past about Christian, but it still doesn’t prepare us or make it any easier.  The heart is a muscle and muscles in our chest help us to breathe.  Duchenne’s affects all of the muscles in the body.  It doesn’t pick and choose, doesn’t affect only the face, legs or hands.  At times, I think this disease is a monster.

Oh, sure, I could curl up in a ball and give up.  Yell.  Get mad.  I would rather get back up, dust myself off, and keep fighting for Christian, who I know would want me to keep fighting, for Drew, my husband, my mother and for all of the boys and families dealing with this devastating disease.

The more I see this disease affecting my son and my mother, and especially after losing Christian last October, the more I want to do something to help, educate people and keep fighting for a cure.  Okay.  Here it is.  I want to write a book.  This scares the crap out of me but I know it needs to be done, especially after I found out the telethon has been discontinued.  I don’t have a writing degree or any kind of education that pertains to writing a book but I have lived it.  I have seen my boys learn to walk but eventually lose that ability.  I have seen them fall,  I have heard the awful things other kids have said to them.  I have seen them go through the surgeries, humiliation, raw fear, pain and suffering.  I don’t know how to begin but writing in this blog and sharing my heart with all of you is the first step.  Thank you so much for reading my blog and walking with me on this journey.  This book needs to be written.

The best thing we can do

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We cannot give away what we have not first received. We must be gentle and kind to ourselves before we can be with others. We have to be patient with ourselves and our own progress before we can be patient and understanding with everyone else. We must give our all to God and to ourselves before we can give our all to everything we set out to do. Lets make sure we do at least one thing everyday that we can feel really good about, whether its writing a letter, going to a coffee shop to read and relax, or having our nails or hair done.

The truth is, before we can do anything worthwhile, we must first love ourselves, hug ourselves; make peace a part of our everyday lives. Let’s stop feeling like we are doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with us because no matter what we do or how hard we try, someone will always be unhappy.